how to find playdate friends for toddler, or surrogate grandparents

[letsgooutstiiiiiiide]

DS (2.5) desperately needs more 1:1 social interaction with other children. He's an only child, zero interest from extended family overseas, spends too much time with one or both parents and nowhere near enough time seeing other people. We have a few friends with children similar ages, but they are busy and have lives. We need to find more people - playdate friends, surrogate grandparents - people with whom we can model social interaction.

Also relevant: DS is being investigated for ASD but increasingly it looks like he might come away with "autistic traits" but no diagnosis. He shows signs of huge anxiety around other children in groups, but is generally fine 1:1 with other children in quiet, unstressful situations. The basics of interaction all seem to be there. Everything the SALT and OT ask him to try, he can do just fine (turn taking, perspective taking, 1:1 play, pretending/imagining, playing games with rules, holding a conversation...). But group situations with marauding confident other children are a nightmare - DS doesn't want anything to do with the kids, wants to go home, etc.

He goes to nursery, but I don't know any of the parents there and there's no obvious context to meet any of them. We used to go to playgroup but DS found it very stressful and the people were hugely judgemental about his behaviour, constantly criticizing him for crying and not wanting to do things, saying I was a useless parent, etc. We go to child-development-service music and swimming groups at the hospital, but TBH the kids there are not likely to want to do playdates (DS is the only one who is verbal; the other kids are clearly quite stressed by any form of interaction with people they don't know).

How do we find more people?

Tricky one. It’s not exact science, you just need to put yourself out there and make every effort to find your people.

Does he do full time nursery? We never ‘made friends’ at nursery as we always seemed to drop off and pick up at different times to others.

Preschool we made many friends as drop off and pickup was a set time so the parents tended to congregate together. The kids were also that bit older to ‘make friends’ and want to play.

Can you sign up for any other weekend activities? Like say football class for toddlers of the same age. No guarantee you’ll click with folk but it won’t hurt.

Otherwise could you look on Facebook or other social media to see if there are any groups for likeminded parents in your area? Where I am mums regularly put out messages introducing themselves and looking for play dates. The other site I’ve been on is meet up, where meet ups are organized for certain groups/activities etc.

It can take time to establish yourself in certain parenting circles and finding people you connect with can be tricky. That can all change when they go to school but you have a way off that yet.

Thanks for the thoughts. I agree it's not an exact science at all!

3x/week nursery, dropoff the same time as many other parents, but they're all on their way to work, so they run in and out looking busy...

Organized activities just make DS want to run away, unfortunately. He also passionately hates any form of music with a beat, so dance classes are out until he can follow enough instructions to do ballet. We're in one of the sport-mad commonwealth countries so anything remotely related to sport is full of performance parents casually asking where the best place is to buy running spikes or rugby boots for their 3 year old...

DS is the kind of child who'd probably really like attending church, singing hymns, looking at the windows, going to look at the organ afterwards... and that would probably be a good source of surrogate grandparents too. The only problem is we're atheists so unlikely to be particularly welcome (people take their religion seriously here).

We'll keep looking. I guess it will become easier as he gets older, and in the meantime he gets to watch other kids at nursery (and might even one day interact with them).

If he would like church you could take him anyway. Y

Sorry posted too soon.

I meant you can take him to church and not declare you are atheists if you don't mind your son picking up some of the hymns and prayers.

When’s his birthday? I found birthdays parties were the best ‘way in’. You get everyone’s number and get to chat with all the parents. It also gets much much easier once they start school and start talking about the friends they’ve made.

Also groups that you pay for-swimming, tumble tots, diddidance, that type of thing. It’s the same group of parents each week, they usually don’t already know eachother and by the end of the course you can swop numbers or be brave and ask at the end of the class if anyone want to join you for a coffee.

Have you looked on the app Mush for other Mums in your area that you could make contact with and meet for play dates?

Another idea (this is extreme but it works!) move to a cul de sac or quiet street near to your catchment school. We did it by accident and we get a constant stream of kids knocking after school for DS to play out.

I was in a v similar situation and has the same type of concerns. It will all work out try not to fret.

If your DS isnt one for groups or sports or busy places then it ia a bit harder. But as he goes to preschool then school he will pick his own friends. Toddler friendships cab be a bit fraught and transient as people move or fo to different schools etc

Ditto you as an individual cannot force friendships just to benefit your child its better to join things you enjoy

I really do sympathise we have virtually no wider family and i was v conscious of my child having some form of social contact each day at that kind of age.

Its hard when you see others whose children have easy access to loads of family and friends and then also get lucky with good neighbours or colleagues who happen to have children the same age. We have never had much luck that way!! So i really can sympathise.

Thanks for the thoughts

Coil - that works as an idea until you get asked to do more than attend the church, which is pretty much instantly on showing up because you're the only person there under age 70. Then all of a sudden you're running Sunday school teaching small children stuff you don't believe in, you've become the main fundraiser, the spokesperson to the local paper, the head of the parish council, you're being badgered to run extra prayer groups, people are accosting you about bible studies groups etc etc etc and it's all for something you don't actually believe in. We know this - we used to sing in our local cathedral choir (along with about 15 other atheists and a couple of actual believers). We are now very careful not to show up to services unless it's in a cassock and surplice and standing in the choir stalls.

