Pils are constantly negative and it's rubbing off on DH

[LimpKebab]

NC for this.

Pils are kind, caring people, but dear God they moan constantly.
FIL came from a well off family that were once "somebodies" in their community, but that is long gone, and I feel it's left a chip on the shoulder. They can't be happy or glad about anything. SIL got a new job easily after being a sahm for years-all they did was bore on about how she won't cope (she did, fabulously)

We spent quite a lot of money on a voucher for their favourite restaurant. We didn't get so much as a thank you, and when we asked how the meal was, they said it was horrible.
They are very negative about their perfectly nice, normal grandchildren--they are all "a nightmare, a handful, hard work". Fil in particular is one of these people who criticises everything while doing nothing.

They are very low energy - never go anywhere or do anything, can't understand why people would want to.

I fear DH is starting to go the same way. Last week we went to a sporting event which our DC's team had got invited to- a big deal for them. It wasn't my cup of tea, but you have to do these things with kids, so I expressed the usual amount of delight and off we went. DH moaned and moaned. Did we have to go, what time at, when would it be over, the prizes weren't very good, the organisers were snobs. I drove, packed a lunch, and sorted everything, all DH had to do was sit there. I felt he really took the shine off the team's achievement.

I'm hearing the words "I suppose we have to go to this thing on Saturday" far too bloody often for my liking. It's as though everything is an inconvenience and too much effort. He never used to be like this,and I'm worried he's just going to be a negative grump like his family

I find it so draining. I'm not some sort of manic Pollyanna, but I don't see the point in moaning too much about things you have to do, I'd rather just get on with it.

I have a relative that likes to moan, I agree with your description of draining. I often have a knot of tension in my stomach when I know I'll be seeing them because every.little.thing is such hard work!

My own parents are like this and I’m finding it harder to deal with each year.They are both retired comfortably now, no money worries, but what’s apparent now is they can’t stand each other !
They moan and bitch about each other to anyone that will listen.
Also if you suggest going somewhere like say a carvery type place, they don’t like the choosing own food , it gets cold by time get to table etc etc etc this is about every.fucking.resturant.!!!
If you suggest an activity they won’t like it.
They also gotta know to the minute when you are coming round or meeting up , quite often sending 5-6 messages in the lead up, with things like shall I bring this, shall I wear that.
It drives me mad and is starting to ruin spending any time with them, I dread it.
I also don’t know how to handle it, it’s like I’ve listened to this shit since I’ve been born and my tolerance /patience has gone.
They are draining!

I’m sorry I can’t give any advice but say I feel your pain !!

MIL is the same and it’s really wearing. We deal with it by not seeing her very often!
DH can also be a bit negatjve, but he soon snaps out of it if I tell him he’s being like his mum.

Tell him to shut up!

Mine can be negative with sighs etc and it’s really annoying - tell DH it’s not about him

Well given that they raised him, he’s definitely going to pick up the same habit unless he’s very self aware.

My dh’s parents are very negative and he is too. I used to think it funny - part of his dry sense of humour but now it winds me up.

My DF is like this totally pessimistic about everything. Mainly posting so that I can find out tips to cope with it

I call it ‘small world syndrome’. When you retire, without significant outside interests your world shrinks. Until you have so little to talk about that you end up moaning about things that would have never previously bothered you, time takes on a major significance and every statement is a criticism of someone. Can you tell I have a parent like this?

Sadly my parents are now like this. Always negative remarks about the choices/things other people do. Drives me mad!

Comments about my widower uncle going away on holiday again (he does it cheaply as he likes a bit of warm weather), my cousin and his wife taking their little boy out to Dubai and how long a flight it is blah blah (they have good friends there and they live close to UK airport so not a difficult journey), sent some photos of DD when she did a school holiday dance course apparently she looked shattered on the photos before the performance.
It is quite draining!!!

Life too short and there is no excuse for bad manners ... negative energy is just too much for me these days ... I’ve faded out a cousin as they turned toxic ... it’s been very upsetting but there was no getting through to him ... I’m getting over the upsetting part now and moving forward without his sniping ... I feel for his children as they are lovely .. but his wife .. she just enables his crap behaviour towards me ... very difficult decision but won’t suffer fools gladly .. my time on this earth is too precious and my energies will go to the people who treat me with respect ... not vile attitude ... good luck .. I know how this can affect a person and it’s sickening ...

Yes small world syndrome!!! That is it!

@Vinorosso74 this is exactly one of my parents, I feel they are always sneering at other people, don’t like other people, even in their own family- there’s always a criticism .
I never speak to them or go round without them moaning about something or someone.
God it’s draining

The timing of this thread is perfect as DH is like this and so are his parents and we’ve just had a typical conversation.

DDs friend is off inter railing round Europe and I mentioned how much fun she’d be having and how I wish I had done that as a teen, then added perhaps we could do it when we’re retired.

Big sigh from DH about how he probably wouldn’t be able to retire until we are our 70s and how the state pension prob won’t exist .... I breezily mention our house value (south east) and how we can downsize .... he comes back with a depressing drone about property prices falling significantly in the future .... FFS you fun sponge.

Then I added the fact that he’s an only child and his parents are fairly well off and although one should never expect these things realistically he will inherit something ..... “oohhh they may well end up in nursing homes at £1K a week so that would soon go”.

My xDH used to be like this about DSs sporting events. I stopped inviting him. It’s much more fun without him honestly.

He came to end of season awards this year because, you know, awards and within half an hour of DS not winning he’d taken himself home with a cold. True to form

I find pessimism like cancer sometimes; pervasively leeching happiness out of those exposed to it. I’ve heard genetics influences the likelihood of being one or the other by about 20-50% with the rest being learned; certainly my PIL and DH look on the bad side of lots of things. DH isn’t too bad, at least usually open minded and will perk up often saying “That was much more fun than I expected”.

I feel very blessed to be almost always optimistic. There have been so many times I’ve found solutions to things that DH would have either given up on, or expended huge amounts of energy on to fix, because I’ve had a belief that there must be an easier way. I’d say my DS is naturally optimistic, DD vice versa. As I spend much more time with them than DH though, I hope I can help them learn to be optimistic!

My parents are like that. My sister is too, though not as bad, maybe it will develop as she gets older. When I had dc I made a deliberate choice to learn positivity. It was hard and felt very weird at first, and sometimes I think I tip over into Pollyanna-ness because I’m not sure where the line is. But it’s much more natural for me now.

So your DH can change, but only if he can see how negative his parents are, and also, importantly, how much he has picked up from them. He may think his parents are terrible moaners, but consider his complaints to be totally justified.

How much time do you spend with them and could it be less?

Also have you tried pointing out to your DH what they are like and that he is turning in to them?

My DH doesn't especially like his parents and was horrified to hear that he regressed into a whiney teenager when he was around them. He just had no idea he did it. Once I started pointing it out, he changed back to normal DH. I think we all just return to familiar childhood habits when we are around are parents.

It is learnt behaviour from childhood. DH grew up with everyone saying things like 'just my luck' etc etc. Glass half empty about most things. My mum always used to say she was truly grateful to be able to get out of bed every morning and start her day …. anything else was a bonus as so many people couldn't. So that was ingrained in me very young and I'm extremely grateful to her as it's shaped my view of the world/life.

Although I do think it can swing the other way too much - I perhaps don't listen to DH and DCs concerns about things enough as I'm too busy trying to spin a positive line on it and cheer everyone up.