Do you tell your dc off in public? Should I?

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

I just read a comment on another thread along the lines of “if they shout at their kids in public, who knows what goes on behind closed doors” and it got me thinking. DH has pulled me up several times for telling the dc off in public, citing that everyone can hear/ it draws attention and looks bad. I speak to them in exactly the same way whether at home or elsewhere (not shouting -unless panicked by exceptionally bad/ risky behaviour- but in my stern, slightly clipped “mum voice”.) My thinking is that bad behaviour needs addressing, and if I don’t suit there and then it’ll continue. I feel like if my reaction is appropriate, it’s appropriate (and if it was over the top it’d be over the top, regardless of if there’s an audience). I wouldn’t speak to my kids in private in a way I’d be ashamed of in public. I feel it’s important to be consistent. Is it just me? Am I doing this wrong? Is it impolite to tell dc off in public? Does waiting until you get home work?

Just read that back: mum voice is for discipline, not regular conversation.

How old are they? I think if they are under five there is no point in waiting until you get home - they won’t remember and the telling off will just seem random rather than related to the misbehaviour.

Fifteen year olds, definitely wait until you get home unless you are intentionally going for public humiliation (which you might, depending on what they are doing. Showing teenagers up in front of their mates is very effective).

5-15yo it depends, I think. But shouting “Arya! Stop throwing stones!” looks like much better parenting than doing nothing while darling little Arya injures pigeons/damages property. You probably want to avoid swearing at them unless you want to look like a fishwife.

I think most people would judge more if you ignored bad behaviour and let your children run riot in public versus telling them off in a stern non shouty voice.

Telling them off later only works if it’s not that bad and the behaviour doesn’t need to stop immediately AND if they’re old enough actually to understand when you talk about it later.

It sounds like you and your DH possibly disagree on what actually warrants a telling off.

I think it also depends on the language and tone you use - there is 'telling off for bad behaviour ' and 'absolutely giving them a load of verbal abuse'.
I would judge a parent ignoring bad behaviour (ie not even trying to deal with it at all - I have a number of friends with DC on the ASD spectrum but they do speak and communicate with their DC even with a meltdown there is an interaction) but I also hate to hear people swearing at & threatening their children.
There is def a (quite big) middle ground.

I never, ever swear at them! Or threaten them, at home or elsewhere!
I was talking about my youngest 2, aged 5 and 6. I have older dc too, but they tend to not need telling off whilst out.
Dh generally has a much lower threshold for what requires a telling off and is quicker to do so at home.

Personally I'm far more likely to judge a parent letting children continue to behave badly than I am to judge for telling off.

But yes it depends oh the "level" of telling off too. Screaming, swearing, threatening isn't on.

But yea lack of discipline is generally more annoying.

At 5 & 6, they have such short memories that if you wait until you are home, they won’t remember what they did wrong and won’t associate the telling off with the bad behaviour.
I did it quietly but immediately at that age.

I do, I haven't had to in donkeys but yes any bold, huffy behaviour was dealt with on the spot be it at a park, shopping, outside school etc.

Funny enough I'm not sure about the "what goes on at home behind closed doors" trope. I know at home I let the same kind of behaviour slide a bit more. I can ignore it or take myself off to a different room etc.

I tell mine off in public. It wouldn't occur to me not to.

It's not the same as verbally abusing a child. Behaviour issues need working on as children not waiting until they're older and then wondering why they don't listen to you.

If by "telling off" you mean correcting manners, that what I did. E.g., eat with your mouth closed, be quiet, hold that door, say thank you.
If you mean screaming across a shopping centre then I would judge!

God yes immediate consequences. I could find a corner for a quick time out anywhere. I think there was about a week where it was necessary to jump on it. Definitely better to deal with it now or you'll want to leave them at home.

Of course I do. At 5 he won't understand if I leave it.

Stern voice for normal things, shouted at the times he's looked like he's running into the road.

I noticed that line as well OP, as I have been thinking about this too.

There was a family I knew where the mum acted like a simpering idiot in public with her kids, ineffectually pleading with them to do/not do stuff and getting roundly ignored, but I knew for a fact at home she tore strips off them.

I also thought she seemed quite shocked when I was stern with my kids in public, and they reacted straight away. She probably thought they were terrified of me because ‘what must I be like behind closed doors’. But like you, I think it’s important to be consistent, and I don’t swear at my dc ever, but they get the same mum voice regardless of who else can hear.

Yes but I try to do it as discreet as possible. I took DD out of the situation and ideally found a quiet corner.

But in general I don’t scream or shout unless it is an absolute emergency and then it is more about her getting into danger.

Yes I’d definitely tell my kids off in public.

Otherwise what does it teach them other than mums too afraid of looking bad that she’ll let me be a little shit in public.

That would soon require an escalation of the telling off they’d get at home as they got older as they’d lose any respect they had for my parenting and rules of acceptable behaviour and then I’d have lost them and most importantly failed them

I'd judge you more for letting them misbehave without attempting to control them. The only time I judge people for shouting at their kids is when it seems unjustified...e.g. saw a woman screeching at a small child the other day as he couldn't walk as fast as she wanted him to (he was about 3 and balling his eyes out whilst carrying two shopping bags to the bus stop)

People have issue with whatever you do. Sometimes, especially with toddlers it’s better to try and ignore them when they kick off (assuming they are physically safe), if you tell them off someone will come on mn and claim they want to call ss.
People need to mind their own business

If you are talking calmly but firmly, I do like what you say about talking to them the same way, consistency and also some people treat them so nicely for show and then at home is bad.
I do have a friend who shouts a bit to her 5yo and I feel very uncomfortable. She is a lovely mum but I feel so awkward.
The worst in my opinion is parent making 2yo apologise to me or my DCs 😳😳😳😳
They don't understand and it is so awkward! "Say sorry, say sorry..." for a good 2 minutes please people stop 😰😰😰😰

I do but never shouting. Being out means my "other people are here growl" comes out. Sometimes accompanied by a strong grip of an arm or hand. To be fair if DD is going to misbehave it's usually at home.

Regarding the "behind closed doors" thing, my mother was emotionally abusive and she made very sure not to tell me off in front of other people. If anything, I think telling your kids off (appropriately) in public is a sign that you have nothing to hide.

No, it's fine. Better to be consistent.

I always wonder at those "What are they like in private?" comments as well. Probably the same? Because they clearly think it's fine to shout/hit/whatever objectionable thing the person is handwringing about.

I don't recognise the concept of having one "level" of parenting for public and one level for private - that to me just says that you know your methods used in private are wrong.

Was thinking about this yesterday. We went to a meeting at DD1's new secondary school and were waiting in the foyer for dh to bring the car round as it was pouring rain. DD1 and DD2 were winding each other up and started pushing each other quite hard so I told them sternly to stop messing around. Then I wondered how it looked to the teacher waiting to check people in as they arrived. Hopefully like a responsible parent and not a harridan!

My kids are 8&12 so generally don’t need told off when we’re out anymore but if they did then I would do it! I’m fact my youngest refused to get in the car in the pouring rain at the weekend and she was told off.

It would never have cross my mind to NOT tell them off. Even at 9 or 10 yo, if something needs addressing, then it is.
To be fair at that age, it didn’t happen often.

I think comment about ‘you wonder what happens behind close doors’ is more about people really shouting/swearing/being very rough than normal discipline.