Due to various circumstances my life has sort of gone virtually on hold for the last six months . I’m finding myself always feeling very anxious, have had an anxiety disorder since very early age and it’s flared up very badly .
I’m finding I’m always very frightened and angry . Like every second of the day . I find standing up frightening , walking is scary, I don’t settle to sleep well , I don’t tend to eat the right things .
I know the causes - last summer my granda died very suddenly , then my mum took a big overdose the month after , I moved 200 miles away from home alone for uni and I just couldn’t cope . Ended up sat on the ground in middle of uni campus and got taken to GP by uni support staff . Horrible . Decided to take a year out in Feb . Moved home .
Since then things have gone from bad to worse . I’m always looking for reassurance - either over medical things , I get heart palpitations and I’m always terrified I’m going to keel over even if just climbing the stairs , or I’m texting my mum/my aunty constantly . I don’t feel safe and sometimes it’s like I’ve lost track of what’s anxiety and exaggerated and what’s reality . I have images in my head constantly of my funeral , things like that . Look for signs around me that something might go wrong . If I hear the wrong phrAse or something seems off or see the wrong person that’s my whole day gone wrong and I have to go home again .
I’m barely moving during the day and now down to like 2000 steps a day being a good one . I’m very overweight due to medication and health problems which doesn’t help .
I see myself as fat, lazy, ugly, irritating a burden and not good enough which doesn’t help . I always replay bad memories eg being bullied at school and try to work out why it happened . In my head I’m horrible to myself and sit and cry if someone tries to help me . I’m covered in cuts and bruises from self harming . I genuinely don’t know what to do . GP had said she’s referring me to see a psychiatrist but I will have to travel to city to see her alone at mental health hospital , no family or friends who can take me or come with me . Other issues at home that mean they just can’t .
I’m only 27 , I want to be out with friends , having fun , but I haven’t got them , and I’ve forgotten what fun feels like when it’s not tinged with a constant sense of panic and dread and impending doom .
I have got medication , mirtazapine , I’ve got some self help stuff but I’m just so bloody tired and angry with myself and wanting a rant . I don’t think I can do anything tonight to make things better , sometimes just writing helps .