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Original poster

Need support indecent images

21 replies

DocusDiplo · 18/06/2019 23:08

Please can someone handhold?

Found out a family member has been arrested and investigated for looking at indecent images.

I feel shocked.

This is not .... I just .... I don't know what to do.

I don't need to do anything practical as I am far away but I feel sick and shocked to my core.

I don't know how to process the information.

OP posts:

Soola · 19/06/2019 00:06

Of children?

Original poster

DocusDiplo · 19/06/2019 04:18

Yes. I feel so ashamed by association.

OP posts:

Soola · 19/06/2019 05:20

You’ve done nothing wrong.

At this stage it is an investigation so it may turn out that the person is innocent.

If they are found guilty then whilst it’s distressing, you are not responsible for their actions.
Mate you very close to his person? It must have been a horrible shock for you.

Totur · 19/06/2019 05:29

It's ok. Just calm down and breathe. You've nothing to fear. It's not you who did it, you did not know, you were not involved. So don't panic! Just breathe.

Original poster

DocusDiplo · 19/06/2019 08:06

I have a small family so it's shocking in that sense - my parents are dead and so my brother & his family were my main family.

Police stormed the house at 6am. He admitted pictures. He told me this on phone. He is suicidal so I won't have a go at him.

His wife wants to support him. I don't know if I can be that confidante. As I am very angry and ashamed and mostly shocked. He had been under ALOT of stress for 5 yrs so I can see where the anger has come from. But I feel sick thinking about it and know it's not an excuse. I feel burdened with the information. And angry she wants to support him and me to support them.

Awful news for me. Life keeps testing me.

OP posts:

BlankTimes · 19/06/2019 08:46

Tell them any help and support they need has to come from professionals and you aren't able to provide any.

Tell them you are shocked and wish to cut contact until you have processed all this new information and its implications.

VictoriaBun · 19/06/2019 08:55

If you are close To your sil then I wouldn't cut contact with her. She may well change her initial thoughts on supporting him once the severity of it all sinks in. Let unknowingly are there for her if she needs it and tell her you are about for a chat whenever . It's obviously up to you to decide where your relationship with your brother will go.

joystir59 · 19/06/2019 08:56

You did nothing wrong. His wife did nothing wrong. You are both in shock, and need time to process the shock. His wife wants to support him, but her feeling could well change as she processes what he has done. But if you were close to him you are probably close to her too? And would normally support her? I think you should be able to support her through this but you need to understand that his shame and guilt are not yours. You have done nothing wrong.

Adversecamber22 · 19/06/2019 08:59

I would choose to not support them, there would be no blood is thicker than water for me. His wife may not have had a clue She has made her choices regarding staying with him by chosen association I would cut all contact with her as well. You do not need to have a go at them though. I would say seek professional help and tell her that I would never be seeing or speaking to them again.

Illberidingshotgun · 19/06/2019 09:02

It's going to take time for it all to sink in and to process your thoughts.

Keep communication with your SIL - she's going to need support. You don't have to agree with her standing by him (if that's what's she's doing) but you can be there for her, listen to her, and offer practical support. Do they have DC? if they do, as well as police involvement there will be a lot of SS involvement.

As I said, you don't have to condone her stance, (and certainly not his actions) and be honest with her in a gentle way, in order to offer support. You may find that you need her support as much as she needs yours.

Take care.

MarthasGinYard · 19/06/2019 09:09

Awful situation OP

You and Sil can be supportive of each other in practical ways even if you have different feelings regarding the arrest.

Handhold

TremblingFanjo · 19/06/2019 09:34

Can you see the minimising language you are using? Found with indecent images, rather than searching for photos of sexual abuse. How stressed the poor man has been, how much support he needs.

He's admitted to looking at photos of children being raped.

Nicknacky · 19/06/2019 09:38

The op isn’t minimising at all. And she says she found out he had been looking at images, not that he was “found” with them.

Op, have a look at The Lucy Faithful Foundation, it provides assistance to offenders and their families.

Original poster

DocusDiplo · 19/06/2019 10:02

Thank you. It is a situation you never imagine you will find yourself in. It's what happens to "other families" and "bad families".

