Past miscarriage. Struggling to "forgive" husband

[Dobbyelf]

I don't known if this is in the right place or what I'm wanting really, I just need a sounding board I think.
I should be "over" this but I a news story today about a husband who always puts work first and its just stirred up feelings again.

Last year I suffered an early miscarriage. I started bleeding at night and hoped it would be nothing but still bleeding the next morning I rang nhs direct. My husband told me I may as well go to work because If its a miscarriage there's nothing I could do.

I was sent to hospital and They said it was a threatend miscarriage. I had blood Tests and we knew really what was happening.
I had to go back in a few days, husband told me if I needed a scan on Monday I had to rearrange it because he was conducting interviews at work, I said no, I didn't care about his interviews, I wanted to know if my baby was dead! He yelled at me and said I was a selfish bitch and it was "just a bunch of cells". He then went to work as he'd already took the morning off to take me to hospital.
I was left alone crying, scared and bleeding, just waiting to bleed my baby out so to speak.

Fast forward 5 months and I got pregnant again, we now have a beautiful boy who we both adore so much.
But I'm struggling with these feelings of how he was after my miscarriage, I feel I should be over it by now but those thoughts keep coming back.

When my grandma was in hospital last year, dying of cancer, he finished work early and came straight from work every night to the hospital to see her with me, so he was ever so compassionate then, but I just cannot forget how he was when he left me alone to miscarry.

As I say, I don't know what I'm asking or wanting, although it would be helpful to know if anyone else's partner was as much as heartless nob as mine was during that time.

[chaoscategorised]

I think - while it doesn't excuse his lack of compassion when you were asking him for support - that some people, especially men, find it much harder to connect emotionally to early pregnancy when it is 'a bunch of cells' as he crudely put it.

If I were you, for your own sanity so this doesn't eat you up forever, I would tell him (maybe write it down so you can get it all out coherently?) exactly how you felt at the time, that it was your baby and you felt his behaviour was so at odds with how you felt that you were hurt and felt let down by him. Especially as it was so different to how he behaved with your grandma - he's obviously capable of compassion and supporting you, but (again, just how some people feel) when there isn't a 'person' to relate that grief to it's more difficult. See what he says - some people deal with grief in very different ways, and his reaction might have been how he dealt with the situation, to minimise it so it didn't feel as big to him.

I hope he apologises for not being a support to you - for your sake, because this will eat you up if you don't get a line drawn under it. And I'm so sorry for your loss. Xx

[itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted]

I think that you need to let it go or it will eat away at you. Men do find it harder to connect to pregnancy - it's just lines on a test until a baby comes along so please don't continue to judge him too harshly especially so long after the fact. If you bring it up now it will be you who comes across as being in the wrong

My DH didn't come to the hospital arranged funeral of one of our miscarried babies - I was upset for a bit but my male boss said the same - that They don't always experience the same loss in the same way as us - it's not their body having to go through it after all.

I had a 5th loss in April - DH gave me a hug when I started bleeding and I then I packed him off to work As there is really nothing he could do x

[BohoMum2018]

I would half agree with these lovely ladies x do not take his reaction to mean he does not care or doesn't understand. My DH found it very hard to express any emotion after my our first miscarriage, to the point it was almost the end of our marriage. He told me after that he had felt responsible for my pain and hated feeling unable to help. The other really crap thing to remember, is that men aren't entitled to time off when this happens, so it maybe that actually he couldn't get the time off.

Best thing to do is sit down and talk to him, tell him how you feel and have a true heart to heart. Even though my DH left me feeling like I was on my own, it was never his intention to make me feel like that or to hurt me. What helped me get past it after our talk was remembering that at the end of the day one big crappy event didn't outway all the good things we had x

If you ever need a sounding board I'll lend an ear x

[Ilovemylabrador]

Try the miscarriage association. Counselling might help.

I’m sorry and had it been immediately after you m/c I wouldn’t have been able to try again. I think you need counselling on your own and then together so at least you feel heard and understood x

[EnchantedByGin]

💐 sorry for your loss.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. Counselling really helped me deal with how angry I was with my DH and how let down I felt. It also really helped me to find the right way to tell him all of that and give him the space to talk about how it had effected him...and apologise.

NB he was the one who was so worried about my MH that he arranged for the counselling in my subsequent pregnancy as I was digging my heels (there was basically no real gap between losing that one and getting pregnant again, and I hadn’t dealt with my MMC and wasn’t ready to try again...oops).

DH now understands what I went through (much more) and how his words and actions had a hugely negative impact on our marriage at the time, and we’ve come through the other side and that episode in our lives is no longer festering in our relationship.

Hope you can come out the other side on this one too 💐