Finally clicked I'm the golden child...

[Gamble66]

And it's not great - wondered for years why my sister had issues with me - I'm a pretty nice person. So today my mother said something (not going to be spesific as very outing) about my sister and an achievement that's pretty spectacular and it clicked to me I'm the golden child and my my sister can never please my mother and also on reflection this is being played out with the grandkids.
Not sure how to quite how to even start talking to my sister about it.

Did anyone else have a lightbulb moment or have you always know ? Cannt believe I've been this dense and blinkered.

My Grandma is like it with my cousin, she can do no wrong but if any of us other kids did it then we would be looked down upon XD never really bothered me but we did all see it.

My brother is the golden child. He’s never actually spoken directly to me about it but a few years ago started speaking up more when my mother was being unfair, being more direct/blunt with her if she is out of order (which he can do without consequence), commiserating with me ‘well, whatever you did she was going to respond like that’, that kind of thing. It’s become clear that now he gets how it has been for me, and I appreciate just his solidarity without needing some big deep and meaningful about it.

My parents always seemed to share around the sunshine of their love, on seperate cycles (divorced).

I’d always know when one of of my siblings had pissed one of them off, because I’d get a loving, enthusiastic call, or a generous invitation, or a present ‘just because’. I know they fervently hoped I’d tell the ‘black sheep of the week’ what blessings they’d bestowed on me, in order to haul them back in line (or maybe just punish them by proxy).

Sadly for them and their immature pathetic manoeuvring, we siblings would laugh about it together and share the bounty where possible.

For a while my younger sister was convinced I was the golden child, but I managed to convince her that I just happened to have made some life choices that they’d decided were achievements in their narrow world (uni, marriage, kid). I probably got more shat on than she did for defying their expectations in how I did those things (‘wrong’ degree, ‘wrong’ man, only one kid)!!!

I'd follow Cwenthryth brothers lead. If she minimises what your sister has done, even privately, correct her. If she dies it in front of you both, defend her. Make it clear you see yourself as equals.

I am quite old now at nearly 60 and always felt like the scapegoat child in our family. As the eldest I was frequently left to look after younger siblings at a very early age and blamed constantly for anything and everything that was wrong in our parent's lives.

Things often turn the full circle. My elderly mother lives very near to the Golden Child in the family. She moved hundreds of miles to be close to GC after DF died. At that time she was recently retired, pretty fit and spent a lot of time providing childcare to Golden Grandchildren. My DCs saw very little of their GM and we always had to visit her, not the other way round.

Now the Golden Grandchildren have left home and moved on, Dsis is left to provide care support to our elderly Mum of nearly 90. I would genuinely like to be able to do more to help, but it is a 400 mile journey by car for me. I didn't choose to be at this distance from DM and am not currently able to drive that far due to arthritis.

Try being both gc and scapegoat which is what's the case for my sister and I.

I'm dads gc and mum's scapegoat, sister is reverse.

Brother is basically ignored by both! Very slightly favoured by dad purely for being a boy at times.

Totally fucked up!

Not much you can do other than defend when possible and support your sibling as much as possible.

Unfortunately in my case sister is a fucking nightmare who mostly has/displays the worst characteristics of both parents and so we are now Nc.

My (now late) little sister was the golden child with my parents - I didn't really mind because I adored her and had broad shoulders so could absorb being the non-golden one. She could do no wrong whereas I was forever being criticized.

I did however have the experience of being the golden child with my grandfather - if my sister and I were mucking about or being silly or doing something we shouldn't he would tell her off and not me. He would also give me pocket money and not her. I felt the unjustness of it and really didn't like it. She was my little sister and I felt shocked and extremely protective of her and annoyed with him.

I was more comfortable being the non-golden child.

I think NitpickPicnic is spot on; that this 'golden' thing comes in waves and that it's not just one child that is always bestowed that mantle. I think this because parents are not immune to outside influence and the views of others - and what's in the media.

Gamble, I'd tread really carefully on this and not make the assertion to your sister that you were/are the 'golden child'. I would pick up the specific instances that you are aware of and let your sister know that you disagreed with your mum's view and didn't like the unfairness.

Your perception may be skewed because you have instances in your mind of when you feel that you were somehow elevated in your mum's eyes - perhaps your sister has the same? Perhaps she thinks that she was favoured also? Or with your dad? Some parents have 'favourites', even if they never admit to it.

True X I think I just need to have a conversation re her perceptions before I weigh in with my own - thank you great insights

I have this a bit, I think it can get worse as parents get older and more set in their ways/thought patterns, and also more inclined to treat adult children as though they were still teenagers. So in my case my mum is firmly convinced my brother is lazy and unreliable, I am the one who must always be approached regarding any important task or decision and his opinion/input is valued much less. Unfortunately in our case there's been so many years of this it's become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy so DBro has sometimes failed to do things he's agreed to do for her on time or whatever, which only adds fuel to the fire, it's infuriating all round as then Mum trusts him even less, I have to deal with more and more stuff and he feels more and more left out...

As PPs have said I don't tend to discuss this with my DBro but I do make sure to always speak positively about him in front of Mum, both when he's there and when he's not. Any criticism I have of him is either kept to myself or dealt with between the 2 of us directly. I go a bit OTT on praising his achievements and positive qualities (again both to him and to Mum and other family member) as I know Mum always underplays them and overplays mine. Without getting into too many arguments, I call her out on anything too ridiculous e.g. being amazed that DBro gets up every day to go to work because he liked to sleep in as a teenager. I make sure indirectly that he is aware that sometimes Mum gets muddled talks nonsense ... I really hope he doesn't feel like I buy in to the stuff she says sometimes!

There were two GC in my family. It sort of shifted but I was always the SG. I don't havr a problem with my siblings as such because I don't blame them now. It still goes on now but I'm old enough not to let it get to me too much and find amusement in looking out for the ways it manifests itself.

I would start pulling her up on it in front of your sister there’s no point in dragging it up what can you do just make a stand to make your sister aware you know and your mother is unreasonable

Well pulling her up on it went badly and then sister joined in with our mother - I may have shifted to scapegoat

My golden child brother couldn't take the blatant unfairness and hypocrisy. He cut and run from the family home as a teenager, spending many years out of reach and out of all contact. After meeting him again many years later, I realised he is a thoughtful and essentially decent human being but damaged, just as I am, but in a different way. We can't get back the years we lost and are now too far apart to have a meaningful sibling relationship. He leads a solitary life now.

My golden child sister is, I think, aware of her status but shows no sign of wanting it to change. Any sibling relationship with her can only be on her terms and would require lots of tiptoeing around her and her specialness. I have tried, periodically, to connect but it's just too exhausting.

Please don't let this happen to you and your sister. If you can find a way to let her know you understand, and that you really do want an honest relationship, one of equal respect and affection and sisterly solidarity, your sister might surprise you and respond. You can only try.

Actually just had a long long email from her plus an appology ! We are going to have dinner next week on our own. Our 1st solo meeting in honesty for maybe 10+ years.

That sounds promising, Gamble, and a solo meeting is definitely the only way forward. My mother triangulated madly, controlling all family news and all family contact, thus making absolutely sure that any attempt at sibling honesty and reconciliation was doomed to fail. It will be painful, for both of you, but so worth it if you can finally connect. I wish you and your sister all the best 💐