Can't get this out of my head (content may be upsetting)

[Dieu]

Hi all. I'm feeling a bit distressed about something, and it's been on my mind all day, leaving me anxious and close to tears at points.
I would say I'm a reasonably resilient person; I'm on my own with 3 kids and have an ex husband who can be difficult to deal with. I work full-time and have a non-existent love life (despite my efforts . Life is good, but not always necessarily rosy.
I don't even know why I'm posting this, as I'm unsure as to what you're supposed to say. Maybe I just want to vent a bit.
I've always had a soft spot for animals, especially as a kid. To this day, I've never been able to watch Dumbo! I wouldn't say my love of animals is extreme, but I like them generally, and would never do one any harm. Same as most normal people really.
Last night, my 13 year old was supposed to hand her phone over to me at 9pm, but she snuck it into the bath. There she watched a programme about undercover reporters who worked on a dairy farm.
I knew dairy farming was a brutal business, but she witnessed some abject cruelty during the programme. She then wanted to talk to me about it, as she's not emotionally mature enough to deal with what she saw. This included a worker stamping on a calf's head, because it wouldn't feed.
We talked it all through, and discussed the kind of person who would be able to do such a thing. She has also just become vegan!
Thing is, in absorbing some of my daughter's distress, I've had this intrusive thought (about what happened, even though I didn't see it) going round in my head all fucking day. I cannot believe someone would be capable of this. Well, I do believe it, but you know what I mean.
When I saw the recent photo of the two gay girls who'd been attacked on a London bus, I felt upset, angry and saddened for them. But the thought passed and I didn't dwell on it at all.
This one is completely different and has got really under my skin. A part of me wishes that my daughter had never told me , but talking to her about it seemed like the emotionally sensible and healthy thing to do.
I guess what I want to ask is, is it normal to keep thinking about this? Like a kid, I just want it to pass! And I know it will, but in the meantime, I just feel so desperately fucking sad.

Ime feeling a bit guilty at bringing dc into our bloody shitty world is normal at times. That report of the dairy calves being abused was horrific op.
Read it recently and it has stuck.

Oh, and please, no more stories about animal cruelty. I wouldn't be able to hack it right now. Thanks.

I personally think this is normal. I inadvetanly saw some cruelty to dogs that had been posted on Instagram before they took it down, and I couldn't get it out of my head for days after, this was months ago and I am still distressed about what I saw and have to force myself not to think about it or it would drive me to tears.

Aah, did you see it too Walk? I didn't, and it has still stuck.

Thank you. My mum gets really annoyed with me at times, as she's vegan and really into animal issues. I just find it so bloody hard to talk about. I'd be able to discuss anything else at all, but just not this. I know it's good to be aware, but Jesus ... I guess we all have our 'thing'. And the thought of someone abusing a defenceless baby animal - who let's face it has a shit life ahead - honestly pushes me to the edge.

Do you think you are dwelling on this because the animal is so defenseless and can't tell anyone or try to get help? I feel the same as you when I hear about animal cruelty, child abuse, abuse of people with disabilities, abuse of the elderly. I think about stories I've heard for forever more. They really seem to scar into my brain and they pop up often and Ifeel overwhelming sadness, but I don't feel like that when I hear about terrible things happening to adults. I feel sad and I cry sometimes and I'll think about it for a while but they don't play on my mind anywhere near as much. I think it's because I veiw the latter as less vulnerable.

You're absolutely right there, Drogo. But the fact is, nothing else has affected me quite as much as this. I love children, and work with vulnerable kids, but this has left me floored. More so than other forms of abuse (distressing as they are).

I have seen the video your dd watched, its not nice at all. I can completely understand why your dd was distressed and in turn why you are.

Sometimes I feel ashamed these people are of the same species as me. Luckily their boss also saw the footage and the ones who didn't resign were sacked... Hopefully prosecuted and won't ever work with animals again.

It's the callousness of it that I find distressing. People who gain some kind of pleasure from harming others, whether it's people or animals.

They're so far removed from what I am that I can't quite compute it.

People kept tagging me in stories about the latest horrendous abuse case in a residential setting (young adults with disabilities) and it broke me because I'd deliberately avoided it. I work in such a setting and cannot see how it could happen unless everyone was like that. Which is horrific.

I hate that people get a kick out of causing harm, and I will never, never understand it.

It sounds like you dealt with it with your DD perfectly though!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say it is not entirely OK for you to not be able to move on from you thoughts. Yes it was horrible, yes it was life changingly horrible, BUT what struck me about your post was your use of the word "intrusive". Negative thoughts are normal and commonplace but are usually transient and you can function normally, when thoughts become actually "intrusive" it stops you from being able to function normally.

Are these thoughts stopping you from focusing on work, your child, sleep, eating etc. If the answer is yes and over a sustained period.... A day or two then I would consider the other stress factors in your life and look at what else is going on for you.