He's slowly breaking my heart - should I ask him whether he wants to stay?

[HanaJ]

I've been with my boyfriend over four years now and have a child from a previous relationship, my Childs dad has never been in the picture (mainly due to DV and he didn't want to be a dad) and my current partner stepped into the role from her being six months old. My partner moved in almost a year ago, however we barely spend any time together now. He is either out in the evenings or most weekends, or in the office upstairs on the computer. When we first got together he was so excited and couldn't wait for us all to be a family, and even asked if I'd be willing to have more children in the future as he wanted a large family. I was absolutely thrilled and took things slow at first just to be cautious but every once in awhile it's still remind me that he'd like to start a family in the future. As he had not mentioned it in awhile and I was looking at getting rid of some of my daughters clothes, I sat him down and asked him honestly if you'd still like to have children in the future and his answer was no. I was absolutely devastated as I've had my heart set on having a Big family. A few months since that conversation have passed and we barely see him or spend time with him as he prefers to be out with his friends. I really don't know what to do, I feel like I'm on my own as he doesn't return until late at night or doesn't speak to me at all in the evening. I do all the jobs as well as going to work five days a week and the school run as well as everything else in the house - this evening includes doing all of his washing his tidying and sorting out his things to. I'm at my wits end and just feel trapped in a relationship where I can't see a future. I want to sit down and talk to him about it but I don't know what to say - please help?!

I think you know in your heart this isn't working and you need to ask him to leave

It will be really hard but from the sounds of it he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship

Sorry you are in this situation. There are lots of mumsnetters who have been but made the decision to end it and have found a much better life after.

You deserve happiness - and he's not making/going to make you happy

Oh love, you sound so sad. How would he respond if you said you'd like him to be home for supper on a particular night and set out how he makes you feel now? Try writing down what you want to say to him first so you have it straight in your head before you start. You know this isn't working any more. Courage

Rather than asking him whether he wants to stay or not, decide what YOU want.

It doesn't seem that you get anything out of the relationship at all - you work FT, do everything around the house, look after your DD and you are ignored by him evenings and weekends. That doesn't sound like a relationship. What's made you stay up until this point? You don't see a future, so is it just habit, or not wanting to face the upheaval of splitting up?

You deserve to be in a relationship where you are loved, valued and supported. You deserve to be happy.

It's called a cocklodger.
You need to tell him to leave.

I see no benefit to having a conversation. He is telling you very clearly by his behaviour that this relationship is over. Tell him he's leaving and then get on with your life. Time's ticking.

Hello Hana.

Before speak to your partner I'd recommend getting your finances sorted out so you know how you'd cope if/when you separate.

Would you be able to keep the house on alone? If not do some research into property/accommodation elsewhere. How much are your finances combined eg savings, joint account etc. and consider the steps needed to untangling them.

Sounds like you are doing all the childcare now - anything more you need to do regarding that? In the meantime do step back from doing everything at home- he needs to do some of the chores as well - starting with his own laundry, for example.

Additionally be clear in your own mind what you want to say to him and the end result. If it is separation then start with separate bedrooms - is there enough space in his office for him to sleep there if you don't have another room?

Whatever is decided you will be hurt but focusing on the practical will also help you get through it. Good luck to you. 🌹

I do all the jobs as well as going to work five days a week and the school run as well as everything else in the house - this evening includes doing all of his washing his tidying and sorting out his things to.

Firstly STOP doing his washing. Why the hell would you do that when he can't even be arsed to talk to you or spend time with you?

You sound so sad, but in reality this man is treating you appallingly and totally taking the piss. Please get angry and ask him to leave.