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Original poster

Coping when DH is away

15 replies

RNRLH · 10/06/2019 17:49

I have a 4 month old baby and wondering how other mums cope when their husband goes away. I have had a few times now when DH has been away with work/away with mates. I'm okay with work trips - he has to do these, but I've said that I am uncomfortable with social trips being more than 2 nights. He has booked a five night golf trip to go on when DS is 8months, and did this before our son was born which I was uncomfortable with at the time, and is insisting he is able to go on it. We have no help from any sets of grandparents or family. Am I being unreasonable to feel that more than two nights away is unfair? I'm a new mum so really feeling my way still!

OP posts:
DNAwrangler · 10/06/2019 18:24

YANBU to feel as you do. The question is, what outcome would you like?

Him not to go (and be grumpy)
Him to go and you get comfortable with it
Him to go and you to take a turn out too

I imagine you'd like him to want to not go, but it's probably not going to happen, unless perhaps he sees how hard it can be to be alone. Is he alone with the baby?

Practically speaking, it can help if you organise some company while alone. Eg play date with friend, kindle to read in evenings.

Doje · 10/06/2019 18:35

I would always go and stay with my parents if DH was going away for a couple of days. Is that something you can do?

Otherwise, be good to yourself! Eat crap food if that makes it easier. Do no laundry. See no people of that's what you want!

Original poster
RNRLH · 10/06/2019 20:06

It’s funny - everything you say is spot on. At the moment I’ve put it to him not to go and it’s created huge stress, arguments and resentment on both sides. I feel like I’m a way o should be mindful as you really sensibly suggest of the longer perspective and outcome, thank you xx

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Original poster
RNRLH · 10/06/2019 20:11

Also part of the stress is keeping up appearances - doing the laundry, keeping the house neat and tidy, etc etc, perhaps as you say just leave everything on that front and concentrate on the DS and DS can have his golf and then come back to help on that front. At least ease the pressure a little. Unfortunately my DM been diagnosed with breast cancer so can’t help at all and his parents are not close. Thank you for support and the good advice, it’s really helpful. Helps me take a wider/longer term perspective Smile

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 10/06/2019 20:12

What would he say if you wanted a night off/weekend away? (I realise you might not to quite yet, but you can still plan even theoretically). The evenings can get lonely home by yourself, especially if your partner is away having fun.

DNAwrangler · 10/06/2019 20:28

It's tough OP. If I'm right, then it's not even really about the week away, but about the general unfairness. Your life has changed to the point where a long shower would be a trwat, but he can just bugger off for 5 days.

And if you dare be less than positive about it, he's all defensive and thinks he does his fair share.

This stage is very hard on most relationships.

Stardustmoon · 10/06/2019 20:48

My DH goes away one weekend a month for study and 1 week in summer. Course requirement. I have a 6 month old and a 2 year old.we used to stay with my parents but it was more Hassel having to set up travel cot, baby stuff etc. Now, I plan nice activities with friends or family. Next week my sister and I are taking boys to zoo. Then in eve, I do routine and sleep in their room so I'm there if they need anything. If is tough but if you prepare in advance it can be made easier x

Louise1683 · 10/06/2019 20:49

It’s extremely hard. My DH works away for 4/5 weeks at a time. We have a DS (7) and DD (9 months). When he’s home he has had a few stag weekends away and birthday weekend booked and I’m still yet to have one night where I can so much as have a bubble bath and sleep never mind the 5 consecutive weeks I need to do absolutely everything for childcare and house.

