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My 28 year old DD going round in circles never learning

20 replies

marcus2000 · 11/06/2019 21:46

My DD is the only one of our DC that is unhappy and keeps making the same mistakes over and over. she cannot hold down a job - which is always the fault of the twats she works with. She repeatedly phones moaning about her boyfriend(s)' behaviour. But the bottom line is that she is using them, sponging off them to avoid working. And eventually they catch on and begin to question the endless excuses for not working. Her health issues are invented and her lies are so badly constructed that you would need to be an idiot not to see through them. On top of this she is a drama queen who manufactures arguments and then contradicts herself every few sentences. We have bailed her out financially several times - she owes all the family money but never repays even if she has the resources to do so. She goes in circles - endless complaints about her current partner followed by a split from him whereby either we or her siblings pitch up to move all her stuff out of his flat. Then after bad mouthing him for a few weeks she decides that it was as much her fault as his and goes back to him. All is quiet for a bit then the cycle continues. We have tried talking to her but to no avail - still hours on the phone every few weeks moaning about him/his family/why it is not her fault she can't hold down a job. It is infuriating. And boring. Any ideas on how to break the cycle?

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 11/06/2019 21:48

Stop bailing her out.

marcus2000 · 11/06/2019 21:55

Right - we have done that. We don't lend/give her money. She can live in the family home if she needs to as that is in the middle of nowhere so we know this is not what she wants. The last time she did move home - for a bit. Now she is back with boyfriend. And we are just waiting for the pone calls to start again. Do you think it unkind/unfair to tell her she is welcome to call but we will not listen to her moaning any more?

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HollowTalk · 11/06/2019 22:00

She's reaching an age where she should have learned. The only thing to do is to cut the phone call short whenever she moans about her boyfriend, but keep talking if she's not talking daft.

Would it work if you sort of staged an intervention - you and her dad? Sit her down and say "You owe X, Y and Z. You're on your tenth job. You always blame everyone else. You blame your boyfriend and have a big drama and then say it was your fault too and you're going back. You are acting like a teenager but you're nearly 30. It's time to grow up."

If she went off and sulked then she'd have no-one to complain to as they'd agree with you.

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marcus2000 · 11/06/2019 22:24

Hollow Talk I think you are probably right. The thing is she is fragile and we are scared of pushing her over the edge. She has no friends and her siblings are pretty cheesed off - and also "giving it to her straight". Although we are really frustrated with her we also love her and as so many have turned their backs on her we are reluctant to do anything that looks the same. She has been referred for counselling - again. Maybe this time it will "take".

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BillywilliamV · 11/06/2019 22:31

How many siblings and where in the family is she?

Nitpickpicnic · 11/06/2019 22:54

Pool what’s left of the family’s goodwill and buy her some therapy sessions?

Sounds like she needs some serious time with the Mirror of Truth, and no one really listens to their parents a that age, surely?

PavlovaFaith · 11/06/2019 22:58

Wow she needs a reality check. It sounds like one of two things from the outset - although I appreciate it's impossible to say when you don't know someone.
Thought 1 - she's used to everyone in life picking up after her and she's never had to do a thing for herself.
Thought 2 - could she possibly be autistic/on the spectrum? The "no friends" is a bit unusual and an inability to hold down a job or relationship seems to ring alarm bells. And you say that previous counselling hasn't "taken".
Thought 3 - NPD? Similar to previous thought. I went through some of it with a friend and there are some similarities. Counselling would have very little effect on someone with NPD.

PavlovaFaith · 11/06/2019 22:59

I added a third for good measure it seems.

rollingpine · 11/06/2019 23:13

In what way is she fragile?

pupp · 11/06/2019 23:42

I had a toxic friend like this. All her family were a 'nightmare' boyfriends didn't treat her well but it was always dramatic. Her Other friends were forever turning into bridezillas or selfish...Work mates were always horrible...It was only when she turned on me I realised that her one sided account of things was very skewed. I overlooked so many lies and friend 'red flags' partly because I felt sorry for her and partly because when she was 'on' she was great fun to be around. As far as I hear she still has a very drama filled life...

