I grew up in an abusive household where everything about me was criticised constantly and where I was constantly told I wasn't good enough. I've managed to get past a lot of it and have developed self talk/coping strategies for the others than mean I am able.to 'function'. Albeit at a lower level than I might have otherwise.
The one area where I just can't manage my own thoughts is my body image. I look at myself and all I can see are the flaws my parents identified constantly.
When I left home for university at 18, i was 5'4" and 8st 3. My measurements were 34-24-35. And I was still told I was fat and criticised for my body shape - hips, thighs, bum too big; boobs not big enough and compared unfavorably with other girls. I was told no one would ever want me or love me as a result. This was compounded in my early 20s by my best friend who described me as looking like I'd been poorly constructed out of left over, ill matched body parts.
The criticisms were reinforced all around me by the media, my boys/men I dated which makes it harder.
Now, 20+ years on, I still can't view myself positively. I am crippled by these feeling soft self doubt and unworthiness. I can't have a relationship as a result. When I am single, I feel confident, attractive and sexy. I 'sparkle'. Yet I lose all of this as soon i get into a relationship. All the fears and self loathing flood my mind and I spiral until I end up ending it. Within 48 hrs, I'm back to feeling confident and attractive again.
I feel I take up too much space; i feel embarrassed for anyone i am dating that they will be seen with me; i feel unattractive with them; I accept rare compliments graciously but inside they cut me like a knife and feel like insults and they hurt just the same. There have been many times where I've mistaken a compliment for an insult and it's sometimes been many years before it was clarified for me.
I use a lot of self talk to manage how i feel about it so the self loathing no longer results in fantasies of self harm but I can't see myself positively - the belief is just so fundamental.
I use positive affirmations; I go to the gym so that I'm aware of my body getting stronger and what it can do; I eat well but none of them really help.
I know that no one is perfect and we are all beautiful in our own way. I don't think anyone else has to be slim/beautiful/perfect to be loved but I just don't believe it would be possible for anyone to find me attractive or love me because of my body.
I've had counselling and CBT but it feels like I'm playing mind games with myself.
Has anyone else felt like this and what did you do to change it?
Im getting pretty desperate now having just ended another relationship because of it.
Thanks