Moan alert! Just need to get my feelings out I suppose.
Today was my birthday. I'm not old, I'm not young, but it's an uneven number so it makes me twitchy. I'm a single mum of 3 and struggling with a bastard exH still abusing me via the courts and I've been having a tough time of it lately with him and eldest DD along with a chronic condition and other health issues.
I don't like birthdays. Never have. I hate the attention, it makes me feel itchy under my skin. As a child I wouldn't open presents in front of anyone and would usually cry on the day. My mum used to be so embarrassed by me apparently. I still feel very embarrassed by presents. I can't open them in front of anyone and have huge anxiety about what it might be. Maybe in case I don't like it and have to pretend? I don't know but I just can't do it without major self talkings to.
So I told my DM and the children that I didn't want any presents (happy to have a card as that's the most important thing and DDs always make lovely ones) as I'd bought myself something a few weeks back that I'd wanted for the last 3 years. I'm really pleased with it and it's something we can all enjoy. It was something for the garden and not really wrappable so no point waiting until today to open it (and build it).
This morning arrived and my eldest dd has made my breakfast for me which was lovely and for once I got to eat it in peace without my 4yo pestering me and chattering incessantly. I need quiet first thing. I wake up in lots of pain and am grumpy and irritable. I have dreadful misophonia and eat alone as much as possible when it's bad which it is at the moment due to the stress I'm under.
Both DDs had made me lovely little bookmarks each. However there was no card. What upset me most though was there was nothing from the LO. My mum usually goes to the shops with them (I give her money to do so) and they get cards or a little something as a surprise (huge anxiety with surprises 😩). A few times they've forgotten to include LO on cards and it really upsets me. He's old enough now to write his name and ask to make me something but no one thought of it this year.
Ds has been a little horror all day and said at dinner he wished I wasn't alive which made eldest mad. He doesn't really understand that not alive means dead and gone forever so it didn't upset me really but still, it wasn't nice to hear him say that. Then he said I was fat (I'm not but would be happier slimmer). So all in all I was feeling pretty shit.
To cap it all not one friend wished me happy birthday. Not one. I had 3 cards in total. I'm not on Facebook anymore so I suppose I might have had a few comments on there but last year there were about 3 so maybe not! Other people have loads of birthday messages and seem to do loads for their birthdays and there's me in my pjs by 8pm 
I don't like a fuss but I do appreciate a happy birthday message or a card. I always remember birthdays so it hurts when no one even remembers. I feel pretty worthless really.
It's been a really shit 6 weeks to be honest and I just want to run away to another country.
Tomorrow is another day and I'll be fine but just needed to get this hurt out.
Thanks for reading if you're still awake
