Help. Highly Active 2 yr old and newborn

[Fal86]

Hi Everyone,

I recently gave birth to our second son and we already have a 2 yr old. My other half is stating a full on job next week and I’m at home alone with a new born and a very active high energy 2 year old and I can’t drive. I’m worried i can’t cope! Keen to here from anyone who has had a similar situation. I mean how do I get both down stairs in the morning. I’m feeling very overwhelmed.

I was in the same situation! Can you afford any nursery time?

A job doesn't mean he gets to duck out of parenting completely. What time will he be leaving?

Toddlers are usually very early risers anyway which worked well for us!!

My husband used to get the toddler dressed and give him his breakfast - or at least lay out the clothes and pack a little bag for him with spare clothes / snacks etc so that he was pretty much ready for the day before he left.

Then CBeebies for however long it takes you to get baby and you sorted.

Get prepped night before, lay out clothes, have everything baby needs in a basket in your room so after he first feed you can get them ready for the day. Pack the changing bag!

The toddler was also very good at 'entertaining' the baby if she was in her bouncer chair, she used to love watching her big brother jumping / singing etc whilst I got on with stuff.

Then go out.

As much as possible.

Research all the cheap tots groups eg church based playgroups, toy libraries, breastfeeding groups etc etc and maybe one or two paid for eg music / soft play sessions. Even just a walk maybe collecting 'treasure' in a Tupperware box or a scavenger hunt for eg red postbox, blue car, magpie etc

I built up a really good routine every week which kept us out of the house so house stayed relatively ok and toddler as always knackered for a decent afternoon nap.

A sling for baby was a godsend as could just strap her on and crack on with the toddler eg playing on the floor at playgroup, making lunch, dancing / singing along at music monkeys etc

Once I got into the swing of it, I loved that bit of parenting as it's fucking hard work but the sense of achievement at the end of each day with 2 small people still intact was amazing!

You'll be fine

A job doesn't mean he gets to duck out of parenting completely

God, only on mumsnet!

I found a stretchy sling a godsend. wore it all day and popped new born in and out as required.

Formerbabe
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* so do you think a job IS a reason to abandon all responsibility to your wife and children??

confused so do you think a job IS a reason to abandon all responsibility to your wife and children??

There is nothing in the post to indicate he's abandoning his responsibility.

So why the snarky 'god, only on Mumsnet' as if what I had suggested was sooooo ridiculous?

I read the OP as sounding like she feels she was solely responsible for solving this problem, so was reminding her that she can use her husband as part of the solution?

I used to get out of the house as much as possible, and used a sling for my second although I hadn't for my first. In summer its not too difficult to spend a lot of time outside.

Yes a sling and get out the house! If possible get a season ticket to anywhere that’s easy to get to-family farm/soft play/park etc. Baby will sleep lots in sling/buggy to start with (hopefully!!)

If her husband is at work, then it means for part of the say she'll be alone with her DC...that's perfectly normal whilst tough sometimes. It doesn't mean he's abandoning her during that time.

I have a similar age gap and think my son spent alot of time in the sling, bouncy chair which got carried around the house with me and his basket so he could sleep downstairs when I was busy with the toddler. Plus, most two year olds still sleep in the day. It's a long time ago now, but I think I used to stay downstairs as much as possible and get out to playgroups etc. As for coming downstairs, does your 2 year old need help with the stairs? I told you it had been a while! If so, either put baby in the sling or take one at a time and leave baby in the bouncer whilst you sort the toddler out.

In the early days, you might need to pre-prepare snacks and activities to help keep your toddler occupied while you feed your baby. This is especially true if you are breastfeeding your new baby for a long time. They might like to cuddle up to you or a favourite teddy while you feed the baby. Having an activity or a storybook handy can also be useful. That way your older child can sit next to you while you read stories to them or do a puzzle or other activity nearby.
Try to get some rest during the day when you can. Whether that’s by having a sit down and a cuppa at a toddler group or having a lie down when your toddler naps. If your toddler goes to a nursery or childminder, you might be able to rest with your baby for a while.
Take the pressure off yourself. You can't do everything by yourself. Do what you can and leave the rest for later or for others to do. Ask for help. Be specific and tell people what you need - meals, errands, cleaning etc...
Avoid spending too much time alone.
Join a support group. You’re on mn.... good start!
Babywearing was a godsend the second time round. Even around the house, I had my youngest in a sling a lot of the time, which left my hands free for looking after my toddler. I found slings a bit fiddly, but loved my sturdier, backpack-style carrier. I felt my LO was snug and secure, and it was so much easier to get everyone out of the house.
Oh, and if you're using public transport: ask for help! I found people rarely came forward, even when I was obviously struggling – but they were always happy to lend a hand if I asked.

