Reaslised that as a sahm, I am actually quite isolated

[Daphnesmate]

I don't want to give too much information as it might be outing but recently I have realised that being a sahm to a toddler can be quite isolating.

When toddler sleeps there are things that I can easily absorb myself in (mumsnet being one of them and time flies) but when toddler is awake, it is a bit of a lonely process. I love my little dc but I find that looking after them doesn't tick all the boxes - the need for a bit of adult company/interaction and obviously me time. This was brought home to me recently, when I had a bit of work done on my house and there was a team of builders here but now they have left I am feeling a bit bereft. It wasn't as if they were especially friendly but it was more like a bit of background noise and watching the rapport between them and hearing about some of their plans for the weekend. Even the chat about work in progress meant that I was actually communicating with another grown up and now chanting "oh there's a horse, neigh, neigh," etc. you get the picture. My dc understands more than they can say currently and their naps are still unpredictable so it is sometimes difficult to plan things and get into some sort of routine (although I have manged this a bit on a couple of days during the week).
I have an older dc as well, so the school run breaks the day up and I look forward to my dh returning home after work. There are of course groups like bounce and rhyme and toddler groups which to be honest can border on grim (cliquey and it's hit or miss who turns up) but again at least it is a bit of background noise and my toddler seems to enjoy them, though I am left feeling like I am wandering around in my own little world sometimes.
I don't want to place dc with a childminder etc. until they are a bit older (that's just a personal choice) but I find the role of sahm quite difficult if I am honest (this is my last little one).

I live rurally, so there are no instant amenities on the doorstep and we have no extended family. I know advice would be to get out and about more but having reached the 18 month mark, I think it is dawning on me just how much I miss getting out and about for me i.e. not toddler groups but work/voluntary work or just more time for hobbies and coming into contact with other adults. I plan to send dc to pre-school just before their third birthday, so still a little way to go but things wont really change until dc is about 3.5 and will do a couple of longer days.

Can anyone relate?

now chanting = not chanting

I do remember it well, was a SAHM for 7 years and at times questioned my own sanity! The only way I found to stay sane was to break each day up with activities, even a trip to Asda or the library was an outing when my DS were was little (we didn't have much money for anything else!) Do you have any friends locally? Persevere with the groups too, I always say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince! I met some good friends through a baby group, but it took a while.
Other than that I would say the old cliche that you won't get this time back and they'll be big before you know it. As I type my now 15 yr old and 10 yr old are both plugged in to their gaming devices and I wouldn't say no to a bit of toddler company!

Absolutely and I lived in London! I had kids in my 40s and left work after my second. My goodness the change! I found it sooo boring. I’d look at the clock and think ‘just three more hours I can put them to bed’. I craved adult time. All my friends had babies much earlier or no babies at all. I joined post natal group when my son was three weeks. I went for a three mile walk every day stopping in for a coffee just so I’d see other adults! I felt I just must not be a natural mother. I really resented my kids for taking up so much of my life! I think I may have had some post natal depression too.
When they started school unfortunately it wasn’t the kind that had a lot of parental involvement, and I never clicked with any of the other parents.
Then tragedy my husband died suddenly and I moved away for a fresh start. Kids in Y2 and 4. I put myself out there - volunteered at the school, went to every coffee morning, and if I met some one interesting asked them to meet up for lunch. Eventually I got a good group of friends and kids now teens and independent. I feel I have much of me and my life back. I have a great relationship with my kids but motherhood was a real eye opener for me. I’m not as nice or as patient as I thought.
Hang in there but do get out and about and put your children in nursery earlier if it gives you time to do stuff for yourself. The better you are mentally the better mum you will be.

Yes op, I found it incredibly isolating as well. ..

In different circumstances, with a better support network around me, more money... I would have enjoyed the time more. .. it's gruelling! I wasn't good at all at play for that age and people saying go for walks... arghh that was hell!!

Making painting... lasts all of ten minutes... only 8 hours to go!!

I did toddler groups ... and stuff like that and it did help.

But.. I kept reminding myself...I chose to have these children even one by accident.

I have to take the rough with the smooth.
They are not my playthings... they need me.
I have to sacrifice for them.

I'm back at work now op and it's amazing

Pip, sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.

You are like me in that I have had my dcs later and also stopped work whereas many of my peers now have teens/much older children and I have gone back to the beginning with a toddler. Naturally, my friends lives have moved on and I know our dcs are young for such a short period of time but I do envy the amount of freedom some of them have (I have a teen too, so can relate to just how different it is).

For some reason, I made more friends with my older dc, not so much with my middle one, hence that's why I say that many of my peers have older children. As you say, I have just not managed to click with dc2's crowd for whatever reason.
Yes, I feel a bit guilty for saying it but I do crave adult time, just time to be me, sometimes I feel a bit weighed down by responsibility.

I plan to do some volunteering when dc starts school/more full-time pre-school and I have a couple of hobbies that I enjoy, so hope to join a couple of groups and maybe eventually get a part-time job. Little dc is a delight and I give her plenty of attention but honestly, I find it very boring whereas I look forward to having a chat to my teen (this is not favouritism, it is just different stages), so I'd say I enjoy older children much more.

Thank you for posting, I feel so much more like it isn't just me, having read your posts.

