Husband is very rude to my mother

[RoseWrites]

My husband is normally lovely but has slowly become quite rude and bossy. I can ignore/push back but he is spectacularly rude to my mum.
Last month she came to stay and he was irritated every time she took a breath and snapped at her constantly. It was tense and awful. I was upset for my mum and personally embarrassed at his behaviour.
He can be quite controlling and tell me what to do. As an example, He went bonkers when I said I was going to do gardening one evening.
When I try and discuss it with him and say I don't tell him what to do, he tells me "don't turn it into something it is not".
We have just been to stay with my mum and DH painted her spare room. When the first coat was on she said she wasn't sure on the colour. He went nuts shouting that he wasn't changing it and got really aggressive. He carried on being rude, combative and basically a d**k for the rest of the weekend.
I kept trying to talk to him about it and he would apologise to me but could not see a problem with it (he thought he was doing her a favour with the decorating, I guess).
At one point I burst into tears and asked that he was kinder to her. He nodded along and then said we didn't need "to keep talking about it".
We came home yesterday and this morning my mum rang saying how hurt she is, how rude he is and how she isn't sure she wants him in the house for a while.
I don't blame her. He was horrible.
How can I make my husband see how vile he is to her, and how upset it makes my mum and me? Everytime I bring it up he says "it is done now" and "let's not keep going over it"... I am at a loss and feel really sad.
Any advice?

What an absolute twat. I couldn't stand to be anywhere near a man like that. My advice is LTB.

@Benmurray1987 sorry you have gone through something similar :(

DH's behaviour has improved, although very slowly. My DM came to stay earlier this month., Before her arrival, I asked that he was nice and calm, and if he couldn't be, to just leave the room/house - it was only for a few days so he couldn't really argue with that. He agreed, but then his irritation started as soon as she arrived. I kept on at him to be kind, and to be fair to him, he did do this. There was one flare up and my mum called him out for being controlling and that seemed to help the situation (!).

I have no idea why he becomes like this when she is around. His behaviour is baffling, and I think it confuses him too (although he'd never admit it).

I guess the one thing I've done, which was suggested by people here, is not to have it swept away. I ask him to explain why he is like it, what the problem is, and rather than get annoyed/argue, is to calmly ask "you seem upset/irritated/stressed/you aren't yourself, what can i do to help?". That helps create a pause and helps him calm down and realise he's being a d*ck.

Overall, it has been a long process, but things are definitely improving.

What has been happening for you? x

I would leave any man who wouldn't put up with my family for my sake. Alternatively if family were vile to a reasonable DH I would stand by him.

My family aren't DHs normal cup of tea but over the years they've found common ground. He's always been polite and supportive. I expect nothing less.

I asked that he was nice I kept on at him to be kind

Why the fuck should you have to keep asking your grown adult husband to be nice to your mum. Once is (more than) enough. The fact you had to keep asking an adult to be nice to another person is ridiculous.

Your standards are too low OP.

Sounds like he's trying to isolate you from your mother.

This may not be the case, but sometimes personality changes are down to illness which is undiagnosed. If your DH never used to be like that towards your mother, what may have changed?

I think your update is good - sounds as though he has listened to you and decided to respond differently.

I wondered ths6 as well.