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Original poster

Funeral or wedding?

24 replies

iloveisland · 20/06/2019 09:32

I have a funeral to attend on the 1st July but also a wedding on the same date.

The funeral is for a close relative of mine and the wedding for a close relative of dp.

Obviously we agreed to go to the wedding first but in my opinion the funeral is more important.

Dp thinks the wedding is more important so I've suggested he goes there and I go to the funeral on my own.

Only problem with that is he will have all 3 dc with him who are under 5.

What would you do I'm my situation?

OP posts:

patchisagoodpup · 20/06/2019 09:34

Sorry for your loss

I think as you say, you go to the funeral, he goes to the wedding. Presumably at the wedding there will be relatives of his who can help with the DC? Depending on how you feel, you can always join the wedding reception later in the evening after the funeral and celebration of life/wake?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/06/2019 09:52

Difficult one and I'm quite a bit less emotional than most people, so in these circumstances I would only go to the funeral of a parent or sibling, otherwise I would attend the wedding. I would also then head straight from the funeral over to the wedding to join DH. However, I do tend to compartmentalise.

However, I'm not you.

Redshoesandtheblues · 20/06/2019 11:43

Sorry for your loss.
I think you have come up with the obvious way forward. Funeral for you. Wedding for him and the children.

Leeds2 · 20/06/2019 12:10

I would do as you have planned. Your DH can manage his own children by himself for one afternoon, and there will surely be people at the wedding who will help him if he need it. Could you make it to the wedding after the funeral?

AuntMarch · 20/06/2019 12:12

Will his parents also be at the wedding? If so, can they help? If not, can they babysit?

Teaandchocolatecake · 20/06/2019 12:14

I would attend the funeral service only and then head to the wedding.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 20/06/2019 12:15

You go to the funeral.

He takes the children to the wedding. His family are there as back up, and the wedding is the better occasion for young children to attend.

Sirzy · 20/06/2019 12:15

Can you go from the funeral over to the wedding reception?

MadeForThis · 20/06/2019 12:22

You go to the funeral then travel to the wedding once it's over.

mindutopia · 20/06/2019 13:18

I think it would depend on the closeness of the family member. I assume they aren't that close (a parent, grandparent, sibling) or else you would have been consulted about availability before the funeral was planned. If it was one of those though, I would go to the funeral as a priority and go to the wedding later, if possible. Though if I was grieving the loss of a parent or sibling, I would expect my dh to be there to support me really. If this is a more distant relative (aunt, uncle, nan's cousin who you haven't seen since you were 16, etc.), then I would send a thoughtful card to the family, make a donation to a charity in their honour or some similar, and attend the wedding as you have already committed to that.

NewMe2019 · 20/06/2019 13:22

You should go to the funeral. He can go to the wedding and take the DCs. If it was the other way around there would be no mention of family to help out with the DCs, he's their dad, he can parent his own children for a few hours alone.

ineedaholidaynow · 20/06/2019 13:26

I think you have to come to a sensible compromise.

Are the venues close together, so you could go to the evening do afterwards (if you feel up to it)?

If you aren't going to the wedding you will need to let the bride and groom know as soon as possible as they may be able to get refund for your meal

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 20/06/2019 20:50

I'm sorry for your loss.

Totally baffled as to why him attending the wedding with his own 3 children is an issue? Is he not up to parenting them by himself? I agree with pp that if this was the other way round then no one would suggest the mum needed help from other wedding guests. We do men a disservice by suggesting they can't cope with their own children although to be fair, many, as witnessed on MN, don't seem able to cope on their own and expect a medal for doing so.

Go to the funeral and join the wedding party later on. I'm sure your deceased relative would not want you to miss out on the celebration and it would be a positive end to a sad start of the day. My late nana would have said something about the circle of life and how you grieve for the ending of one life but celebrate the start of another ie married life as a couple.

KnittingSister · 20/06/2019 20:58

You could take the baby to the funeral on the basis the baby won't be bothered where they go, and the older 2 to the wedding?

AuntieStella · 20/06/2019 21:00

He takes the DC to the wedding.

You go to the funeral, and join the wedding later (logistics permitting)

He'll manage the parenting (there will be plenty of family there to help) and everyone will understand why you cannot be there

and I hope it is a good send off

WhereForArtThouBray · 20/06/2019 21:02

I think your idea is the best way.

How old are the DC? 1 year old triplets is going to be very difficult where as a 3 month old, 3 year old and almost 5 year old would be easier.

Shadow1234 · 20/06/2019 22:13

Agree with your plan - you go to funeral, he goes to wedding and takes DC. Then you go to the wedding after.

Original poster

iloveisland · 21/06/2019 07:29

Unfortunately the wedding and funeral are in two separate towns, in opposite directions from where we live.(It couldn't be more difficult).

Our dc are 9 month old twins and a 3.5 year old. They are very difficult to handle when there is just one of you.

I cannot take the twins for two reasons as 1 they will be quite disruptive and I will not be able to concentrate on the funeral and 2 the person driving me only has 2 spaces.

My mum was originally having the children during the wedding service then bringing the children to join us after. Obviously she will now be at the funeral.

OP posts:

BogglesGoggles · 21/06/2019 07:31

I think the way you have settled it is the only reasonable option but I would consider looking for childcare. 3 year old in particular should be fine with a friend/babysitter.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/06/2019 07:44

Those ages are hard for a wedding, especially the service. Do you have a friend who could possibly look after the twins especially whilst you are at the funeral? I assume you will be away from home less time than your DH

stoplickingthetelly · 22/06/2019 08:32

I’m going to go against the grain and say I Would probably go to the wedding if you can’t do both in the same day due to timings/distance/driving. It doesn’t sound like it’s a parent/sibling’s funeral and you agreed to go to the wedding before. I would struggle with twin babies and a 3 year old at a wedding on my own so I agree that your dh really does need some help. Could you send flowers or a donation to charity for the funeral and explain your situation to those who have organised it?

nikkylou · 22/06/2019 10:06

Who are the relatives for each event. When you say close, do you mean closely related or close as in you were very attached? My partner's aunts and uncles are numerous, and they are techicnally close relatives, but he's certainly not close to them and wouldn't attend.

Funerals are your last chance to say goodbye, will YOU regret not taking this opportunity for this? Or are you prioritising the funeral as you think funeral > wedding of when all other things are equal.

There's no wrong answer. What are the timings if the day, even if they're in opposite towns, can you attend the funeral, offer your condolences and leave immediately rather than going for the sake, and still make the reception?

Also, have you already RSVP the wedding, I expect this was in the diary before the funeral and your plate has already been paid for. Funerals may offer a buffet wake, or a place you can order some food, so no one has paid for your food specifically.

babbi · 22/06/2019 10:13

Agree that twins and a 3 yo is a bit much on your own ... unusually I’m with the DH on that .

Another suggestion you may wish to consider ( depending on your relationship with the deceased- ie not parent /grandparents)
Is to visit the chief mourners in advance with your condolences and then meet again on a date after to show your support .
That way you can attend the wedding with DH .

I often feel funerals are a blur for the chief mourners and only very direct relatives etc are missed on the busy day .
But most bereaved people totally appreciate visits and extended support after the day when the crowds have gone back to their busy lives and they feel quite alone then ..

Anyway just a thought and I’m very sorry for your loss ..,

Congratulations on your twins ..with a 3 yo you must be very busy ..
take care xx

CherryPavlova · 22/06/2019 10:17

A visit to next of kin explaining you had a prior commitment of a wedding. Take some memories of the person whose died. Drink tea.
The relative is dead so they’re not going to benefit from your presence.

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