Obviously different to have a relative like this, not as easy to walk away but I do think you need to take a bit of a step back otherwise the spiral just keeps going. The hurt my former friend caused her family makes me cringe now because as a mother myself I can see they were just looking out for her and not just interfering as she claimed (and I agreed with her based on her version of events)

Really hope the counselling helps your daughter Thanks

marcus2000 · 11/06/2019 23:50

She has been referred for counselling and is waiting for it to come through. What is NPD? She is 7th out of 7 children - and the youngest of 4 adopted. She is generous - she would give you the shirt off her back. But only for that day. Tomorrows she does not do. She is very pretty and so in the past has never wanted for male admirers. However, as time passes men tend to want more than a pretty face. She is our daughter and we love her - and there is a lot to love. In some ways she is the most loving and giving of our children. But she lies and steals. She is looking for the "door into summer". That is to say she is looking for something she can say that will make everything alright. Something she can say to get everything she wants without putting in the graft. A quick fix. An excuse that will allow her to escape the consequences of her actions. And when she is exposed, when her lies are thrust into glaring light she is distraught. Her tears and misery are real and she is frantic as she casts about for still more lies and evasions. And when faced with the truth she will accept it and be so sad and remorseful - for a while. Then the denial sets in - and after that the past is adjusted to fit her victim profile. Maybe our role is to be the one constant - that we know what she is like and yet still love her.
But the latest is that she wants children - and that way lies certain madness and the ghastly prospect of being torn between their interests and hers.

OP posts:
marcus2000 · 11/06/2019 23:52

Thank you Pupp - you seem to really grasp the issues

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marcus2000 · 11/06/2019 23:56

You may be right pavlova - and I recent;y read the "Psychopath Test" and the only trait she was missing was arson

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CallMeRachel · 11/06/2019 23:56

I don't think this is something you can fix tbh. It sounds highly likely she has BPD or similar, she really should be referred as by her age she should be more settled in herself.

What age was she adopted and has she been through trauma? Was she in care? Do you know anything about the MH of her birth parents?

pupp · 11/06/2019 23:59

That is eerie you are describing my friend perfectly - right down to the generosity but when I look back it was often self serving generosity (tickets for something she wanted to do) or quite grandiose and attention seeking

The reaction to being caught out on a lie is so similar too. Plus the lies were constant. Sometimes big, sometimes ridiculously small I'd think why lie? Her most used phrase was 'I just told them this because X' sounds better than I lied I suppose...

It really is uncanny though. It must be a personality type/disorder.

Chocmallows · 12/06/2019 00:00

Stop trying to fix her and ask her what she wants in a year's time and how she'll get there. Look at coaching advice to ask the right questions to get her visualising a different life.

marcus2000 · 12/06/2019 00:02

She was 3 years when adopted from foster care. The parents were professional paedophiles and she was taken into care soon after birth - though her siblings were 5 and 8 years at the time of our adoption and have since made huge strides and are successful people in steady healthy relationships

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 12/06/2019 00:09

Have you told her everything's not about her?

I understand, I have a family member who is a bit like this and it's maddening.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2019 16:45

She doesn't actually appear to be fragile. She has you all dancing to her tune.

It does sound as though she has serious mental health problems. I doubt an ordinary counsellor would be much use here; I would have thought she could manipulate them quite quickly.

You have to safeguard yourselves. You're right not to lend her money. You all know she's a liar so you know not to believe her if she ups the ante and says something outrageous. If she has a child that'll be a much bigger issue, of course.

Did she bond with her foster carer? Did she have more than one?

PavlovaFaith · 12/06/2019 21:25

@marcus2000
That explains so much. Autism and other conditions have been historically diagnosed in error when the actual problem is trauma-related. Unfortunately the underlying problems stem from needs not being met at an incredibly basic level at the youngest of ages. It affects a persons ability to self-regulate and manage all aspects of their life.
The solution is a mixture of high warmth and high boundaries.

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