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Can anyone give advice on how to get out of this rut?

16 replies

Gemi33 · 22/06/2019 16:13

Hi

I'm not sure anyone can really help but just feel like I need to get my thoughts out. Last week was my birthday. I never particularly enjoy my birthday anyway but have found this one particularly hard. I feel like I am unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life but feel powerless to change it. I've felt like this for several years and as each birthday goes by I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and life is passing me by. I want to change things but no idea how I can.

I am unhappy in my job (it's very stressful and pressured and it feels like it is taking over my life). I have no work life balance because even when I'm not working I'm anxious and draining and worried about what's coming up. I have been looking for new jobs for ages but as I live alone so only one income I can't afford to take a lower salary and virtually nothing that matches my salary ever comes up. I can’t afford to retrain or go part time. I feel trapped. I have spent hours searching for jobs every week and can’t find anything to apply for.

I’ve been single for a very long time. All my friends are in couples but I have never met anyone. The job means I don’t get much time which doesn’t help and now I feel I am too old to have children and have missed my chance.

I can’t afford to buy my own home – and with the cost of rent I struggle to save so feel I never will. Have looked at different options but can’t anywhere else where the rent is cheaper.

I really don’t mean to just moan, I just am so sick of feeling like this year after year and things not changing. I just feel stuck. Is anyone else in a similar position?

xx

OP posts:
GeorgeTheBleeder · 23/06/2019 06:25

A stressful, high pressure job that takes up all your mental energy and so much time that you have little social life - but yet pays so poorly you have not enough left after rent to save for a better future? It’s not great, is it?

It’s clear you need to change something, or continue being unhappy and watching all your options disappear. And that’s going to be either occupation or accomodation.

What is this wonderful hmm job? What are your qualifications? How far afield have you looked for alternatives? And what area of the country are you in? There probably are possibilities you haven’t thought of. (Though I’m not going to suggest you pack your life into a suitcase and sign up for volunteering or TEFL in a faraway place - not everyone wants that.)

If you have a first degree you would be entitled to a Government Loan for a postgrad degree. How long have you worked in your current role? Is there any possibility you might be allowed a few months’ sabbatical? Are your employers not approachable? Presumably not.

As regards accomodation - I guess you can’t take in a lodger as you rent. Would you consider investigating communal living? There was a poster who talked about her rather enviable-seeming, and wonderfully not weird life in a shared community housing project recently. Alternatively, do you have a friend or family member who might be interested in renting or even buying somewhere with you? It doesn’t have to be for ever.

If you’ve mentally said “no, I can’t do that” to everything above - it’s inderstandable, but life changes anyway, eventually. You want to be in charge of what becomes of you.

something2say · 23/06/2019 07:32

Hello. I can relate, was the same for me not long ago.

How it changed was.....firstly I was left some money which was a massive help. I decided to jack it in in London and move to Somerset. I got a different job related to my high stress job but much less stress. I am selling my flat and flat sharing down here. It's not great but it's been fun sharing.

I think the thing is, if no one can change it for you then you ARE going to have to change it yourself. Do whatever is necessary. Be brave. Paying a massive rent is keeping you prisoner in an unhappy life. There really is another way.

Could you borrow five k from someone, or take a loan? I found it easy to get work when I moved. I got a restaurant job firstly just for peanuts until I got a job more akin to what I'd been doing. Moving away and changing life style really did the trick. I visited the town I now live in and saw this lady at the bnb and heard about her life and thought, what am I doing? And now I live there too.

Be bold and brave and make some changes. Don't let life pass by for a job you don't even love.

Gemi33 · 23/06/2019 07:33

Thank you for such a useful reply. My job doesn't actually pay that badly but rent etc is so expensive where I am (in the south east) especially when you are on your own. I work in HE and ideally would like to stay in that but hardly any jobs come up at the right grade in my area. I have thought about a job in the charity sector too but haven't been able to find anything.

I have looked at shared housing options but most I've seen wouldn't save me a huge amount but I would have to sacrifice my own space and it doesn't really seem worth it. All of my friends and family are in couples and would not want to rent or buy together unfortunately.

I know there are no easy solutions but I appreciate your ideas!

x

OP posts:
Namenic · 23/06/2019 07:36

Any relatives you could stay with to save some money?

RoseMartha · 23/06/2019 07:51

Would a smaller rental help as your post suggests you have more than one bedroom? And therefore you will still have your own space but should be slightly cheaper and you can save the money you save on that. Maybe you can switch energy suppliers etc and save a few pounds that way to start making some savings for yourself.

I would research and research my job options and how I could make changes to my career without losing too much income. But to make it work for me. Sometimes two part time jobs are better than one full time. Of course it is also dependant on your pension arrangement if you have one.

Sometimes when we think things are impossible and can not change, it is our fear of the unknown. Of stepping off that imaginary cliff edge which resides in your mind. Now I can say this because I stepped off the imaginary cliff edge last year. (Totally different circumstances however as for me it was to get divorced). And it is ok, it has been tough, it is currently tough and will be tough. But I know it was the right thing to do and sometimes you have to take that step and just trust it will be okay.

Sending a hug 🤗

itsboiledeggsagain · 23/06/2019 07:55

Leave the south East?

GeorgeTheBleeder · 23/06/2019 08:22

It’s not my area but I’m as aware as anyone that the charity sector pays peanuts - so unless this is your heart’s desire it doesn’t sound like a helpful option for income enhancement.

