Party etiquette for young teens / help for ancient parent!

[BigRedDoor]

Help! DS Is 14 (yr9) and the house parties have now started. He’s never been to one, it’s a long time since I was a teen playing spin the bottle in someone’s basement ... is there anything I should I do / know?

In particular should I contact the parents to ask about drink and supervision, or is that too overbearing?

It’s someone in his class, they are nice kids in general, I will be driving him and picking him up, there are times for start and end and the invitation gives the parent’s mobile no. So it all seems fine.

I will be having a chat with him about sex and drink and drugs. I think they are too young for the latter to be an issue. I am sure there will be drink whether provided or smuggled in. As for sex, he has a long term girlfriend but they never usually get much chance to spend time together out of school ... gulp. He is going to be mortified when we have this chat!

Any wise words much appreciated!

My ds has been to a few and tbh I had no involvement at all apart from dropping and collecting him.

At this age I think it's not the "done thing"
to contact the parents, the kids sort the arrangements out themselves and you have the number if any issues/problems.

Ok that’s good to hear.

Does anyone else feel differently?

I agree, once they are teens you wouldn't normally expect to have met or spoken to the 'party parents' beforehand. When they are early teens it seems reasonable to know whose house it is at, that the parents will be there and to have a contact number in case of emergencies, but in a few years you probably won't even have that!

Definitely fine to set boundaries around picking them up at a certain time and set expectations around drink etc. - and if you have good reason to think there won't be parental supervision or inappropriate drinking etc. to say no to that particular party- but obviously if you do that too often you risk him starting to lie to you or other sneaky behaviour so I'd pick your battles and take more of the attitude that you want to educate and enable him to make good choices in bad situations, rather than avoid any risk of the bad situation ever happening, if you see what I mean?

One really good thing I've heard of parents doing is give their teens a 'free pass' call, so if they are uncomfortable, in trouble or need to be picked up, at any time, no matter how they got into the situation, they know they can call a parent and will be taken home, no questions (immediately) asked. It doesn't mean the situation won't be discussed in the morning or there'll be no consequences, but it stops that situation where teen has got themselves into difficulty and is too scared to ask to be 'rescued' because they've been drinking/have taken drugs/lied about who they were with or whatever...

I would suggest that he's definitely not too young for drink and drugs to be an issue - some of the things I've heard from my 13 and 15 year old makes my hair stand on end. It's certainly added to my grey hair quotient. . .

As for sex - definitely time for a chat about STD's, contraception (always using a condom, and preferably another form of contraception for the young woman), about consent, and about the fact that no-one should do anything they're not comfortable doing, or doing for the right reasons (and that's for males and females).

A reminder that all he needs to do is send a text and you'll come get him, no questions asked. (Deli belly is always a good cop out). If he gets pissed or drugged, then you'll come get him, and you won't be wanting to discuss it until he's fully compos mentis again. I'd far rather my kid was barfing over our loo, with me to put them in the recovery position and watch over them and make sure they don't choke in their sleep, than not.

Thanks all - and that’s a great idea about the free pass phone call.

Defo the free pass phone call and a key word that he can text you so that you know he wants collecting, then you can ring the parents and say theres been a family emergency and you need to come get him, that gives him an out without looking like a wuss to his mates.