Anyone else feel like they've been handed the shitiest hand in life? (Triggering)

[Dailydeath]

I'm so fed up this morning of the never-ending pain & suffering. I don't know how much more I can take. My whole life has been blighted by the events of my early childhood & I'm stuck with C-ptsd so deeply embedded it's proving impossible to shake. I'd love to be able to list what I've lived through here but MN would only take the thread down for it being too heavy. One tiny example is I was tied to the bed as a young child so as to not bother my parents.

The damage this does to you lasts a lifetime. You can't choose a healthy partner because you don't recognise it when you see it. You go through life with a lack of self-belief. You finally come to your senses somewhat through therapy but then have to cut off your whole family & live thereafter, isolated. You battle with eating disorders & you can forget having good employment.

I am in my 50s now & despite a fuckton of the best therapy I don't see an end to this. What a wretched life.

have you had any support in dealing with the past ? maybe you need a different counsellor.

I'm not religious.

When I was at my lowest (nowhere as bad as your life) I went to every religious denomination I could trying to find god and peace - catholic, CofE, Sikh temple, quakers, evangelicals, etc. And waited and waited for God to speak to me.

In the end I did find peace and proportion and meaning, along with profound friendship and acceptance. For me, it was Buddhism.

It might work for you? Despairing like that is intolerable. Good luck.

I think having an abusive childhood does actually destroy the rest of your life. I was beaten, had guns in my face, threatened to be shot once a month, not fed or given any love or support whatsoever. I was out of the house before I was 18.
To the outward eye, I’ve done ok. No one knows I am NC with all my family but the struggle is real and the inner pain and sheer rage has never left me. My sister who had similar experiences is a drug addict and has lost custody of her kids. I suppose the difference between us is that I’m aggressive and used my rage to fuel myself through university ( self funded by working evenings, weekends and night shifts as a postie).
I moved to another country and that has helped me a lot. Also, keeping my brain occupied so as not to dwell on things. I don’t think it ever goes away but you can dull it. And you can find moments of joy. Don’t let them rob you of that.

have you had any support in dealing with the past? -5 years of top-drawer therapy by several concurrent specialists.

Counselling isn’t the magical cure that people think it is.

Daily: do you have any support network, kids etc?

OP, I didn’t want to read and run. You are right, not everyone starts life from the same point end it is very very unfair. Sending you much love

My support network is small. I have no family. Most people are busy with their own lives. If I'm lucky I see one of my friends once a week for coffee although this isn't always possible.

I’m so sorry, OP. Counselling and therapy are not magic erasers, that’s for sure.

Can you fill your life with more activities? I find that walking, reading ( and if I had more time, I’d do book clubs etc) plus baking etc work for me as uplifting and positive actions.

Just wanted to mention a site specifically for this which is very good fro ongoing support- it is called out of the FOG outofthefog.website

They also have a website about c-PTSD as well, but can't remember the name.

Honestly, five yes doesn't sound a lot for your trauma. I had 6 yrs for quite severe trauma but mine doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as yours.
I'm sorry for what you have been through, you deserve to heal.

Yoga and talking and writing and not working are what help me.

I’m so sorry. I have recently joined a FB group called Necessary Family Estrangement which I have found supportive.

But you’re right, therapy isn’t a magic eraser. That’s why so many of us end up addicts or deeply mentally unwell after adverse childhood experiences.

Here for a hand hold

I’m so sad for you. Do you have a partner and/or children? Is there something in your life that you enjoy e.g. a hobby? I don’t mean to sound flippant but please do things that bring you happiness and do them as much as possible. You still have a life that can be wonderful.

I have tried to come to terms with the feeling that some of this stuff can't be fixed as such but more to a place of trying to accept and come to terms with it. not sure if that is any help. Being grateful for simple things helps a little. It is very hard though,