Are you at a university? I’m going to assume you’re in admin or support of some sort - because all my academic friends seem to spend half the year on sabbatical. (Which is why I mentioned it.) And those in the civil service get a long break every five years iirc.

Someone above suggested taking out a loan to kickstart/support a life change. Is there any good reason why you could not do this?

hettie · 23/06/2019 09:07

Similar grade job in a cheaper area? Build a nest egg and retrain/move sideways/take a gap year?

Gemi33 · 23/06/2019 11:48

Thank you all for your suggestions. I do work in a university (not teaching) and I do like the university but the role/team I'm in at the moment is the problem but very little else coming up. I'm reluctant to leave the area I live in as my nieces and nephews are here as well as my other family.

I think the job is key because it is making me miserable and having a negative impact on everything else. Although ideally I would like to stay at the university I am open to doing something else but I have no idea what. I have searched for jobs a lot and just can't find anything.

xx

OP posts:
GeorgeTheBleeder · 23/06/2019 11:55

Have you actually spoken to the university?? Could your job be carried out differently? Are there no innovations that could be considered that could make life easier for you?

Are you in the sort of role that could conceivably be broken down with some parts being robiticised? You’d have to find something else if you’re made redundant. (Call me Ms Cheerful Grin)

jennymanara · 23/06/2019 12:11

I was younger than you, but I left London and moved somewhere where I knew no one, but I liked the place, had secured a job and had cheap house prices.

GeorgeTheBleeder · 23/06/2019 12:26

(Forgive typo - phone stubborn! Overuse of ‘could’ is all my own work.)

cannycat20 · 23/06/2019 12:53

There are a few approaches that might help you.

What's the area of your life that you're most dissatisfied with? Concentrate on that to begin with, and I know it might sound a bit simplistic, but work out a "where do I want to be in 5 years/3 years/18 months and how do I get there" plan. Does your uni have a coaching service you might be able to plug into? When I worked in academia for a bit a colleague was completing his coaching qualification and I was his coachee; it was so helpful especially with working out where I was stuck. In this case it was related to the job but the approaches I learned were so helpful for life in general. I also found listening to some of the Paul McKenna meditations really helped; one visualisation in particular basically asked you to look at your future life and what did you want it to look like.

Or, what do you enjoy doing the most? Either in your current job or outside work. What are your skills? Could you volunteer in something you're interested in (that is something that I believe some universities and big employers still support a few days a year - to be cynical, it helps them tick their "contributing to the community" quota).

Do you have anything creative you like to do? Drawing, writing, photography, singing, painting, knitting, crochet? Or physical - hiking, swimming, netball, salsa, cooking - anything really. Just something to stop work being the be-all and end-all. If you ask any nurse who's worked with the dying, they'll tell you that when it gets to the end of life, it's a rare person indeed who wishes they'd spent more time in the office...

On a separate note, I'm a bit curious about the comment up-thread about breaks for the civil service every five years though; as an ex-civil servant and NHS worker, I don't remember us being allowed sabbaticals every 5 years - unpaid career breaks, maybe, once or twice in a long career, with special dispensation from your manager and for a jolly good reason (health; study; visiting family in Australia; walking the Camino), but they usually used to come with conditions, like you couldn't work for anyone else during them...I think the "here, have a holiday every 5 years" days are long gone, like so much else. Unfortunately this also applies to career development loans, which I think were alluded to up-thread - www.findamasters.com/funding/guides/career-development-loans.aspx.

If you did want to do further study, you might get a bursary, your uni might offer subsidised training (not free), or there are a few countries that do offer masters courses with no tuition fees, including some online courses (a friend of mine did her masters in digital library studies this way, all they had to pay for was the study school in the country once a year for a couple of years) - have a look at www.mastersportal.com/countries/19/norway.html as an example.

In terms of finding a partner, if you still want to, have you tried online dating? It doesn't work for everyone, but there are three very happy marriages amongst my family and close friends that owe their existence to online sites. And I met previous partners via work, courses (writing) and hobbies (hospital radio), in general (though I did get chatting to one very nice, if short lived, partner at a bus stop, believe it or not). And though you feel you've missed out on your own children (as have I), people adopt or become step-parents at all stages of life.

Good luck, anyway.

GeorgeTheBleeder · 23/06/2019 13:05

No, I didn’t mean Career Development Loans! Hmm

I meant what I said - Government Masters Loans. Which are a fairly new but very current thing.

(As regards the Civil Service - you may well be right that they’ve died out, but the break after five years was definitely available in the past. Irrelevant anyway unless the OP decides on a civil service second career.)

Possibly we’ve concentrated on the OP’s job because she has said it doesn’t leave her time for socialising - or dating. That may only be her perception of course.

FlatheadScrewdriver · 23/06/2019 13:28

I agree with PP - what's your gut instinct of the area of your life you most want to change? Thinking just about that area, score your satisfaction level out of ten. Now try and think of three or four things you could do that would increase that score. Work out the first step you'll take, give yourself a deadline for each step, and get exploring what your life could be like!

Also, if you know anyone through work / family / social life that seems to have a part of their life sorted in a way you admire, ask them how! There might be options you don't know about, routes you haven't considered... Is work stressful because it's busy, or for another reason? If busy, is that seasonal, could there be a time of year your employer might be better disposed to approve a break or temporary flexible working?

Mums1234 · 23/06/2019 13:39

I'm in similar position- working/commute is 60 hours a week. I have struggled in work due to bullying- but work is definitely improving now she's gone.

Work has definitely impacted my personal life- this weekend having two days off has really, really helped.

I can empathise with how you're feeling.

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