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Original poster

Taking dd’s friend on holiday - money

49 replies

Papergirl1968 · 22/06/2019 22:29

The dds and I were going on holiday self catering in the UK for a fortnight in August.
Dd1 now can’t come and I think dd2, 15, will be a bit lonely so am minded to ask her friend to come. They’ve been friends since primary school and I know the girl and her family fairly well.
The house has three bedrooms so plenty of room and all booked and paid for. I wouldn’t expect any contribution to that, nor petrol of course.
However money is a bit tight at the moment. Would you expect her family (she and her much younger siblings actually live with grandparents) to offer a contribution towards food? I like to have a break from cooking while I'm away with takeaways or meals out some nights, plus there’s the cost of ice creams etc which mounts up over a fortnight. Plus if they go to the cinema on a wet afternoon or whatever.
And if they don’t offer, would you ask? I don’t know if I could bring myself to!

OP posts:

Original poster

Papergirl1968 · 22/06/2019 23:50

Thanks, everyone. Lots to think about. I think you’re probably right in saying it’s unreasonable to expect the friend to pay for her own ice cream, contribute to the shopping or buy her own pub meal etc. But that she should bring spending money.
I did tell dd not to mention it to her friend yet but she has!
I’d also love to hear what the pp’s son and his friend did to get sent home?!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 23/06/2019 00:00

We did this last yr. Had booked a cottage for all dc, only one ended up able to come, so we asked her friend. I figured it would be a better holiday all round if she had her pal with her rather than being on her own with us, so it was well worth the cost of a few meals out
Plus, if the older two had come (as was the original plan), we'd have paid for their meals etc too.
So we just said no cost as she'll be doing us a favour.
turns out her family sent her with some money, so we let her buy the ice creams occasionally

I think the issue is - if someone asked one of my dc to come along, and we'd not budgeted for them to go on what is either an 'extra' holiday, or at least an un planned for one, we might not have the money, or have budgeted the money for one dc to go on an extra holiday, so it puts them on the spot if you expect them to pay anything.
It's a bit like 'going to a party / wedding' though.... you wouldn't want anyone to not come to your party because they couldn't afford a gift, but, 99% of people, if invited, would expect to bring a gift - so, hopefully for friends family will send something with their dc.

Medievalist · 23/06/2019 00:16

Him and ds ruined the first week so I sent them home on a plane!! Insisted his dps refund the cost of the flight too!

Omg! How old were they?!

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Families

SnowsInWater · 23/06/2019 00:17

DD has been on two overseas holidays with a friend. Both times I changed money into the local currency and gave both girls an envelope with the same amount of "spending money". I knew there was no way the family would take money for the trip so that was my way of feeling less guilty! They are very well off though and made it very clear that my DD being there to help entertain their very delightful but high maintenance DD was helpful for them!

A lot of adults struggle to work out the social niceties of when they should contribute to things so as someone else said a 15yo is unlikely to get it right.

AJPTaylor · 23/06/2019 00:21

Dd2 went away for 5 days with friend and parents. I gave the parents 50 quid in an envelope as a contribution towards food, dd2 had 20 spending money. That seemed fair to me and the parents were pleased.
I don't think they would have asked though..

TheRedBarrows · 23/06/2019 08:09

I took a young teen to Spain with us, the parents gave me £100 for a dinner out for all of us. I accepted with much gratitude, and sent the parent a photo of their child enjoying the meal when we did go out.

Should I have ‘graciously declined’?

Oops!

The family were comfortable financially. Higher income than me.

In the end OP, you have to remember that you are doing this for your / Ds benefit brcahse Ds1 cannot come.

rookiemere · 23/06/2019 08:20

We took a friend of DS abroad. Situation was different in that they paid for flights and his cost towards holiday ( they were happy to do so and we could not have afforded to pay another air fare etc) but when there we paid for food ( was half board so lunches and snacks) and activities.

Unfortunately you can't ask for a contribution, so just adjust holiday accordingly and have a few cheaper meals or takeout sometimes. Worth it for your DD to have a friend.

lightlypoached · 23/06/2019 08:30

Our DS went on hols with my bestie and her family last year at their very kind invitation. we - without being asked - sent him with cash, told him to pay for a meal out for everyone on one of the nights (which he did with a bit of adult guidance and we had told my mate that he'd been instructed to do it), and also offered to pay contributions for the activities he did with my DFs kids. We were financially able to do that though. We made it absolutely clear that we didn't expect DFto sub him. They did though, and were happy to do so.

At 15 a child can be coached into how to behave and when to offer to pay.
With friends and anything money-related I think it's always best to be very upfront and open about it right from the start. it's a bit cringey at first but so worth it to save misunderstandings and resentment. I love my mate too much to put that on her or to make any issues between us.
DS had a 'spectacular' time (his words).
I'd invite her and just have the chat and agree on what's reasonable and what you can each afford.

EmpressJewel · 23/06/2019 09:16

I think it's reasonable to ask for a contribution but you need to be upfront with the GPs, when the friend is invited.

bellsbuss · 23/06/2019 09:20

I have always put £100 in an envelope when my children have been away for a week with friends. No one has ever taken it but it's nice to offer.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 23/06/2019 09:31

I might be reading between the lines too much here, but if friend and siblings live with grandparents, can you be sure that they have money to fund extras on an unplanned holiday? GPS might have permanent care of GC when there has been a tragedy involving the parents, or parents cannot adequately care for the children- in either scenario, the GP probably wouldn’t get financial support. Unlesss you are completely certain about their family situation, I would tread very carefully.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 23/06/2019 09:34

Whatever you do just be very clear, don't make assumptions as to what they'll contribute.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/06/2019 09:37

I can’t imagine expecting my children to pay if they wanted to do an activity on holiday.

