Anyone else have an irrational fear of their parents dying?

[Goopybon]

Sorry for the grim thread.

Just that, really.

I'm in my 30s, married, home owner, DC, job. Very stable and happy life.

I vividly remember being about 5 or 6 years old and being dreadfully upset and crying because I was so worried about my Mum dying.

I feel it now, for both my parents. I once read that this fear can come in circles. Once as young children and again in mid-life as you see your parents ageing.

My parents have had their fair share of health worries last year or so. Maybe that's triggered it.

I'm rambling nonsense now

Anyone?

The fear of your parents dying is not irrational. My parents are rapidly approaching 70 and I understand your fears, and I share them. I think most people are petrified of losing their parent(s). Maybe counselling might help you find a way to live with these thoughts?

Yes, very much so.

I have been feeling the same way recently. I worried for years about my gran going and then when she did I wish that I hadn't worried about it. You can't do anything to change it so my advice is not to dwell on it. Easier said than done I know. Anyone can go at anytime but you'd tie yrsekf up in knots if you worried about everyone.

I lost my dad to a very short but aggressive form of cancer. I was 24, he was 50. I suffered dreadfully afterwards, had to take anti depressants and had a course of bereavement counselling.
When my mom was diagnosed with cancer I think I pretty much had a breakdown. She caught her cancer early and it was a very treatable form of breast cancer, so even though it was shit for 12mnths, it was always pretty positive. It still messed with my head, I thought I was going to have no parents at 26. Thankfully they didn’t happen, but I don’t half worry about my mom now

I totally understand this. My parents have both have health scares recently and it terrifies me. I am similar to you, happy and married with kids. I am very close to my parents and cannot begin to imagine not seeing them regularly, we speak daily, my mum is my best friend, my dad is my mentor and inspiration. It scares me because I am happy now, I cannot imagine being happy without them, I know even if I am I will never be the same person, never be "me" again.

I did as a child, but as an adult I didn't until my Mum died. I'm now absolutely terrified of my Dad dying, even though he's thankfully in rude health at almost 70.

He went down a very dark hole after we lost Mum, and I feared he'd die of a broken heart. Until I selfishly burst into tears and said that losing Mum was horrific enough, but watching him slowly fade away was killing me and his grandchildren. I'm not saying he's full of the joys now, but he realises that he'd closed himself off from us and freely admits now it's my kids that keep him going.

It's not an irrational fear OP, it's a realistic one.

No, it's the natural order.

My dad is dead, died relatively young but all his children were adults and well settled. I miss him horrendously and think he was taken far too soon. But I know a lot of young children and teens that have lost parents and that gets me through because I was very lucky to have him through my formative years.

It's not irrational.

You deal with it by focusing on wht you have right now, making sure you don't have regrets, making the most of having them in your life, noticing and valuing the small things that are precious to you.

When the fear pops up take a moment to reflect on hats important to you about your relationship and whether truthfully there are things you want to be different (eg maybe you're feeling fearful on a particular day because you're aware you've been too busy to see them as often as you'd like). Then you do something about it.

It won't stop you grieving when they do eventually die, but you will have the comfort of knowing you treasured them while they were here, were present with them instead of worrying about the future, and don't have regrets you could have addressed.

Use your fear to focus on what matters and carry that.

what's not hats

I don’t think it’s irrational. My dad died at the end of February and, even though we’d been largely no contact for the best part of a decade, it was awful. One of the worst pains I’ve ever experienced and the thought of feeling like that again can trigger huge anxiety for me now. It was so bad that I’ve developed a physical reaction to stress as a result - it makes me vomit.

Logically I know that when my mum dies it will be so much worse and for a much longer period and I just don’t know how I’ll function for the first month or two.

I agree with a PPthough. I’m 31, but have come across young children that have lost their parent or parents and that is so, so awful.

My parents lost my brother 10 years ago. Devastating for all of us.

My fear is that they lose another one of us.

I am more dreading the day I have to become my parents' carer - either one or both of them. I have seen how hard it has been for my parents to look after theirs - dad an only child whose parents died within a short space of time from each other but both very old and a shadow of their former selves. My mum still looking after her mum and the toll that it taking on her when she should be enjoying her retirement.

I'm not an only child but I know my brother will be useless and the lion's share of the work and organisation will fall to me. I suspect it will come just as my DC are old enough to be independent. Just like my mum, the gap between her being the carer and being cared for won't be very long.

My fear is that I die and leave my children without a mum. My mum died 10 years ago and although I was a (young) adult, that pain is hard to bear every day. The thought that I may give my children that very same pain is worse for me.

Of course, I do fear and worry about losing my dad, too. But it's not in the same way as my fear that my children will suffer if they lost me (or their dad).

My dad died when I was 13. For a while after I worried about my mum dying. It's not the same 'fear' now that I'm older but I know it will happen. The main thing is not to spend your life worrying about it unnecessarily as you can't control it.

I really do too. They both have health problems and the idea that they might not survive each time something happens is very scary. I guess it’s natural.

