As the title says, today is my birthday. The first one since my mum died in August.
I really don't know how I feel. I'm very angry at her (due to various reasons leading up to her death) but at the same time I'm sad. I miss her and it's only recently started to sink in that she really isn't coming back.
I don't even really want to 'celebrate' - it doesn't feel right. Mum (for all her faults) always used to make such a fuss about my birthday - cake, card, presents, special treats. Even though I'm getting on, it made me feel like a big kid for that one day.
My dad tries - God bless him - but he was never 'in charge' of the buying so I've not even got a card from him yet. DD is only small (although she did make me a card at nursery) and I'm a single parent.
It feels very lonely this year. I feel empty. Yet the rage at my mum creeps up and in that moment I'm full of anger, then tears, then sadness.
Hard feelings to process - especially such an onslaught of them.
I'm just having a bit of a moan really. My head's all over the place.