If you were raised by a single parent...

[Graphista]

What advice would you give to current single parents?

Not a taat but prompted by a few threads I'm currently on and my own circumstances.

I never thought I'd end up a single parent, was with my ex for several years, married for almost 6 when we had dd who was very much planned.

He cheated, we split and virtually as soon as we split he all but completely lost interest in dd.

He didn't pay maintenance, he was seriously unreliable and even dangerous with regard to contact.

I though I was doing the right thing by bending over backwards to cover for him with dd, facilitate what little contact they had and striving to "never speak a bad word" about him in front of her.

As time went on and certainly now (dd is now 18) I honestly regret all that.

I wish I'd let him fade out of her life far earlier than he did - all I did was delayed the inevitable and I honestly feel that's made things worse for dd and for myself.

Dd got wise at a certain point and asked me to stop which I did.

Very quickly their relationship deteriorated because he made sod all effort.

But I'd be interested in hearing what the "children" in these situations think.

If your story is similar do you wish things had been handled differently and if so how?

I was raised by my mum, I'm not sure what she could have done differently but I always felt like I "had" to have a relationship with my father because he was my father. 26 years on I still see him more often than I would like out of some sort of obligation. My sister handled it differently and cut him out so I don't think it's the way we were brought up.
Mum was great, he used to arrange contact but then not actually turn up, she would always then take us out to the park or to see my nana so that we weren't just in the house waiting and getting upset. She never clouded our judgement on him, she let us realise what he was really like on our own. She also gave us a space to talk about what happened when we visited him, she once tried to talk to him about it but that ended badly for all of us so from then on she just listened and hugged us and gave us suggestions of how to handle things ourselves.

A friend of mine is a single dad to two young teens. He bends over backwards too, to facilitate contact with their mum- drives them there and back, (100 mile round trip, every other Friday and Sunday) gives her money to feed them etc whilst they are there as she is on the breadline, helps as much as he can when yet another violent boyfriend creates drama, makes sure she knows of the big things that are happening in their lives and so on- which is all very noble. She does ring them during the week, usually to promise a fun trip when she sees them which never materialises- unless walking to KFC at 1am with her and her pissed up coke head friends counts :( I want to suggest to him that he needs to balance out facilitating contact with considering what is best for them but I don't know if it's my place.

So I can understand why this question is in your head. Its frying mine and its not even my family!

Smartcar your mum sounds lovely and sensible. Very difficult situation.

HeyHey your situation sounds incredibly difficult. I've no idea what to suggest. Sorry

She really is the best DH agrees. We are a very close family, me and mum and my sister. Your daughter has you and no matter what "society" thinks that's plenty.

Not the same but offering a little insight on the flip side as I knew exactly what my dad was all about. I was raised by my mum after my dad's numerous affairs and one instance of DV (i heard it) ended their marriage. I was 8 and my brother was 6 and we couldn't have been happier that it was just us and our mum. We were fairly poor and had sod all. A lot of the time mum had to to choose between electric or gas so many nights we would all huddle up together in the living room to keep warm whilst we watched the same movies again and again. But they were the happiest times of mine and my brothers lives as we had so much fun together.

Yes sometimes we were resentful of the fact that dad and his new family appeared to have absolutely everything and that he rarely saw us but growing older we looked back at the times it was just us and mum and no amount of possessions could trump those memories. My point is really that it was good for us to know exactly what our dad was about and I appreciated my mum a million times more for it. Dad always thought he was worlds best dad too which took the piss. She never covered for him but we never heard mum badmouthing dad either, we just knew what he was like with some of the stupid shit he did. Your dd is becoming an adult now and may become resentful of the situation one day, but she'll learn to understand why you covered for her dad.

It's so hard seeing dd try to deal with her dads disinterest.

I feel I've let her down somehow by having failed to give her a decent dad.

I thought I'd chosen well and there was no indication otherwise until after we split but I still feel that way.

You haven't failed her OP, it is your ex who has.
Give yourself a pat on the back instead, you sound like a nice caring mum.

@Graphista I don't think your DD will feel that way, I've never felt that way about mum and she rushed right in to having me, they'd been together a year when I was born! No way she knew him properly. However if she hadn't done what she did then I wouldn't be the exact person I am.
By all accounts you did the absolute best you could when you chose her dad, his failings are his fault, not yours!

My Dad lived with us until I was 12, but in reality my Mum was a single parent for years before that.

He never worked regularly, never helped around the house, never did anything with my brother or me.

When he got another woman pregnant my Mum kicked him out. It was great. He was moody and the atmosphere at home changed overnight.

Mum had always worked hard to provide for us and nothing changed in that respect. He never paid maintenance.

She never bad mouthed him to us, she didn't need to tbh. He used to make arrangements to see us. I would refuse to go but my brother, who was younger, always wanted to. He'd sit on the door step with his fishing gear waiting for Dad, and he just wouldn't turn up.

I do see my Dad now. I feel I have to as he's my Dad. Not often though and not for long. He's all woe is me and can't understand why no one wants anything to do with him. His own family haven't seen him for years.

My half sister has nothing to do with him now. He lived with her and my step-mum for about 8 years and then she had enough of him too.

He wasn't invited to my wedding. Something which he got quite nasty about. But he didn't deserve to be there. My Mum gave me away.

The way I see it, I got a shit Dad but I got an extra special Mum to make up for it 👍🏻

Thanks for the kind comments.

I hope dd thinks well of me.

I've certainly been accused by ex of "turning dd against" him - he really didn't need my help on that score!

Not least because dd is an excellent judge of character. She susses people out really quickly, I don't know if that's because of her experiences or if she'd have been like that anyway.

to you all for dealing with shit dads and recognising your mums efforts