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Original poster

Work trip - not ready to leave DS overnight

20 replies

Skiaddicted · 10/06/2019 09:01

DS only settles for me, only falls asleep for me, will cry until he is sick if anyone else tries and i have a work trip next month. DH has tried and continues to try but its not his fault.

I am not ready to leave DS overnight anyway but the thought of knowing he won't be settling and will be screaming all night makes me feel sick.

What can i do?!

OP posts:

fiorentina · 10/06/2019 09:10

Is it perhaps because he knows that you’re nearby? If you go out for the evening would he settle eventually? Not sure how old he is but I’m guessing you need to change the routine to benefit you in the long run?

I would still go, far from ideal but can he come to with your DH in the room to look after him whilst you do the work related activities?

Original poster

Skiaddicted · 10/06/2019 09:33

I dont know, Ive not been out in the evening without him. Not intentionally it just hasnt happened. He is only just 1 and Ive been working hard on getting him from being rocked to and fed to sleep to self settling which we've got there with (controlled crying wasnt for us). So we are working on it but its taking time

DH has work the next day so he wouldnt be able to come too but i had considered that.

OP posts:

nutellanom · 10/06/2019 12:28

Can you tell Work you're unable to go on the trip?

1yo is still really small and it's natural he won't want to be left and that you're not ready to leave him.

Would have advised you take him and husband with you! Can your husband take a days holiday the next day to enable this to happen?

Noonooyou · 10/06/2019 12:32

Could you pop out for a couple of hours one evening this week as a trial?

StinkySaurus · 10/06/2019 13:07

You mentioned that your baby was fed to sleep.. are you breastfeeding? If so can you use this a ‘medical’ excuse as to why you can’t stay overnight, missing feed for so long could lead to infections etc especially if you cannot pump effectively?

Squirrelonwheels · 10/06/2019 14:36

If you are BF then I think under the equality act, BF is a protected characteristic which means you are entitled to “reasonable adjustments” to be made - is it feasible for a reasonable adjustment to be that you don’t do overnight trips yet? If this isn’t feasible or you’re not BF then I hope it goes well - obviously your baby will be oky, but I do sympathise

averythinline · 10/06/2019 14:41

My Ds would seem to know if I was in the house.....much better if i went out..
I would continue your phased approach ...
so youve got him to self settle- we did stroke pat and slow retreat
could be possible in a month - we alternated at first so i did and dh watched then dh did and i watched - but it was better if i wasnt there .....get dh to do the bedtime routine with you, then handover bits and more and more as it goes along

Original poster

Skiaddicted · 10/06/2019 16:49

Dp isnt often here for bedtime to practise which obviously doesnt help (due to work not through choice!). I may see about him coming with us and leaving early morning, DS is struggling so much with me being back at work, hes gone from incredibly independent to clinging on to me at every opportunity.

I was unable to breast feed but I've taken on the bed time feed onwards on as it made me feel like i didnt miss too much of the connection that breast feeding mothers must have (or at least i hope its worked). He will refuse this bottle from DH and scream.

I could go out i suppose to let DH practise but i have nowhere really to go!!

OP posts:

StinkySaurus · 10/06/2019 18:02

OP I think you need to have an honest conversation with your line manager about your concerns. It’s perfectly normal to not want to leave a baby/ toddler over night. Some parents and babies are ready when their baby is young, others aren’t readier until later. Therefore your manager may not realise that this could be an issue for your and your child. Have a conservation with your manager and see if there can be some compromise. ....

Can you do a teleconference instead?
Can you just go for the day ( and the day be long)?
Can someone else from your team go?

At the very worst you will still have to go so you have nothing to lose by asking.

MsPavlichenko · 10/06/2019 18:09

Al of the suggestions re your work are worth pursuing.

It is still worth trying to move towards him settling without you. If , for example, you needed to be away (hospital) your DH would have to cope. Also it is good if you are able to get time away, either alone or with your DH. I agree your DS is more likely to settle if you are not there. Does he settle well in childcare ?

