Step son (5) hurting my two year old

[Sammy19842]

Hi, I was looking for some advice. My 5 year old step son who is with us every other weekend and half the school holidays has been hurting my son, when he thinks I’m not around. The latest incident was I was walking down my stairs, and my son was crying-I saw in the mirror his brother get up from on top of him, where he had been squashing and pinching him. He lies when asked what happens, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
His dad then took him with him for the day to give them some time away.
His mother was in an abusive relationship from when he was a few months old until around a year ago. He’s also not the baby at our house which I feel may have something to do with it. However his mum is not the most reasonable person to try and discuss these things with. So even if we did I’m not sure it would make much difference. Plus if I was to tell him off, she wouldn’t be amused, and would likely tell his dad she doesn’t want my doing so, despite the fact I am often left to look after her son and older sister by myself, which she is quite happy with.

I also meant to add my son being only just two can’t speak yet, which I think is why my step son feels he can get away with it.

Sounds like the poor boy is playing out the abuse he saw.

In the short term, constant supervision. In the long term you may need to seek professional help.

When mine are doing things they know they shouldn't I spy, then come out and correct them. So if you can see in the mirror I'd watch and then if you see it say 'oh no X, you mustn't sit on your brother like that! That's not nice, we don't do that'. If he tries to say he didn't just say 'I saw you, you mustn't sit on your brother' (or pinch him, or whatever it was but make it clear you saw the sit/ pinch/ squash/ push and don't argue if he says he didn't, just repeat that it's not nice and we don't sit/ pinch/ squash/ push).
If that doesn't work make sure they are never alone together and if you are alone with them both a lot and it's difficult to do so involve his dad and try to ensure there is a supervising adult as much as possible. If you will be made to feel uncomfortable telling him off there needs to be someone who 'can' tell him off/ impose consequences present.

I completely agree, but sadly I doubt very much his mum would allow it.

His mum can't stop you. While he is under your roof he is subject to your rules and control. If she doesn't like it, maybe she will just have to get someone else to look after him Her choice.

If you, or if anyone e.g. teachers are caring for your stepson alone they must guide him or tell him off if he does something wrong. If the telling off is appropriate then his mum is unreasonable to say it isn't allowed. If your dh doesnt agree tell him he needs to always be there to supervise his son and deal with the behaviour.

If you can’t discipline then don’t leave the kids alone together. You could take your son out (stay in a hotel) and leave your DP to be the parent for that weekend.

Your poor little DS.
Your DSS needs professional help I think, as pp said he is probably acting out the violence he has witnessed in his mum’s home. In that way, he’s a victim himself too but my first priority would be to protect DS if I were in your shoes. Never leave them unsupervised and have a talk with DP on how to solve this. The fact that the ex seems to fail in her parenting is not your or your DS’s problem!

First thing is to say he cannot be there if his DF isn't.

Next is to say that in your home he will be subject to your discipline. His mother cannot dictate what happens in your house.

Thirdly do NOT leave your home with your boy. If anyone leaves it should be DSS.

I would never agree to look after a child who I can't discipline. I'm not saying that it's inevitable that they will need discipline but you need the option should the need arise.

Id be worried about dss being subjected to that kind of behaviour from older children at home and that he was feeling jealous/insecure about the baby. Younger siblings can be annoying but pinching and hurting is out of order