The SS will be involved yes. He has said it was never acted upon. It was "only" online. I guess I am minimising it because I want to feel hope for him and my SIL and my nephew and nieces that they can get past his sick sick actions (illness/disease/addiction?????) and he can be punished accordingly but then also seek professional counselling and therapy (do Whatever it takes) to cure and sort himself out.

I understand a few PPs have said that they would cut contact and I do understand that and a part of me wants to do that. But similarly, when it really happens it's doesn't all seems so easy and black and white.

I am also worried about the repurcussions of choosing Not to cut contact. If I choose to not cut contact I feel I will be completely guilty by association and seen to defend his actions. And of course of course of course I don't.

Thank you for the website link I will head over there right now.

I am sure I saw a thread about someone who had been in a similar situation a while ago. I'd like to hear from people who have been there too . Couldn't find the thread and too be honest I don't even want to Google anything about this as it is all so truly hideous and revolting and disgusting and scary.

OP posts:

Magenta82 · 19/06/2019 10:34

He has said it was never acted upon. It was "only" online.

Real children were abused to produce those images.

If people like him didn't look at them then there wouldn't be a market for pictures.

He contributed to the abuse of children.

Pinotjo · 19/06/2019 10:39

That's horrendous, I'm sure I'd react the same as you. I'd be disgusted but torn because hes your brother. I think you need to explain that you need to step back to process it but you may need to step back in to support your SIL & any DC they have. It must be 10 x harder for them especially if it goes to court, SS may step in. I'd find it hard to understand how stress leads to child porn, your brother may feel suicidal but what about the victim children. I feel for you, you may need some counselling to process this. Take care of yourself first, that's my best advice

joystir59 · 19/06/2019 10:55

MNHQ might be able to find a link to the other thread OP, I think it would help you enormously to read it and connect with others going through the same situation.

Magenta82 · 19/06/2019 11:00

I feel for you OP I really do, it must have been an horrendous shock.

If I were you I would throw myself into supporting my SIL and any children. I would have no contact with my brother and would encourage my SIL to do the same.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 19/06/2019 11:07

@Pinotjo child sexual abuse, not child porn. The correct terminology is important to victims. Thanks.

CrotchetyQuavers · 19/06/2019 11:52

Please do contact the Lucy Faithfull foundation for advice, they will be able to advise both you & your SIL (she may have already been in touch with them as the police usually give the details to the family in the event of a search/arrest). She will be in shock at the moment, and not know which way to go with regards to supporting your brother, so please try to support her if you feel that you can. I would advise her to ask him to leave for the time being until she can process what has happened and make rational decisions in conjunction with the professionals who will be involved in this process. This would also be the advice that SS will give her with regards to the safety of her children which should be her main priority.

Awful news for me. Life keeps testing me.
I'm so very sorry that this has happened to your family, but I think you need to keep this feeling to yourself, it's not about you.

Original poster

DocusDiplo · 19/06/2019 14:17

Thanks everyone. Really helpful to get it out there. I'm scared of stigma and my SIL becoming a pariah. I am sure she will stand by him as she trusts him and that's her perogative.

This shouldn't need stating but I would like to state I am vehemently opposed to, and disgusted by, the viewing and distribution or discussion of child abuse. I am in no no no way excusing his actions. But I can't change what he did and I had Absolutely not a blinking clue this could Ever ever happen.

I am just trying fight through the desire to punch him and scream as I know he feels Shame and guilt.

Its not my decision to stay with him or not. If this was my partner I do hope I would have the strength to leave - I don't understand when women stay with cheats even,but it's not so easy for everyone is it. And it's kind of their choice even if I disagree with it.

I am not sure what good it would do now to just ditch him and never speak to him again. I could do that. But how will that help anyone? If he goes to jail that will be his punishment and if he loses his job and lives with this forever, that is his punishment.

I am really conflicted , please don't think I am calm and decided. It's a rollercoaster.

I've learnt alot from read that website. But it's still all very confusing. I don't understand lots of it.

OP posts:

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