How do I bolster DS1?

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DS1 is 9 and has always been a bit 'quirky'. He's recently started saying that he feels worthless and is worried that nobody loves him. Obviously I've reassured him that we all love him but I don't know how to deal with the 'worthlessness'. Anybody got any tips?

Has he got friends - either at school or outside school?

He's not got any really close friends. He's not a stereotypical boy (hates football) and gets on much better with the girls in his class but then the boys tease him. Plus he's tiny...my 6 year old is nearly as tall as him.

He moved schools at the beginning of last year. He seemed to settle well but then had problems with a boy bullying him. That was dealt with.

This has only just come up in the last few days and I'm a bit at a loss how to help him. He said 'as a last resort can I have psychological counselling'

Bless his little heart. I don't really know what to say but I feel for you and him. Counselling might help, it's worth a try. I'm so glad he has confided in you, do continue to listen and talk where appropriate.

All the very best, let us know how things go.
for you.

If it’s only come up in the past few days I’d just let him talk it through with you but keep an eye on him. DS had a session at school on depression, and that very weekend diagnosed himself with depression having never showed any sign before. He moped about for 2 days, and I was beginning to worry about him, but come Monday morning the depression had been forgotten and he’s not mentioned it or acted in any concerning way since!

Talk to the school about
a) in general trying to bolster his self esteem
b) stamping out the teasing

Try to find an extra curricular activity he can do that he would enjoy and give him confidence. Whether it is a chess club, karate, wildlife conservation, or whatever else takes his interest.

Make sure you praise him for his strengths.

My 9 year old is the same. We tell him repeatedly how valued he is, how everyone loves him.

He doesn't have any friends other than to play with at school. He is very anxious and hasn't had a playdate or gone to a party for years.

We try to build his self esteem -lots of praise and positive reinforcement.

I'm interested if any other techniques come up.

This might sound silly but it really helped my ds2. There is an online questionnaire called the VIA strengths test, it identifies the things you are good at, but it’s not just the regular things like sports or art. My son’s top strengths included humour, enthusiasm, perseverance, and zest for life.
It helped him because he was comparing himself with others and couldn’t see what he had. His brothers strengths were very different.

He's got extra curricular activities-he does cubs and karate, plus has singing lessons at school. Generally he's brimming with confidence but at bedtime he gets like this.

He had counselling at his infant school because his father and I split up and my ex was being a complete tool. His infant school also wanted to send him for an autism assessment but that's never come up in his new school. He's very, very bright and can be a bit precocious with it.

He sounds very self aware. It's very grown up of him to acknowledge and discuss his feelings in this way.

Does he have any interests that you could promote? Ideally something that isn't competitive. My DS is a small 10 year old and was struggling with the school playground politics.

He has started karate lessons and loves it. The sensei is good at praising everyone individually and noticing their strengths.

The best part is that it's a mixed age class so only one member is someone he knows from school and then he has made a huge range of friends, from young to old. He feels valued.

Aside from that, keep doing what you're doing I guess. He felt comfortable enough to speak to you and you clearly listened and value his emotions.

Ahh, cross post sorry. Sounds like his brain works overtime rather than allowing him to rest. Another shared trait with my DS. He has to read until he falls asleep and his mind just won't switch off.
Do you think that might help?

Sorry me again. So last night we had another ‘episode’ with him saying he’s worthless, nobody loves him, he shouldn’t exist. He thinks it started when a boy in his class said nobody loves him. He says he wants to talk to someone about why he feels like this. I don’t know whether to approach the school or the doctor first? Any thoughts? I’ve sadly got a lot of first hand experience of MH problems so maybe I’m overreacting but I don’t want this to become a serious problem for him.

You say that generally he’s brimming with confidence and enjoys extracurricular activities but he becomes demanding and emotional at bedtime.You don’t think, perhaps, he’s playing you?

I don't know, he is generally truthful and he does seem genuinely upset, we're talking full on tears. As I said, I have MH problems so I'm hyper vigilant about any possible signs with both my children. Maybe I am over reacting but it's heartbreaking to hear your child sobbing saying they're worthless and unloveable.

Your son has told you he needs to see a therapist. For a 9 year old to say that, I would take it very seriously. I would get him to one as soon as humanly possible, go private if the wait is too long.

Have you seen gp to just make sure he is tracking his growth curve (some kids are just small but growing proportionally according to age, but others have a medical issue that could be addressedz).

My dd shares some of the traits that you describe. She almost always struggled at bedtimes with different physical pains. I see it as soem form of attention seekibg/ wanting to keep me close although I don't doubt she is in pain although she was always fine downstairs five mins before.
She sometimes struggles to sleep too.

Similar situation but not the same.

Half of me doesn't worry and the other does. No help at all really.

If it’s coming up at bedtime, is it because this is the point in the evening when he starts thinking about the next day at school? Does he ever get like this on a Friday night?

It sounds to me like this is a a school-based issue. I would have a word with the teacher, as it sounds like he is being teased/bullied.

There are some great kids meditation downloads on audible. Could one of those help, if he did it before bed?

Keep talking to him, it sounds like you’re doing a great job of being emotionally available and supportive. Can you afford to pay for him to see someone? I would worry a waiting list on NHS would be too long, and that he might not qualify for a referral (though this varies by area, I believe, so with checking out with the GP).

My son was similar. Music lessons helped. He had 30 mins once a week concentrating on something he enjoyed, learnt a new skill and very much found a mentor figure in his guitar teacher. He is 10 now and much more confident - his attitude is “some people are sporty, but I am better at music”. He started with group lessons and made some new friends that way.

I've got a meeting with the headteacher tomorrow morning. I'm going to see if I can get DS1 to write down his feelings.

I think you should talk to school and go to the GP. And also consider paying for a counsellor privately if you can.