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Original poster

Gran smacked DS

44 replies

Peachsummer · 13/06/2019 13:21

DS 16mo has started biting when he doesn’t get his own way. I’ve been yelling Ow! so he knows he’s hurt me, and saying NO that’s naughty, we don’t bite! DS knows I’m annoyed because he cries when I tell him off.

This morning he bit my DM and she smacked his bottom. To say I’m furious is an understatement. He cried hysterically and when I comforted him DM told me off for “petting” him after he’s been naughty.

I told DM in no uncertain terms that she is not to smack my child. At first she tried to insist that you can’t call that a smack, it wasn’t hard and it didn’t even hurt. I persisted in saying it’s unacceptable so then DM switched to saying You just let DS do whatever he wants and it’s ridiculous, he’s going to grow up naughty, this is the problem with the world nowadays, I might as well go home because you’re just being nasty to me and I’m clearly not wanted.

I rely on DM for childcare and truthfully couldn’t afford to pay someone if she wasn’t available. But now I’m worried she’s hitting DS when I’m not there.

OP posts:

crustycrab · 13/06/2019 17:00

"I had an interesting convo a while with my mum about me breastfeeding my D.C. which ended up with her almost apologising for formula-feeding me, saying that’s what they were told to do at the time"

You guilt tripped your mum for feeding you? How lovely

Teddybear45 · 13/06/2019 17:05

Toddler bites hurt. It’s all well and good you telling your DS not to bite but it’s clearly not working and this sounds like an end of the tether smacking. Your DS is clearly not at the stage where he can be around other people - you need to sort his biting out. If he were at nursery and biting staff / kids you would be asked to take him home so this isn’t acceptable.

Purpleartichoke · 13/06/2019 17:08

She assaulted a toddler. You absolutely can not allow her unsupervised time with your child. She can not provide child care. You are going to have to find a different arrangement immediately.

Jbonesmumma1 · 13/06/2019 17:13

OMG OP! I would be FURIOUS! That's so unfair on your little one. It is such an awkward situation as obviously you need the help but you don't want this to carry on when your not around and there really is no guarantee that she won't do it again (even if she says she won't) when your not there?!

It's very challenging with 'the older generation'. Sorry to use that phrase. My dad actually said to me, 'crying is good for a babies lungs' and 'they need to learn who is boss' ... my baby is ten months I mean we obviously turned out okay, and I'm guessing you must of been smacked also? Soooooo it's a tough call. Are you willing to take the risk?

Millie2018 · 13/06/2019 17:14

Maybe he bit her because she smacks him...
Seriously though, for her to do it in front of you leaves me in no doubt that wasn’t the first time.
He’s 16 months, still a baba. You need to put his welfare before free childcare, as tough as that is.
You cannot trust her not to smack him again, she’s told you that.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 13/06/2019 17:26

This is hard for you - horrible situation.
One thing I would say is that there does tend to be a generational gap on the "idea" of smacking. My parents smacked us when we were little - it didn't do us any harm but it wasn't viewed in the same way back in those days as it is now.
I'd say you could educate you DM with the literature around other parenting techniques.

Original poster

Peachsummer · 13/06/2019 17:36

Your DS is clearly not at the stage where he can be around other people - you need to sort his biting out
It’s all well and good saying that, but how do you stop a toddler biting? Other than saying NO and making it obvious you’re displeased.

OP posts:

Piffpaffpoff · 13/06/2019 17:41

Oh goodness no @crustycrab, I absolutely didn’t guilt trip her. We were just chatting about feeding as I was having a difficult, sore time but was dead set on continuing and out of nowhere she just started talking about how it just wasn’t done in her day (early 1970s) and not actually apologising but sort of justifying why my siblings and I were bottle fed. I was quite heartbroken for her actually as she’s a brilliant mum and she was reflecting on a choice she made 40 years previously that in reality probably wasn’t a choice, it was just what they were told to do.

But thanks for guilt tripping me into coming back and explaining myself. How lovely.