Burpsand,

I like the walks, that's the bit I enjoy and I find myself rambling to little dc about birds and stuff all around - I think because I am out of the four walls, just out in the fresh air. We have a park nearby but more often than not in the day, it is deserted, so again it is a case of letting toddler run around.

I did smile at the painting thing - oh so often have I got the paints out and it is a 10 minute wonder - they tend to move from one thing to another very quickly at that age, don't they. Looking at books is something else that I tend to do, more than play, though I did have a bit of fun playing with my dc this evening.

Having lack of family and no close friends with children of around the same age definitely doesn't help the situation. When I try to have a mini moan about the intensity of things with my friends (who have older children now), the same old thing comes out - "well it doesn't last forever," etc. so in that way I lose a bit of a sounding board too.

Lashings of TV too OP.

I probably had older watching too much, however we did lots at weekends, far more than peers.
I know anecdotes crap but older is top sets, incredible reader... not over weight at all, lovely girl beloved of teachers!
It's about balance isn't it.

Walks with younger....she wasn't the kind to listen about bird's ... it was exhausting.

Soft play was my saviour with her!!

Just be kind too yourself.

Yes I sympathise, it’s soul destroying. I was a sahm for 3 years, when my eldest was 2 years old I found a part-time job, I only made £50pcm after childcare and school clubs. but my sanity returned, although I was very, very busy in the evenings. Youngest now gets free hours and I feel like I get a wage, but mostly I am glad to be shot of those boring early years of loneliness and mr tumble on every CBeebies program going.

I am waiting for little dc to not want to sit in the pushchair at all, at the moment they are fine - happy to sit and stare (if I pull them out for a walk, it is a struggle to get them back in but love to do puddle splashing), so I am making the most of this whilst it lasts. I expect it will get a lot more intense in the next 6 months as they get more active and will have to look at doing more stuff.

I have been a sahm for several years now, I was in the process of job hunting when I discovered I was expecting dc3. Wouldn't be without them - job or dc, it is a no brainer, dc all the way but it doesn't come without its sacrifices. The thing is, you can't get much housework done can you or anything else because toddler becomes involved...it is lovely but you have to have soooo much patience. I feel lucky to have dc and try to give them attention but my patience doesn't last forever and I envy people who drop their dcs at school etc. and then just jump in the car and go out/ do whatever, without much of a second thought, during school hours because I feel so restricted. But as upthread, I choose this way of life and remind myself of this fact, it doesn't make it feel much easier though.

Yes I feel you OP. I’m very lucky in that I have a great group of sahm friends with similar aged kids and we’re all going out of our minds together so we meet up a lot.

But there’s days when I have no plans and it’s just so dull. A walk is all well and good, but that’s only an hour or 2 out of the day. And if I have to take my 4 year old he just complains most of the time anyway

That's great that you meet up with like minded friends Caterina. When I used to do that, I found that I couldn't have much of an adult conversation (particularly with dc2 who was into everything) because I was always watching what the little one was getting into. But you're right there is that 'in it together' sort of feeling which I had a bit with dc1 when there used to be a group of us. If there were more groups right on the doorstep, I think I would probably go to them...I probably need to make more of an effort, getting out the door can be an escapade in itself, can't it.

Oh god yes
When mine where tiny I’d go days without seeing another adult
I remember my dad coming round and I almost mugged him
They got older and we moved house so it did get easier but I look back on those days with doom
They do grow up and you do claw back some me time but it’s brain numbing at the time

I'm on maternity leave and always find Mondays the hardest. I was almost in tears this morning as dp walked out of the door dreading the day ahead of me.

The days are so long and you have dreams of having an immaculate house and being out and about all the time but in reality you are so tied to entertaining dd and being in the right place at the right time for feeds (formula fed). I really can't bear the thought of being away from dd or having to use childcare so it's a real pull in both directions for me. I live spending every second with my daughter she amazes me every day in ways I never thought possible but bloody hell it is tough but not in the ways I expected it to be.

Funnily enough I have just been reading an article about Mario falcone basically saying the same thing.

I do like baby groups for socialising but even that's wearing thin now - all people talk about is baby stuff and it's a bit boring. I'm only really interested in my baby and don't wanna spend all day talking about her lol although I easily could

Rarfy, is this your first baby? I remember it being particularly tough when I had my first because there was no school run to break up the day - I remember feeling how you do. I used to go to a different group every morning and remember thinking oh that's it for the day and then have a long afternoon ahead plus all of the paraphernalia that goes with it. I didn't really (and still don't) have family dropping in to break the time up. The library was great for letting little one run off steam (our nearest library is now about 3 miles away) and basically to let off steam means running around outside.
Baby talk doesn't float my boat either - perhaps the first time around when everything was a bit unknown but now with dc3 it doesn't interest me much. It is not all gloomy and I do get absorbed in my little one, just think I could do with a bit more variety - basically, it is 7 am- 6 pm five days a week until my dh takes over for a bit and a bit of respite at the weekends. I know I am fortunate that dh is supportive, I realise that not everyone has this and it must be a hard slog/extremely tiring without any support at all. Miss just saying to someone, "the school run was tough this morning," or " I don't know what to do for dd's birthday," just general things like I used to say at work. Thank goodness for mumsnet!