Ok...this is potentially outing so I have name changed as my sister knows my usernane (although may be able to tell who I am based on this, but I have tried!) and will try to keep it vague whilst including what I think is the relevant info.
My grandparent died at the beginning of the year and since then, we have found several things out about their situation that none of my side of the family were aware of. First of all, it has become apparent my father's parents were in terrible financial difficulty. None of us know why, as they inherited fairly large sums of money and lived fairly simply - no flashy cars, no big holidays, they lived in a small but comfortable house with a small mortgage. However, it has come to light that they remortgaged many times and have quintupled their mortgage from the original(I think thats right! Borrowed 5 x their original mortgage since they took it out anyway). We have also found evidence of them depositing a large sum of money from another family member (whose finances they were in control of). Not only this, but my dad has 4 siblings, one of whom has been under assisted living since he turned 18 due to a permanent disability. They also had control of his finances, and apparently 5 or so thousand was unpaid to his care home and never properly accounted for, although it is no longer outstanding so I can only assume this was settled at some point.
Of the other 3 sibli gs, one has accused one grandoarent of very serious abuse, one absolutely bo longer speaks to them, so much so they refused to come to the funeral, and one lives at the other side of the country and whilst we assumed they had a good relationship but were just too far away to visit, emails were uncovered to suggest my grandoarent was behaving verbally abusively and very badly towards them and their children too.
This is totally at odds to the grandparents and parent we knew, who may have said slightly unkind things at times, but was largely happy, friendly and loving. My dad says he never experienced, nor saw, any of the abusive behaviour whilst growing up or after leaving home (of course, this doesn't mean it didn't happen, just that it was a side he never knew). My dad is quite heartbroken at losing one parent and having his ideas surrounding the other turned absolutely on their head, understandably, and wants to let things lie. My surviving grandparent is very old and completely senile, no longer recognising anyone, and is probably not long for this world. This of course means we are unable to ask them anything about what has gone on.
But...I really want to speak to my aunt who refused to come to the funeral. I want to know why she wouldn't come. I don't want to upset her though, and we have never been close, I could count on the fingers of one hand how many times we have spoken. Fwiw, based on gender, I don't believe this is an abuse thing, but I may be wrong. Would you message them and ask? I don't think she would be up for meeting me face to face, to be honest. I'm acutely aware of the fact I probably shouldn't meddle, but it is still my family and I want to know what happened. As I said, my father definitely won't 'poke the bear' so to speak, so there is no way I can ask him to find out either. I'm finding it quite difficult to reconcile this gentle grandparent to the horrible person they appear to be to everyone else and I find that difficult, but I also know I can't really use that as an excuse to bother someone I barely know basically, purely to satisfy some curiosity. As a family, we also really want to know what happened to all the money - not because we want any of it, just because there are tens of thousands that are seemingly unaccountable for, with no real clues on bank statements or in their lifestyle as to where it has gone.
So...I think I know I can't, but would you message just to ask? This is the last person I think could give any light on what might have happened. Also, does anyone know how else to find out what the heck the money went on? Any ideas maybe?
Please be gentle on this, I know it may sound open to be ripped to pieces but I am really upset about this and well aware that my grandparent is not a pleasant person at all. Thank you