"Demi-sexual" (getting to know someone before being sexually attracted to them) - Is it unusual?

[Smitetheewiththunderbolts]

I came across the term "demi-sexual" on another thread and looked up the meaning. It basically refers to someone who doesn't feel sexually attracted to people until they get to know them - so not someone who snogs strangers on a night out, sort of thing.

This article from the Independent sums it up well:
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/demisexuality-what-is-it-sex-orientation-emotional-relationships-physical-a7912661.html

To me it seems normal but it's made out to be a minority thing. So I thought I'd put it to the Mumsnet Massive: does nearly everyone go round in a state of "Phoar, I wouldn't mind shagging him/her" when they meet new people? I had thought men tended to do that, less so women. But I'm prepared to be enlightened.

It's not a measure of how quickly you would act upon attraction (you might fancy the pants off someone on a first date but decide to wait a while before getting physical - that wouldn't be "demi-sexual"). It's whether your sexual interest is actually triggered very early into meeting new people, rather than taking a while to warm to them.

So which camp are you: instant sexual attraction or developing over time?

Thanks for the responses. The fact that most of them were so dismissive of the concept suggests that it's not so uncommon (amongst women anyway). I tried it keep it neutral and non-judgemental in case anyone did want to admit to immediate sexual attraction (some women must - the ones who say they've had 30 sexual partners and don't think it's a high number? I don't think I've even been attracted to 30 people.).

I think that the new sexuality boxes are coined from a hyper sexual male perspective.

Yes, I'm wondering if this is male-centric. The thread that contained the term demi-sexual was about Pride and how some of it has become more about exhibitionism/kink/fetish, which seems to come more from men. The prefix demi- does imply that it's something less, presumably not full-on sexual attraction at first sight. One of the online explanations says it's not supposed to mean lesser or half, in which case they should have invented a better term because 'demi' does mean half.

To generalise, men are more likely to see people as sex objects, whereas women don't? Obviously not all men/women etc etc. So the hyper sexual perspective is the norm and anyone who doesn't confom must be in a minority category.

Along with the self-identification bandwagon there does seem to be an increase in extraversion and exhibitionism. Which is fine, I'm all for tolerating behaviour between consenting adults. But not if it's held up as the norm and people who aren't into that feel as if they're defective. As some PPs have said, maybe these terms aren't such a bad thing if they give people the confidence to say 'Actually I'm demi-sexual/a-romantic/whatever'.

[I'm probably projecting waaaay too much of my own experience onto this.]

To quote Alicia Silverstone in the film Clueless:
"You see how picky I am about shoes, and they only go on my feet."

For me, demi-sexuality is part of the hypersexual-asexual continuum. I would say I'm demisexual in that I can say I fancy someone's appearence but in terms of sex and relationships I have to know people - makes OLD a non-starter. However, there is more to this in that I wouldn't be too upset about not ever having sex again if for whatever reason circumstances led that way. I think it would be very unlikely I would marry again, similarly I wouldn't date if I was a single parent while my children were dependent. It's not a moral choice, more I'm not that inclined with respect to the hassle of dating - too much like job interviews for sex!

'I tried it keep it neutral and non-judgemental in case anyone did want to admit to immediate sexual attraction'

Oh, well. I've always had a more stereotypically male approach to sex and partners and ons, in so far as when I was young there were so many blokes I fancied everywhere and I saw no reason not to make hay while the sun shone, as it were.

However I don't see people who don't feel like this need a special label, is the difference. The range of different feelings about attraction and sex are all normal, I mean, unless they are being seriously imposed by an outside influence eg religion. That said, we are all exposed to and influenced by a hyper sexualised approach. However my genuine lack of guilt concern or worry at doing what I fancied leads me to believe it was part of what I'm like, and not a response to influence. Who knows though, for any of us. Certainly the idea that men are hyper sexual alley cats and women and the gatekeepers harms us all. Plenty of men want a connection with those they have sex with and are choosy, not keen on ons.

Bottom line is that not wanting to fuck all and sundry is normal. Esp for women who bear risk of pregnancy and if het are exposing themselves to more risk both from the men physically and of std.

The labels ignore all this stuff.

'You see how picky I am about shoes, and they only go on my feet'

'However, there is more to this in that I wouldn't be too upset about not ever having sex again if for whatever reason circumstances led that way'

You see, I think a lot of women feel this way, when we get a bit older. Even some younger ones. More so than men.

Again it is framed that being Ok with no more sex is out of ordinary and needs a label.

For females, I don't think it's unusual at all.

I don't think it is unusual.

And it certainly doesn't need a label.

Fucking hell they'll have a whole fucking alphabet to pick sexual orientation from soon 🙄

That's why GRSM - Gender, romantic and sexual minorities are coming into more common usage to replace LGBTQ++++.

Why does it need a bloody stupid label like Demi sexual? That's just getting to know someone. Ffs.

I'd been friends with DH a year before I had enough alcohol to trigger a "phoar" reaction. It turned out that we still liked each other when sober. Just as well as it was a bloody long time ago, and a good enough call that we've never needed to go elsewhere since.

If I had to create a pigeon hole my sexual identity, it would be "One-hit-wonder". Think shaddupa your face. Since having kids it's transitioned more to a "feck off, I'm touched out/ knackered" or a " Oh? Is it that time of the year already?"

There's probably a reason why women aren't creating all these sexual identities. Especially heterosexual ones, married with kids.

Also in todays v sexualised porn heavy society, maybe it was useful for young people to have a 'valid' excuse for not having sex immediately

I think this is precisely where the label has come from.

First time I came across it was someone parodying it on here a few years ago, in the style of "your teen comes out as demi sexual."

"Mum, I've got something to tell you. You know how much you've been looking forward to me becoming sexually active. I know how chatty you are, and you really fancied having a different young man to chat to every Sunday morning over breakfast, rather than the same boring old face every time. And all those rites of passage, like holding my hand first time I had to go to the GUM clinic. Well, I don't quite know how to break this to you... It isn't going to happen... [wrings knotted handkerchief clasped between hands because isn't sure how mum will take this bombshell] Mum, I'm demisexual. When I finally find someone, it'll be the same bloke every weekend."