Maybe go out for a coffee/browse a library or bookshop one evening and lt DH get on with it?

mindutopia · 10/06/2019 18:15

Your dp needs to start being available in the evenings to do more of the bedtime routine and nighttime parenting. You’ll very likely be surprised it goes much smoother than you could have imagined.

I just left mine for a work overnight last month for the first time. He’d only ever been breastfed to sleep so I’m the only one who has ever done it. He was 14 months at the time.

It was absolutely fine. He wasn’t bothered at all. Went to sleep fine and slept about 2 hours later than he normally does! I was away again last week and again absolutely fine.

But I think it’s important that they have time together to figure out how to do it. It’s much easier to do that actually when you aren’t there hovering and there is no chance your partner can call you to come home (so he has to figure out his own way). Can he do bedtime on the weekends and/or come home a little earlier some days?

Original poster

Skiaddicted · 10/06/2019 18:46

I will have a chat with my manager, i work in IT and our company is 99% males so probably wouldnt even be a consideration for most. He doesnt have children either so wouldn't know why it could be an issue.

Sadly with work his shifts are his shifts and getting home earlier is just not an option. He does try at weekends though until DC gets too worked up

OP posts:

averythinline · 11/06/2019 08:18

being clingy is a stage at this age anyway.....
you need to let dh do the bedtime - walk round the block - drive to tesco whatever...my work is flexible mainly but woudl not be impressed that you can't leave your dc if travel is part of the job..
Its not like you didnt know - everyone I knew that went back to work was working on managing this sort of stuff way in advance..

you do seem to be making excuses as you are upset about leaving him rather than thinking - I am going to be away what can we do about it.....
its understandable you are upset about leaving him but you are making it harder for both of you ....

Taswama · 11/06/2019 08:29

I agree you need to leave the house for at least an hour and leave DP to get on with it. My first night away from ds1 was spent in hospital (not for dc2 birth) and it would have been better if he’d had the experience before.

Noonooyou · 11/06/2019 10:20

Build up to it, you should be ok..your baby will cope better than you think!

Sandybval · 11/06/2019 10:26

Its normal to not want to leave overnight at this age, but it doesn't sound healthy to be honest. If you unexpectedly had to go away or were poorly it's not good that your son would be so distressed; and it's a lot of pressure on you. Be honest with work but if it's in your contract you might have to be prepared for them to say no.

Original poster

Skiaddicted · 11/06/2019 14:02

I am looking for new work which wont involve overnight trips. Im sure in time he will be fine but its just not what i want, regular work trips away. I agree its not ideal as it is but we are working on it, DH does try on the opportunities he has and tries every night to do the resettling and it gets nowhere.

Originally this event was supposed to be november so i was thinking we had plenty of time. Its been brought forwards (for no real reason) so I'm feeling a bit rushed about it all

OP posts:

nutellanom · 11/06/2019 19:22

OP please don't let other posters make you feel there is something abnormal about your situation. There is not! It is so normal for a small child to want their mum and not accept dad as much for comfort. Accepting dad for comfort takes longer (you are the main caregiver!). They know you better than dad as you have been around more and they also knew you for 9 mths in the womb prior to any of this!

I wouldn't have left my baby at one year old with my husband for the night. I know neither or them would have had a good time! I went to a conference when he was 15 months, and husband came too. Worked great and like a mini holiday for them.

Now he's 3yo and settles well for dad, could happily leave them together overnight and do my own thing (except we have a new baby so back to the beginning again!). We didn't implement anything strategic, but time helped as always!

deste · 11/06/2019 20:03

Can you take your mum or a friend with you, i did it with my DD when DGD was 6 months old. She just told her employers she was still breast feeding and it wásnt a problem.

Original poster

Skiaddicted · 11/06/2019 20:57

Thank you @nutellanom, I dont feel like its abnormal, DH tries so hard with him and is so wonderful and hands on its just bedtime as with his shifts he cant often help.

I am going to ask about someone coming along and explain why.......no idea how well it will go down though

OP posts:

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