Advice on how to handle bullying and school.

[Unicornhamster]

Just need some detached perspectives on this situation at school as I don’t know if I am over reacting or under reacting.

DS5 has been having some re occurring problems with the same group of boys in his class since September, class is very small only 8 boys in total. Most incidents seem to centre around one boy in particular, will call him A for the sake of this.
About every 1 to 2 days he comes home upset about something. Some examples

• Boys wouldn’t let him sit down at lunch on orders of A and told him he could only sit if he ate from the princess plate.
• They play ‘Chinese whispers’ leaving DS out of the circle but will point and laugh at him when whispering
• ‘A’ tells DS he will be nice to him until lunch time and then if he talks to him they will lock him in the bike shed (they didn’t)
• Group recently cornered DS in a semi secluded part of playground and pushed him over then wouldn’t let him stand up until the bell rang

So not to drip feed, I have spoken to the teacher twice about my concerns and she told me that others were having similar problems but DS seems to be main target. She said they were keeping an eye on things but DS stands up for himself so they aren’t concerned and they are all only 5 and struggle with anger outbursts at this age. I don’t see these as outbursts, they are very calculated and often done when the risk of been caught is low. DS often tells me these things as part of a general conversation when asked how his day was, it’s only the last month that he’s come out of school and started crying telling me what’s happened.

After a particularly nasty incident last week (too outing to go into detail) and DS begging me to keep him home I have organised a meeting with teacher for next week. DS isn’t a sensitive child he’s pretty resilient and doesn’t get upset easily.

How would you handle this with the school? What would you expect from them at this point? I don’t want to get fobbed off by them but equally don’t know if I should be going to the head now?

'they aren't concerned' is an alarming statement.
So is 'keeping an eye on things'

I was peddled this sort of shit form DC's primary school. It translates as: We are incompetent at tackling bullying.
When I asked to see their bullying guidelines, they didn't have any which is, i think, against the law. The head teacher believed we were a lovely community school and everyone was so happy there was no bullying. Because he refused to admit it, it was rife.

I spoke to the parents and was very clear that I wouldn't tolerate it. In the end, I happened to be helping out at a summer club and witnessed one of the bullies doing exactly what you are describing to one of my sons. I took him aside and gave him a verbal bollocking. He was so shocked. He thought all adults just 'monitored' the situation. He burst into tears and didn't hurt DS again. One of the other bullies, I'm afraid, kept at it until DS hit him (after years of this sort of abuse.) No one wants that to be the effective way of dealing with it, but sometimes it is.

That's awful - your poor DS :(

I would absolutely ask for a meeting with the Head now and go in with your concerns in writing. Leave them a copy so they are in absolutely no position to claim ignorance. Ask to see their anti-bullying policy. If things still aren't resolved after this, your next step would be to take it up with the Chair of Governors.

www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/what-to-do-if-the-school-doesn-t-resolve-the-bullying/

The school are ignoring it then basically?
I would tell them they need to get concerned and start safeguarding your child at school.
I had similar issues and the school were dreadful, kept saying they were monitoring things, that my child seemed happy anyway, when it came to social exclusion that my child was sobbing about daily they even told me my child "liked" to play alone! No they bloody well didn't but they had no choice because they were bullied. Things go very very bad for us and my child ended up having a nervous breakdown and changing schools. Please don't let this happen to your son, if I could go back I would have been much firmer, demanded plans of action and removed my child sooner.

Sounds like teacher is well aware and doesn't really know what to do.
Go to the head and as pp suggested, take it further if no clear plan is put in place.
Are there behaviour reports etc I place?

I'm really sorry this is happening to your son. I think it is incredibly important that he knows you are on his side and will fight his corner if no one at the school is competent enough to.

I'd definitely complain to the Head, talk to the parents of the boys involved, talk with parents of any other boy who has been bullied and teach your sons how to stand up for themselves.

The school should be showing you proactive steps they are taking to teach boys not to just follow an aggressive leader. And teach them how to stand up for themselves if someone tries to get them to behave in a way that's wrong. The school needs to give current examples, such as refusing to speak to people or allow them to sit with you, so the children know exactly what is and isn't bullying etc.

If the school doesn;t take immediate action, complain to the governors and complain to Ofsted. I complained when Ofsted came round and so did a number of other parents. It was flagged in the report and the school had to make changes.

I thought you were talking about ten year olds and then you said they are only five! That’s shocking behaviour as the bully boy is consistent and seems aware his actions are manipulative, controlling and are upsetting your son.

The school are being completely unhelpful in dealing with this situation.

One of two things will happen. Your son will lose it and clobber the bulky resulting in your son getting an unfair bad reputation.

Or it will escalate and bulky boy will do something quite nasty resulting in your son being hurt physically or emotionally or both to the extent where he will not want to go to school again.

I would be asking if I could come in and be a guest classroom assistant so I could see for myself what is going on and how the school are dealing with it.

Thanks all for your replies. Sorry to hear you have had similar situations. My worst fear is exactly as you describe, them thinking he is coping because he puts on a brave face.
Sounds a similar setup to you @growlingbear it’s a v.small school only one class per year of about 18 children and the teachers tend to get defensive if anyone criticises. I am tempted to talk to the parents, and will if the school don’t address it quickly but think the school should talk to them first as I would expect is my DS was targeting another child.

The management of the school is also complicated I am not sure they have a board of governors (it’s private) and the owners of the school are also related to various members of staff there. As far as I am aware they don’t have a separate person/persons that you can complain to...

Their anti bullying policy pretty much shows that it’s classed as bullying but in the document there is nothing stating what steps they take to resolve a situation they just repeat “we will solve it quickly and efficiently” etc..

I recently come across “masterminds and wingmen” which is a book about Male cliques in schools. Might be helpful?

The equivalent of “queen bees and wannabees”.

At least helps you understand the dynamic and how to approach it

thank you @growlingbear very helpful suggestions on what to ask them. I want to go into the meeting prepared so I don’t leave thinking they have just said all the right things.

@Soola ‘A’ is an intelligent little boy, and you’re right it’s all well planned out. The group often invite DS to play at the beginning of the day and as soon as they think I have left will start to exclude him. Last week I stuck around and they told him to go away so he just sat on a bench, I did ask ‘A’ why DS couldn’t play and he said he can he’s just waiting his turn.. the game was chase. I have took him straight to class for the past few days.

I'm not sure I could send my child to that school under those circumstances. This is nasty, premeditated and systematic bullying and if the school won't deal with it effectively then I would be looking for another school.

@UnderPompeii We are looking to move out of our area towards the end of this year, and we have been on the waiting list for our state school since September. Unfortunately he’s looking at another term there for yr1, I have 7 week old twins so can’t home school and the next nearest prep school is a forty minute drive.

Bless you that sounds so hard. I can only suggest making an absolute nuisance of yourself at the school, keep a record of every incident, keep demanding what they are going to do about it. Where are you moving to, if it is commutable I wonder if you could search for a school in the new area? Best of luck OP I really hope you can get this sorted little shits bullying makes me so cross

You're paying for this shitty, defensive, in adequate response? Wow. All the more reason to demand specific examples of how they are dealing with it in a quick and efficient way, and to challenges those methods as they are proven not to be working.

I agree you should make a nuisance of yourself after the response you got. It's good that you are moving. The girl who was like this in dd1's year 1 class was still like it in year 6. So they need to crack down on it rather than say "they are only 5"