Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

how can I cheer up DS (aged 16)

18 replies

woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 19:02

He tried out for something very competitive. Over 200 boys tried for it. He got down to the last 20. They picked 15. A friend of his was chosen. He is absolutely gutted to have near-missed.

He's one of those people who gets overlooked a bit. Not always, but he really notices it when it does happen. And he has a brother who is always top of everything he touches which really doesn't help.

What can I do to cheer him up? I offered to do a chocolate run to the supermarket, to run him a bath, find some funny TV, etc. He said no to it all. I told him it was fine to feel very upset, who wouldn't, but not to be cruel to himself and think judgemental thoughts. He has low self esteem, even though he's never been put down at home or made to feel like he has to achieve a certain standard. It's all self-imposed.

Any ideas how to cheer him up?

OP posts:
Original poster
woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 19:18

.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 10/06/2019 19:27

Offer to sabotage 5 of the boys who did get through?

Original poster
woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 19:29

LOL TeenTimes.

He doesn't feel bitter about them getting in. He feels anger at himself for not making the grade and I feel sorry for him.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2019 19:37

As hard as it is, I think you need to back off and allow him to be sad, and let him work his way through it. Of course he is sad. He's had a massive disappointment. Sadly, this will not be the last. Life is full of disappointments and it is very important to develop the skills in order to deal with them. Offer to talk if he wants to, but try to let him work through it in his own time.

SD1978 · 10/06/2019 19:40

I agree with @Aquamarine1029- I get you want to help but he did his best, he did well, and he didn't on this occasion make the final cut- he needs some personal resilience. You've offered a lot of alternatives, he doesn't want them. Tell him you're proud if his effort and let him process it himself. There will be many more disappointments in life you won't always be there to be his personal fan club for.

Original poster
woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 19:41

I know you are right, Aquamarine. And I have just let him head upstairs to be sad on his own. But he has had so much to contend with in life - serious illness for years, physical and mental disabilities that have held him back. I just think he deserves a break but they keep happening to other people - people who already have so much more than him in terms of physical ability and social skills etc. You just wish sometimes it wasn't the tall, handsome rugby A team 10 A* GCSE pupils who also get the little extras. But it does seem to be...

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 10/06/2019 19:41

I'd say just carry on as 'normal' and leave him to it. The more you try and do things and cheer him up the more this disappointment is highlighted.
You sound so lovely OP but I'd really try to give him some space.

BlueMerchant · 10/06/2019 19:43

Sorry just read your last postFlowers

GottaGetUp · 10/06/2019 19:45

I think it’s possible you are making it worse by focusing on how upset he is and trying to cheer him up in all these different ways. Like you’re reinforcing how terrible it is that he didn’t get picked? There are 180 other boys that were more ‘overlooked’ than your son.

He didn’t get it, that’s a shame, but hey, there’ll be other opportunities, better luck next time...

GottaGetUp · 10/06/2019 19:48

Crossed posts about the serious illnesses etc.

I’m afraid the tall handsome sporty intelligent boys are going to have an easier way through life. It’s just how it is.

Original poster
woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 19:50

I agree with you all, actually. Good advice. He's been upstairs on his own and I've looked in to chat to him about a couple of unrelated topics and he does seem a tiny bit brighter. I just know he gives himself a hard time. He judges himself against boys who are just more successful and physically developed at this age and he feels so left behind.

OP posts:
Skinandbones · 10/06/2019 19:56

One of these days he's going to find something he's really good at, and it will make a difference to someone, he might not even relize it.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2019 20:00

Your son is clearly already very strong and resilient, no doubt due to how he's been raised by such a loving mum. All you can do is continue to encourage him to go after whatever he feels passionate about, even if the end result isn't what he wants. The only failure is in refusing to try. Putting yourself out there is a brave thing to do for anyone, as it makes us so vulnerable to hurt and disappointment. Your son is a brave young man.

AJPTaylor · 10/06/2019 20:03

Smooth sea doesn't make a good sailor.
Leave him be for now. Think of something he might enjoy, day out somewhere, tickets for something, takeaway.

Original poster
woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 20:48

Thank you Aquamarine that's kind of you. He is.

OP posts:
TraffordTansy · 10/06/2019 21:32

@woodcutbirds I really feel for you. I too have a 16 year old ds who has had some physical issues and who is very disappointed about something at the moment!

I have no words of wisdom but I do know how it feels, not pleasant or easy ☹️

Original poster
woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 21:53

It's so tough, isn't it Trafford because you want to be able to say, 'Your time will come,' but that has a hollow ring when the same few people keep getting chosen and awarded and rewarded. And we know when they get out into the big wide world, it doesn't get any fairer, either. But he is very resilient. Always has been. And he is very very well loved by s. So there's that.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodcutbirds · 10/06/2019 21:53

us not s Hmm

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page