Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Partner and porn

18 replies

Mumofabeauty123 · 12/06/2019 10:10

Morning all I am new on here but was just wondering what you all think of your other half watching porn and “sorting himself out”. I found porn on my partners phone and he works different shifts so I’m not quite sure when he’s watching it. The problem is I have a very high sex drive a lot higher than what he does. I just can’t understand when he can have it off me at anytime why would he watch porn? I have become so paranoid about it that I think every time he is alone he will be “sorting himself out”. (I don’t think he is but I can’t stop thinking it). Sorry to go on.

OP posts:
Whyhaveidonethis · 12/06/2019 10:13

Men like porn. It's different from sex. Does it matter if he "sorts himself out" if he gets horny when you are at work? What is it that upsets you about this? Have you discussed it with him?

Also why were you going through his phone?

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 12/06/2019 10:13

Have you spoken to him about it and how insecure it is making you feel? He may be able to tell you why and also how often he 'indulges'

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 12/06/2019 10:15

And welcome to MNFlowers

Beware though as well as the best support ever, you can also get tough responses at times. PersevereGrin

Original poster
Mumofabeauty123 · 12/06/2019 10:26

He asked me to look for something on the internet on his phone and came across it. I know he thought he had deleted it.

I have told him and he's assured me that he won't be watching it but I can't stop been paranoid.

It's not the watching it so much it's why when we are newly engaged and not been together long would you need to when we are together most of the time barring work and he doesn't try it on with me. Xxx

OP posts:
Whyhaveidonethis · 12/06/2019 10:54

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook I take it your comment was aimed at me? Not really sure why you felt it was unsupportive? I asked if she had spoken to him about it and why she was bothered? Genuine questions.

@Mumofabeauty123 in my experience, with men porn is different to sex. It's not about not wanting you.

Do you believe him, that he's not going to watch it anymore? If you don't know why he watched it in the first place how do you know that the reason won't apply still?

Why does it matter that he watches porn? I think you need to think about why it upsets you so you can have a proper discussion about it.

Original poster
Mumofabeauty123 · 12/06/2019 10:58

I think the reason I'm so bothered about it is the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him. I'm thinking making sorting himself out sometimes is easier as he is too tired to entertain me. But even then he knows I don't mind sorting him out I'm not a selfish person at all far from it in fact. I just can't seem to get my head around it I know it's stupid. Xxx

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 12/06/2019 11:19

Whyhaveidonethis It wasn't directed at anybody. Nothing at all objectionable about your post. It was about the perils of MN in general. Just heading up a newbie.

But based on your response you clearly have an understanding of what I'm talking about!WinkGrin

Whyhaveidonethis · 12/06/2019 11:27

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook given I was the only person who commented it didn't take much deduction!

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 12/06/2019 13:49

I think several things are important to take into consideration:

How often do you both have sex? Is it regularly, are you both satisfied afterwards? Do you both like the same things? Are there any performance issues? Does he ever reject your advances? If so how often?

Secondly, How often is he actually using porn?

If the answer to the former questions is more or less everything good, and the second is just now and again (a couple of times a month) then I would say you have no need to worry about it.

But when you have a higher sex drive than your partner it is natural to feel a bit rejected at times. You crave more intimacy but the other person needs less. So you feel the porn watching is a rejection

Realise that (both men and women) don't tend to watch porn because they miss the emotional closeness necessarily. It's about the thrill of sex based on pure objectification. It's about fantasy and nothing to do with how attractive or sexy you are.

If it was often he's watching porn, that's a different kettle of fish.

Original poster
Mumofabeauty123 · 12/06/2019 15:43

We do have sex regularly not quite as often as I would like but hey ho. He rejects me only when he says he's tired too be honest. He is definitely satisfied after sex I know that for sure.

I think he just watches it when he's bored and got nothing else to watch. Not all the time or maybe at work when he literally has nothing to do.

Do you really think I have nothing to worry about Hmm xxxx

OP posts:
Deathgrip · 12/06/2019 15:56

I’ve posted many times about my experiences of a relationship with a porn addict. Porn may be no big deal in some cases, in others it’s extremely destructive and unhealthy.

The first consideration is whether he still watches it despite knowing how much it upsets you. If so, why does he find it so difficult not to watch it? You’ll have some people who’ll tell you you’re being controlling and that he can masturbate whenever he wants... yes he can, but it’s perfectly possible to masturbate without porn.

In terms of whether it’s concerning, I’d be considering:

  • is he choosing to watch porn rather than have sex with you?
  • if you ask him not to watch it, does he stop?
  • does he change plans / make excuses so that he can stay at home alone?
  • is he struggling with erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, inability to ejaculate from anything other than masturbating?
  • is he less interested in sex with you than he used to be?
  • are his sexual interests becoming more aggressive, degrading etc?
  • is he coercing you into sex acts you don’t want to do?

If no, then it’s not necessarily a problem for him, but that still doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it.

Deathgrip · 12/06/2019 15:57

Also, if he’s watching it at work, then he’s either masturbating at work, or he’s watching it even when not masturbating, neither of which is good.

Bluestitch · 12/06/2019 15:59

I think he just watches it when he's bored and got nothing else to watch. Not all the time or maybe at work when he literally has nothing to do.

Where does he work that he could watch porn?!

Confusedbeetle · 12/06/2019 16:05

watching porn has been said to reduce mens ability to enjoy normal sex. Personally, I find it repulsive as it demeans everyone. The thought that men enjoy these extremes depresses me. What is wrong with healthy normal sex?

steakandcakes · 12/06/2019 16:28

Is it more the fact its him getting horny over other women? Rather than his wanking?

Original poster
Mumofabeauty123 · 12/06/2019 17:58

He works where he can literally go sit in the toilet for an hour if there not busy and lets be honest if your turned on it can take minutes to have a wank.

It's just more the fact that I want it to be me that turns him on or me that when he comes home from work he tells me he can't wait to have sex with me or just be as sexually attracted to me as I am him.

I know this sounds really petty and I know men have fantasies but I just want him to want me and only me. I want to be the to turn him on.

I lost my husband 3 years ago to cancer he was 31me 30 we were together 18 years so this is all new to me but my husband couldn't get enough of me and now I am conscious that I'm not enough for my new partner. Xxx

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 12/06/2019 21:12

I lost my husband 3 years ago to cancer he was 31me 30 we were together 18 years so this is all new to me but my husband couldn't get enough of me and now I am conscious that I'm not enough for my new partner. Xxx

So sorry for your lossFlowers

Of course if you are comparing this to your former relationship where you felt desired all the time, then you would feel insecure.

I genuinely don't think you ought to be overly worried. But hey, that's my assessment. If this is truly bothering you you must tell him how it makes you feel. If he does not stop after this then for you this may be a dealbreaker. And that would be perfectly legitimate. I get the feeling you feel this is basically infidelity and if that's how you feel and you can't change it and he doesn't stop, then it won't go away.

If you need something closer to what you had in the past then maybe end this. Your peace of mind is priceless.xx

Original poster
Mumofabeauty123 · 13/06/2019 08:59

I guess I just need to not go on his phone when he asks me too and stop looking for signs that he is watching porn. I have told how it makes me feel and he assured me that he won't be watching it I guess all I can do is take his word for it. Xx

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.