Original poster

Peachsummer · 13/06/2019 17:46

It's very challenging with 'the older generation'
I do think this is a factor. She’s 70 and smacked her own DC including me in the 1970s and 80s. Certainly she would have been smacked herself and was caned at school. Aged 6 she was arrested and put on six months probation for sneaking in the back of the bakery and eating a cake, and the older friend she was with was put in a home. So I guess she has a very harsh view of discipline and thinks a “tap on the bum” is nothing.

OP posts:

thirdfiddle · 13/06/2019 17:54

Aw piffpaff, your mum's spot on isn't she. We all do what's best for our kids based on the best advice available at the time. What your mum gets, and my parents and MIL get, but OP's mum doesn't seem to get is that the advice has changed. It's not a judgement on her parenting if you decide to do things differently to how she did. Christ, when we were little babies were slept on their fronts, never fed milk more than once every 3 hours, weaned at 12 weeks and transported in a carry cot loose on the back seat of the car. Smacking toddlers and older kids used to be considered a good way to teach them, now it's not seen as good practice. Times change.

RedSkyLastNight · 13/06/2019 17:59

If she smacked you and your siblings and refuses to promise not to smack your DS again, you can't possibly leave your DS with her, however hard that makes it for you. Would you leave him with a childminder who hit him? I'm guessing not.

Piffpaffpoff · 13/06/2019 18:03

Exactly Thirdfiddle. I was, in fact, put on the parcel shelf of the car in my carrycot, with my three siblings jumping around on the back seat. Imagine suggesting that now! 🤣

Jbonesmumma1 · 13/06/2019 18:05

@Peachsummer yes, from that sort of background it's probably very hard for her to see why a 'tap on the bum' is inappropriate. It is a challenge (from my experience) older generation always seem to use the phrase, 'well you turned out okay didn't you?' ... to justify out of date parenting styles.

My Dad actually said to me when I complained of being woken all night long by DS... 'just shut the door and don't go back in until the morning' I genuinely don't know how kids arn't totally fucked up from our parents generation.

Do you think if you really gently explained to her that you know it was very different when she had children but you would be so grateful if she supported your discipline style... or is she pretty much saying no smacking no watching DC?! She may cool down in a few days OP... you never know!

GinoPlaysTheTango · 13/06/2019 18:13

Yes, very weird and aggressive comment there from crustycrab .

Galaxygirl93 · 13/06/2019 18:17

How often does she look after him and for how long? I think at 70 she may have difficulties looking after a growing toddler x

LunaLovesgood · 13/06/2019 18:18

@Teddybear45 that is absolutely not true. A baby of that age biting is not even a little bit remarkable. I've worked in childcare my entire working life (except a brief stint in logistics ) and babies/toddlers biting is so so so common.

It's not pleasant by all accounts but every single practitioner will have dealt with it before and understand that it's a phase. The way OP is dealing with it is a great way to go as her LO is learning that they are hurting. They would not be asked to leave over it l.

zippey · 13/06/2019 18:18

16 months is a bit young for smacking I’d say. I’m not a fan of smacking but I think parents should have the right to smack when appropriate to do so.

You making a big fuss will hopefully have made her see that you don’t approve. I would keep an eye on things and as long as nothing else happens, go on with the previous arrangement.

Tinkerbell89 · 13/06/2019 18:28

I would find alternative childcare, it's unlikely to be the first time she's done this. Technically it's assault & she could be prosecuted by police if you reported her. I would've trust her with my child if she did it infront of you, what happens behind closed doors? Your child, your rules but does it look like she'll respect your wishes?

BarryTheKestrel · 13/06/2019 18:34

My DM looks after my DD once a week and has done since she was 9 months old. At around 3, my DM picked me up from work and immediately started crying in the car, I thought someone had died, she told me that my DD had pushed her to her limits and she had smacked her. I was obviously upset by this but my dms reaction was what told me I didn't need to enforce it, it would never ever happen again because she felt so awful and guilty about it, enough to feel that she had to come and fetch me from work and could hardly tell me through her tears.

I think your dm's reaction is telling here. Either she believes she is entirely in the right and is defending her actions to the point you need to find new childcare or she is reacting in defense of your reaction and will see the error of her ways, apologise and make promises that it will never happen again as soon as she's calmed down.

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