I completely get where you are coming from but perhaps come to an agreement that you too can have some time when he gets home and that it isn’t just him that gets time away. Maybe I should take my own advice lol

Stardustmoon · 10/06/2019 20:50

P.s. DH would never go away socially so yes you are not being unreasonable.5 days for luxury is a lot. You should repay him by going away somewhere yourself x

LoisLittsLover · 10/06/2019 20:52

Prepare - well, i get dh to sort stuff before he goes so bins are empty, washing all done, ironing done. I think it's hard being here as it doesn't matter what they are doing away, life here seems the same slog. But dh works hard when he is away so couldn't say no to him having down time too with friends, work travel is hard. I found adjusting my thinking helped a lot

timeisnotaline · 10/06/2019 20:59

It does seem very unfair. My husband would t. You both wanted a baby so you should both expect to plan life around it. If he goes, 1. He has made sure the freezer has at least 3 delicious meals you like in it. If he can’t cook them he can start learning now.
2 . The weekends before and after he ensures you get a few hours to yourself in the day and a minimum 4 hour block at night (expand depending on babies feed/ sleep pattern) , and he prepares meals and feeds baby etc so the time he has baby is genuine time he’s parenting and giving you off not just daddy day care.

  1. Obviously as soon as you get the opportunity you will disappear for a couple of nights and he will say nothing but have a great time I got this.
polkadotpixie · 10/06/2019 21:06

I find this hard too. My husband is in a band that regularly plays gigs (1 night = fine) and festivals (several nights/days = not fine)

I resent the fact he feels he can up and do what he wants whilst I'm the default parent and if I complain I'm being unreasonable/controlling/knew it would be like this. His selfishness is unbearable

It's really affected my feelings for him. I love him but it's not the same. The anger I feel is eroding my love and I don't know how to make things better or it it's too late 😢

drsausage · 10/06/2019 22:07

Mine are much older now but I still remember how full on it was when I had a baby. I'd really struggle when DH was away. Other people would tell me they preferred it when their OH was away, and that you 'just get into a routine' etc, and then I'd feel even more of a failure.

But no, I hated it when he went away.

Now my lot are older he's away about half the time and we do fine, but back then it was exhausting. I'd be really fucked off if he wanted to go away for 5 days to play golf.

Peachsummer · 10/06/2019 22:14

My DH sometimes goes away on 2-4 night work trips. DS (1yo) and I have an easy life while he’s away. We eat easy food like pizza and sandwiches, go for nice days out and watch Netflix more than we should. We go to bed ridiculously early and sleep together. If it’s a longer trip we might go and stay with my mum (or at least go for dinner) so we’re not alone the whole time. By 8m you’ll probably feel more confident. It sounds like the issue here is not you coping though - it’s resentment at him going off on a jolly and leaving you stuck?

Original poster
RNRLH · 10/06/2019 22:54

I think preparing is key, just as suggested, so it feels like there’s some structure. It’s definitely a resentment factor here, that it feels unfair to be the default parent. I’m often finding that people are asking him if he would like to participate in things (going for a run etc) and I am left off just because it is assumed as the mother that I will stay back with the baby and not partake. He then feels that he isn’t doing things he is being asked to be a part of and therefore making sacrifices, and entitled to justify the more ‘important’ occasions and often illness that follows from
overdoing it when away! (..he went to Madrid for the football and came back poorly with a bug he’d picked up) so I often get have to cover the weekends (which I feel should be family time and a bit of me time too - I’m talking a bath or a trip to the gym as opposed to a holiday Wink on top of the work nights away (which are important I know, and I don’t have any issue with those).
DH is very pro me going away and doing my own thing but I’m on SMP so I don’t have funds to go away and I don’t feel I really want to anyway, whereas he thinks this is what makes it fair. By me not wanting to go away he sees that as my issue, when I see the issue as the fact that he is feeling that his life shouldn’t change and that golf trips for five nights are appropriate despite my being uncomfortable with it.
I think the problem now is the resentment - I resent him for planning to go and he resents me for resenting that! I guess it’s not an easy period whilst finding feet. I’m more anxious about going away than him and I feel the pressure more as I don’t cope very well after a few days of solo parenting. I know so many single mums are doing it all by themselves and are total heros, so this probably sounds really trivial and selfish to be even raising it! Thank you for all the good advice Star

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