If we invite friends we pay in full, if money is offered I would decline. Bring a few pennies for ice cream or a souvenir is one thing but a guest should be catered for not expected to pay,

Don’t invite a guest if you begrudge paying.

Kyogre · 23/06/2019 09:47

And if they don’t offer, would you ask? I don’t know if I could bring myself to!

I think whatever you decide to do it's only fair to be clear about your expectations straight away. If you want them to chip in then tell them Upfront when you invite them. There is no reason for it to be awkward.

Just wondering if you daughter wanted to come along with us on holiday. We would like to cover all costs but it would help if your daughter could bring along £50 to cover treats . (Or whatever)

Personally I would pay for everything as you were going to pay for everything for your DD1. You could then just suggest she brings some spending money.

Whenever we have taken friends with us we make it clear upfront we are paying for everything.

DontCallMeBaby · 23/06/2019 09:57

We have DD’s friend coming in holiday with us this year - second time for a proper (UK) holiday, plus she came for a long camping weekend prior to the first time. She’s also been away with DD and my parents a couple of times (they have a boat, and she appreciates a boat far more than DD does).

Her parents always send money, prior to last year we sent it back. I’d expect her to bring spending money if she wants a souvenir or a snack while she and DD are off by themselves, just as I’d expect DD to pay for those things herself.

The only reason I have for dipping into the money sent with the friend is if they want to do or buy something extra - if they wanted to do a separate activity, or have a second go in something, for example. Other than that, we invited her, she and her parents are doing us a favour to some extent, and the additional cost isn’t huge anyway.

We do have the additional excuse though that DD is an only child, so we only have to support one child 51 weeks a year, an extra one for a week isn’t going to break the bank.

Original poster

Papergirl1968 · 23/06/2019 12:53

God, it’s a minefield. Ok, I think the consensus is she needs to bring spending money only. I had already told dd we would have to eat at home more this year as we are going for two weeks rather than one this time.
It’s by no means certain that the friend will want to or be able to come anyway as GCSE results are out while we’re away (friend will get hers, but dd is in the year below).
And she and her siblings are technically in care, albeit living with grandparents, so would need the approval of children’s services. As it turns out we are also well known to children’s services (my dds are adopted and have lots of issues) so I don’t think that would be a problem.

OP posts:

annabelle1992 · 23/06/2019 15:00

It's a bit awkward, I would just say she will need some spending money to her parents e.g. cinema, if she wants to buy popcorn there, or any other random things she sees that she might like to buy. The actual amount she will add to your grocery bill will be negligible. Eating out might be a bit more but if you are tight for money I would cut down eating out

Crunchymum · 23/06/2019 15:38

I can't see any issue with you offering to fund the holiday but the girls family need to cover expenses. Just make it very clear from the get go.

notangelinajolie · 23/06/2019 15:46

It would be rude to ask for money. The parents may send her with a contribution but to be honest I would send that back too. You can't offer to take someone on holiday and then ask them to pay for it!

Bluerussian · 24/06/2019 15:34

I can't see any reason why your daughter's friend would not come on holiday with you, lots of people will be away when results come out, kids still get the results on their return. If grandparents and SS are happy, there will be no obstacle.

The girl will definitely bring pocket money, no one would let their kid go away with friends without giving them that.

Regarding 'keep' money, that's something you either have to sort out in advance or suck it up. Personally I think it will be offered to you, whether you take it - or take it all, depending on how much - is up to you. I wouldn't want money for a bit of food but when it came to excursions, entry fees etc, I'd be quite happy for that to be paid by the child or her guardians. Again - if it is offered or if the child wants to pay out of her pocket money. I cannot imagine asking.

Original poster

Papergirl1968 · 24/06/2019 22:23

Luckily there aren’t any theme parks or anything nearby, which helps. Dd
normally goes pony trekking a couple of times which is pretty expensive, but said she wasn’t bothered about that this year.

OP posts:

BlueCornishPixie · 24/06/2019 22:34

The issue with spending money is the friend has no real say about how much she spends

If you want to go out to a restaurant she can't exactly say "no I can't afford it, can we go somewhere cheaper" or you want a 3 course meal but she's only budgeted for one etc.
Same with activities etc. She's not going to have much say in what goes on, so she will just have to spend what you tell her to.

It puts a 15 yr old in quite a difficult position.

I don't think I would ask for anything, but maybd sort out a set amount so she knows how much the trip will cost her? Say £50 contribution to food or something?

Soontobe60 · 24/06/2019 22:34

We took our DDs friend away for a fortnight. Her parents paid for the flight and gave us £100 for food. She had spending money off them too. We paid for all her meals and admission to places using the £100. We didn't ask for the money, her mum gave it to me when she dropped her off.
We did spend all of it, and more beside. If we had done it again, we would have asked for a contribution up front. I.e., 'we'd love for your DD to join us on holiday, it would just cost you her flight and £xxx for food and trips'.

GreenDragon75 · 24/06/2019 23:06

I would ask for something - I think £100 is fair for two weeks. I have taken dds friends away. For a weekend I didn’t take anything - the friend had some spending money so I key get buy them ice creams one day (not expensive ones). Anything longer than a weekend I think it’s fair to ask though.
If it was me I would offer at least £100.

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