I know it seems daunting but once you've done a few days, you will start to get your rhythm. Do you have a bouncer or Moses downstairs? Stair-gate in the two year olds bedroom door? Remember the baby can't escape, so I'd usually stick the baby somewhere safe then go and deal with the toddler. If the baby briefly cried, that's fine, it's not for long. You might find a sling helpful - I didn't use it that much (back issues).

Make a box of toys for the 2 year old to have out only when the baby is feeding or needs a nappy change etc. Try and get them involved by fetching wipes or whatever.

Do you have a garden where you can tire out the toddler?

I still used reigns on my two year old at this stage for some outings plus buggy board

Mainly went to see friends, the park or to toddler groups which were enough to entertain the toddler in a safe environment and usually other helpful parents there if I needed assistance. Personally found softplay too tricky on my own with a two year old and a new born (unless you can time it so the baby stays asleep in the pram if you need to go and rescue the toddler).

The one thing that always stood me in good stead was doing any jobs eg making lunch when there was a window of opportunity even if it wasn't quite the right time. Just do it when you can.

And do not feel guilt about using the TV more than you did before.

Good luck

Get a stretchy wrap sling for the newborn, mine was a lifesaver!

Tv or tablet for toddler whilst you're getting ready to go downstairs in the morning. Husband to get toddler dressed before work ideally! Bouncy chair in the bathroom for baby.

Get a sling and pop baby in - mine spent most time in there that he wasn't feeding.

Get out of house to "safe" places eg friends houses for toddler play dates, any playgrounds/soft play etc where your toddler is contained.

Enlist family and friends for support - makes a difference to have someone pop over for s few hours!

Lower your standards. Just aim to survive initially!

2.3 year gap here and my DS was (still is) very active. Do you have mum friends and toddler groups etc? That’s what saved me personally. Get out of the house to group/library/play date/park every morning. Baby usually slept in pram or sling and other adults about to give me a hand if needed. And I’ve held random babies in the park when a mum had to rescue her toddler. We’re all in this together! Back home for lunch and then nap for DS. Tv or garden or playing with toys etc in the afternoon.

Lower your standards! Your priority is making it through the day with you and the kids fed. Maybe doing a load of washing and unloading the dishwasher if it’s a good day. Easy meals for you and toddler. We ate a lot of toast! DH in charge of as much as possible when he’s not at work. Depends of course on his work hours, but mine would get my DS up, breakfasted and dressed while I had a longer lie in after being up all night with the baby. More tv and iPad was watched by my 2 year old than I’d prefer, but some days are just about survival.

Also I don’t know if it’s possible for you, but DS did a couple of mornings a week at nursery. That really gave me some head space

And one thing I learned was that I found it easiest to deal with the older child first. Baby just had to cry for 5 min while I made lunch and put on the tv for her brother. Or put him down for a nap or changed him. You feel bad, but you get used to it. Once I’d got DS settled, and also went to the loo and got myself a drink then I could sit and feed DD in peace. You need to try and take care of yourself too

Fortunately my 2yo was a Thomas/ Fireman Sam DVD addict. We temporarily increased his nursery hours for a few months too.

I ended up stuck in with an agonising 3rd degree tear which exacerbated SPD so wasn't fit to leave the house for the first month. MiL visited for weeks 3-4 to support. She did a lot of the domestic grind to relieve me. I began to venture out after a month... then we got hit with chicken pox... then baby got it too.
I did not get out much for 3, long, long, painful months.

Do what you have to do to survive. Don't sweat the small stuff, and some days will be better than others. Prioritise the child with greater need for the moment. I found DM's mantra of if you can hear baby crying, you know they're alive to be reassuring. Waiting for a minute or two while you tend to a sibling, or finish a wee is not going to cause baby any attachment/ emotional problems. If there is anyone you can invite over who will muck in, get them round. I've had phone calls from friends who were struggling to get going for the day and couldn't solve problem A because baby wouldn't be consoled long enough to get them into gear to be able to go out and solve the problem. Being able to do an errand for them managed to restart them and turn the day around.

Getting out in the garden is good. Soft play when you're more mobile. Pick your playgrounds carefully... going to the big one in town on a busy day was an educational error... Activities were more awkward with two age groups, the children's centre was good although this was a few years back now and my walking distance one has gone.

When I felt human again, I put a timer onto the TV so it would shut off and cure DS1 of the DVD addiction. His minecraft addiction is now at a healthy level for a child of his age. Both children have emerged remarkably well from that phase of life