Bach - all that works for a child who likes group situations, but DS doesn't. At his 2nd birthday party he ignored everyone, refused any form of eye contact, wouldn't speak, and almost refused to even blow out the candles on his cake, then perked up enormously when nearly everyone had left. By the end of a term of toddler music DS would only listen from the foyer and all the other parents thought we were weirdos. We also live in a cul de sac, the other kids are all much older and don't understand why he won't be a compliant little doll in their games - he won't have anything to do with them. Sorry to be pouring cold water on the ideas as they are good ones - we just have a particular set of circumstances that is making all this really hard!

Cheshirecat - thankyou. I mostly worry about this when exposed to all the locals who all have multiple socially-competent kids, 2 sets of doting grandparents living locally, lots of cousins, lots of friends... we've been here 8 years and still have very few friends, and only a couple of families we would even describe as relatively close friends. Family overseas couldn't be less interested, to the extent that one of DS' cousins asked, when DS was 18 months old "is it a boy or a girl? Why can't it talk normally?" - this is mid-visit, after having met him on 3 separate visits to their country - 8yo kid didn't even know his name or how old he was, possibly wasn't even aware DS was his cousin.

If you're on Facebook. I'd suggest looking for a local mummy group. We have one where I live and they're an active bunch with people in similar situations as each other (we have a lot of expats where I live) and it's been a real life saver for lots of mums.

I'd also recommend the Mush app, full of mums looking to meet other mums for play dates, coffee etc. We've been to several meet ups and there's a nice mix of people. You can find parents with kids of similar ages/interests in your area and see if anyone wants to meet up somewhere suitable for your DS.

Ask nursery who your child plays / interacts with the most, and write a note to the parents of that child saying its nice they play together, and would they like to go to a soft play / park together one day. Nursery will put the note in that kids' bag for you.

What about toddler groups? Often they are held at churches or by church volenteers and are quite cheap but because you go aswell, you end up chatting to other parents and carers that might live near you with DCs similar age. Also people your ds may end up going to school with. They sometimes do craft activities and songs but it's not too formal or structured. You can just leave if your ds isn't enjoying it. My toddler has met a few people like this. Then if you find you click with some people, you can message them on fb and say we're doing x y z today if anyone's interested, park? Soft play? Swimming? Cinema for eg.

I might be going against the grain here but he is very young still and social stuff does take time. If he is going to nursery he will have social interaction there : the days he is with you can be chilling out days, don't feel you have to be going out doing Very Exciting Things all the time or exposing him to a wide range of people. My eldest was the same as yours, but enjoyed playgroups when it was free play but the second we sat down in a circle for songs he would get very upset.we didn't do birthday parties with anyone other than us & perhaps grandparents till he was 5. It's a kind of shyness. When he started school he was the only child who wouldn't go to the front at assembly, that kind of thing. Fast forward a few years and he's in a cricket team, is widely liked and is thriving. Perhaps you're more of a sociable person than your son is, he's only human and it might just be that he's shy and prefers a quiet life. I would worry that pushing him into social situations that he's not comfortable with might make his reactions longer lasting. Having friends (and their parents as friends for you) will come.

Have another child? I'll probably get jumped on for saying that. Obviously there are lots of factors in deciding whether to have another child, and you can't do it just for the child(ren) you already have, but if you would like another for other reasons, it would have the added benefit of giving both children a sibling relationship and all the social benefits and challenges that brings.

Would it be appropriate to send him to a childminder instead of nursery? That'd be a smaller group of children so hopefully less stressful for him? Of course it would need to be a good childminder who can manage his additional needs sensitively.

I would agree that it’s too young to worry about it and he’s getting the contact at nursery.
Mine always just played alongside other children until much older and any play dates were for my benefit not theirs.
Once they start school I’d start social engineering.

How well do you know the staff at nursery? I work in one and a loss of the parents are now close friends, and I'm a proxy aunt to some of the children. I've had one on a sleepover and am taking him out for the day next weekend just for fun. Could something like that be possible?

@H2OH20Everywhere not that well. I don't even know their surnames. Would be cool if something like that could work!

@BiscuitDrama @Neighneigh you may well be right, though all the therapists involved with ASD investigations say "more social interaction and modelling will help" and in general I agree with them - it's just so hard to time it right and indeed find anyone.

@NameChange30 you're not hte first to have said that. It's not an idiotic point of view. But it's not going to happen for all sorts of reasons.

@Thatmustbemyname I don't think he plays with anyone! But will keep it in mind in case he ever does.

@AlphaJura we used to do playgroup. He loathed it, and it didn't result in any friendships because they were all so judgemental. I agree in general a good idea though.

I'll have a poke around on Facebook and look up Mush to see if anyone uses it over here. Thanks everyone for the ideas! Many good ideas here. Some of them won't work well with a massive introvert/anxious ASD-traits toddler, but there's definitely food for thought here.