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Original poster

Does this text mean it’s over?

58 replies

JR3977 · 22/06/2019 12:16

Hi
Just looking for some advice on a text from a boyfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months and I really like him but he recently told me he sometimes got depressed and needed space. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days and I asked if he was ok. He sent this text:
Hey, yeah sorry I'm ok, just having a hard time getting used to seeing someone again, not sure I'm really ready for it which isn't going to make you feel great’
Does this mean he’s definitely breaking up with me? What should I say/do?...

OP posts:
Sonicknuckles · 22/06/2019 13:33

Personally I wouldn't reply at all. You asked him a question he's given you an answer. If he wants you he will contact you again. Just leave him to it.

RichardYeager · 22/06/2019 13:34

I'm sorry, but it looks like he wants to end it.

Jaxhog · 22/06/2019 13:35

Ah, the "'it's not you, it's me" text. Either he is really depressed, or he's trying to let you down gently. Either way, you're well out of it.

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Owlettele · 22/06/2019 13:35

From someone who is married to this man....(not literally) break it off and move on!

ReapersHowler · 22/06/2019 13:37

Wow, such sympathy for people with mental health issues. How fucking vile some of you are.

Rickandportly · 22/06/2019 13:44

I’ve got diagnosed depression myself. I’ve been on medication for the past ten years. I’ve never dicked about in a relationship though. I’ve always been up front, not ghosted. In times I’ve not felt mentally ready I’ve stayed single or I’ve been very honest.

Sn0tnose · 22/06/2019 13:49

I think, in his mind, he has now told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you. That might be because he struggles with his mental health and is finding it difficult to adjust or it might be because he’s one of those people who love bombs then ghosts their dates. Either way, he’s telling you that it’s over between you. He’s not asking you to wait until he gets better. He’s said that he feels this way and knows it’s going to upset you. It’s shit, but better now than in another six months when you’re in even deeper.

TitsInAbsentia · 22/06/2019 14:12

justilou1
Honestly, sometimes with some men I think depression is a code for self-absorbed. You may have had a lucky escape.

Are you for real?! And not just you, some of the other comments on here too, I take it you are all oblivious to the rising rate of mental illness, depression and suicide in males?

OP it's not uncommon for people with depression to feel overwhelmed or just not right in a relationship - I've been with my DH for years but even I sometimes just feel like walking away from it all. It's not him, it's me. And I'm lucky that he's a) understanding and b) thick skinned! What I can't tell is if you are really upset about it or if you are ok with him breaking it off - so depending on how you feel text him back to let him know if he needs to talk or you understand etc.

Mumsymumphy · 22/06/2019 14:38

I was in a very similar situation recently- had been seeing someone for a few months who was open about their depression. Gave him space when he needed it. Supported him as best I could. Then got ghosted. After a couple of weeks I messaged him saying "I know you've chosen to not contact me for whatever reason but I do hope you're ok" We chatted, he said he'd been really struggling.

2 weeks later he posted on FB he's in a new relationship, posting loved-up photos of the happy couple. Talk about a kick in the teeth.

Original poster
JR3977 · 22/06/2019 14:41

TitsInAbsentia
I do really like him and am sad it might be over. I’m thinking of saying I understand that he may not be feeling great & a bit overwhelmed in a relationship so I can give him space but if he wants we could meet to talk?....

OP posts:
heartshapedpositnotes · 22/06/2019 20:35

I've been both the giver and receiver of these kind of texts and agree with snotnose that in his mind he's ended it and that this was the breakup text.

If he wanted to keep it open, I honestly believe he would have said that he needs X amount of time/space and that he'd get back in touch with you in a few weeks or whatever. He didn't.

I feel for you so much because I have been through this several times. And with one particular person I'm still hoping that he'll realise that he's actually madly in love with me but is too scared. We split up over five years ago! Every time I fall back into these thoughts (every few weeks 🙈) I ask my friends to reiterate the cold hard truth - that if he wanted me he would be with me.

Please don't suggest meeting up if he wants. I know that trick all too well - the hope that if he sees you in person that he'll realise what he'a missing out on. Best case scenario is that you'll sleep together then the whole cycle starts again. You get the high and then the low when he pulls back again, straight away. Rinse and repeat! Thanks

Original poster
JR3977 · 22/06/2019 20:46

I think it was just his wording that sounded a little ambiguous ‘not sure if he’s ready’ and the fact he sounds like he’s trying to work through some difficulties. I guess that’s me trying to put an optimistic spin on and him trying to soften the whole thing!

OP posts:
Answeringonlyyesorno · 23/06/2019 08:17

I think it would be wrong to try to pull the positives from the message. I'd reply with a message along the lines of look after yourself, I'm here if you need to talk, and leave it at that.
And move on. If it's meant to be, he'll be in touch. But I think youd be better off finding someone who finds a relationship less taxing.

Letthemysterybe · 23/06/2019 08:22

He’s doing the cowards break up. I’d ask
him directly if he wants to end it, and force him to be a grown up and actually say the words!

BitOfFun · 23/06/2019 08:26

That's a break-up text.

Original poster
JR3977 · 25/06/2019 07:17

Update to the above: yesterday he said me the following texts:
I like you too, don't think I'm able to commit to anything anymore since last time.
We can meet but I'd like some time to have a bit of a break. Then I said I was there if he needed to talk and he said ‘he was there too’
Should I just completely move on and forget him or view this as ‘giving him space’ (considering the depression)?....

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 25/06/2019 07:28

So you went ahead and offered to meet? He’s using all sorts of double speak to avoid actually saying, no, it’s finished.

Forget him and move on - which would have been the better move in the first place IMHO

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 25/06/2019 07:33

I would say that text is actually just looking for attention. The poor misunderstood love. I think I would just ignore him. Permanently. But then I am a right mardy arse. But I think that flower deserves a bit of tough love. Otherwise known as indifference, bin him off love.

Walkacrossthesand · 25/06/2019 07:41

I also think it's unwise to position yourself as his 'if you need to talk' person. You have a life to live, presumably you'd like a partner, he's not interested in a relationship after a couple of months (despite having been the one to pursue you!!) so now you need to move on. You're not an old friend who could reasonably be expected to support him, and it could make it very messy (with you being the one who loses out).

beepbeeprichie · 25/06/2019 07:46

Exactly what Walkacross said. Do you want to be kept on a string for the next few months? And then maybe he reaches out and the whole scenario replays? Then 2 years from now you’re stuck in a loop?

Texts are free, no effort and avoid any sort of eye contact. They are often open to interpretation. I would never rely on them as a true reflection of someone’s feelings or intention.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 25/06/2019 07:49

Nobody's going to give you the answer you want love.
Move on.

Original poster
JR3977 · 25/06/2019 08:14

I think you’re all right. Was just looking for a glimmer of hope... Think I’ll give myself a bit of time and then move on and starting dating again

OP posts:
DocusDiplo · 25/06/2019 08:26

He is a prick. Move on. Sorry you had to be let down by him.

Lizzielocket · 25/06/2019 11:36

You’ve made the right choice, I’d block him because he will likely pop his head back up when he’s feeling brighter.
I dated somebody for 4 years, the first 2 he couldn’t decide if he wanted a relationship or not due to his issues, anxiety and depression. Total head fuck.
I have every sympathy for people suffering depression but when it starts affecting your usually very healthy mental health it’s time to walk away.

Dowser · 25/06/2019 13:10

Run.