It’s not irrational as has already been mentioned.

Our parents are all elderly and the dilemma we have is that one set live in another country and one set live the other side of the country we are in, meaning that if one parent dies it’s the afterwards for the remaining parent that we feel for, being far away.

I was terrified that I would be unable to cope when my DM died. It broke me, but I coped and discovered that I had been coping all along. When DF died, I realised that I was an orphan, which seems a ridiculous thing to think when you are in your 40s, but I think it was more that I suddenly realised that I had no one to lean on (which also wasn't true) and had to be the adult. Completely normal, I think.

Oh goodness, this definitely isn’t irrational. I fear this as well, along with the fear of my DH or another one of our children dying.

Horrendously so - I’m mum’s carer and my father is absent . I have a hugely difficult relationship with both of them in lots of ways and I lie awake at night feeling I’ve failed as a daughter - and will forever feel guilty that I haven’t made them happy .

I’ve been told due to health issues I will probably struggle to be a mum too . My sister has learning difficulties and my stepbrother has psychotic depression - so neither of them will be parents .

I think my mum and dad would probably like to be grandparents and it eats away at me that they might not .

I worry as well about heaven/hell - brought up very catholic . Never know how to handle that side of things .

I was the same and spent too much time pondering and literally grieving for them before it happened!

Dont do that, my advice is to live in the moment, enjoy every precious moment and make sure you tell them how much you love them, dont ever take them for granted.

Obviously it will happen, you cant stop it. However having the memories of a loving strong relationship will help.

My dad died suddenly from an aneurysm, he was literally fine one second and dead the next, it's made me terrified of losing Mum, realising how fragile life really is that someone can look perfectly healthy then be gone within seconds.

I'm not in contact with my brother and although I'm happily married with 2 children I know that once my Mum has gone that I'll feel alone, she's the only person who's known me all my life.

It's not irrational at all. When I was in my 20s it was unthinkable. But, it is the natural way. My mother died of cancer and my father died due to injuries received in an accident 6 months later. We visited the crem for each of them exactly 6 months between deaths. It is better for a child to bury/cremate a parent, rather than the other way round. My brother died 2 years after my parents while in his 40s. I was very glad my mother had gone at that point, because his death would probably have destoyed her.
Honestly? You deal with it. You have no choice. If you love your parents (and I appreciate that not everyone does), their loss hits hard, it hurts and it changes you, but you have to move on and live your life. My mother (and everyone else) knew she was dying. She reminded us she'd had a lovely life, and we were to get on and enjoy what we had left of our lives, rather than mourn her loss.
I have never felt the same since the loss of my parents and brother. I am generally happy, (now sufficient time has passed) but it's a different happy, and it comes with an awareness of the fragility of life, and the need to treasure what's left . I found it a great help to discuss with other people my age how their parents died and how they coped at the time. I heard stories far more heartbreaking and tragic than mine. But these are people getting on with and living lives to the full. They haven't retreated into some grief stricken purdah, and neither have I.
I was in my 50s when my parents died. My brother died 18 months ago. Their is nothing like the death of someone close to make you examine your own mortality. Your life changes, but it goes on.

I pondered a while about replying to this

but here goes

In my late 20s I used to panic about this a lot.

one day I wondered if I ought to do something constructive. So I familiarised myself with what happens when someone dies etc etc.

I also started keeping a bag of stuff ready for in case my parents were admitted to hospital (which they were a couple of times before I began worrying).

The hospital bag stuff was handy and so was the investigation about what to do after a death. I think I had the list from the government website actually printed out!

when my dad passed, it was really handy to a) have had the practical list ready and b) to have worried! That sounds mad, but my mother and sister didn't worry about and were absolutely poleaxed.

he had cancer and died much earlier than the doctors were expecting. I would say my mother and sister were calmer in that period - I kept running through the death scenario, looking stuff up etc etc

it meant I was much less shocked when the time came. I remember mum and sis saying "how did you know to do xyz" and it was because I had prepped.

someone posted on the Bereavement board about how it feels like there is no official support when someone dies and she wondered if it was different if the death is in a hospital or hospice. It isn't. There is no official support.

so it was really useful having had that list and some mental prep.

I am not suggesting you panic, but just saying that in the end, I tried to make my worries a bit more constructive, then I parked it mentally as much as possible. That approach does seem to have helped me.

I hope your folks live long and prosper and be well!

Massively. I’m in my late 40s and my DBS are within a year or two of me. DPs are in their early 80s and in extraordinary good health. But we know age will catch them up and the pain of losing them will be more than the 3 of us will be able to bear. They have just been the centre of our family and rock that we have all come home to when things have been difficult. It makes me so sad to think that DS will not have the time with them that we have all had.

But then I think of my own grandparents and realise that most of what I know about them and the love we feel for them is from my DPs telling us all about them. No one is dead when their name is still spoken.

All through my( only child) childhood.
When I came from home from my honeymoon in 1975 I sobbed most of the night about my parent dying.
Dad passed away in 1996 and mum 2016

I guess I was just lucky