Help me phrase this in a non patronising way

[PenguinWings]

I've recently made friends with a new mum at school. Our DCs' school is in a small village which is well off enough that as 2 nhs doctors DH and I seem poor.
The new mum speaks ok but not perfect English. She's left what sounds like a really bad abusive husband and she's got 4 primary age kids.
I took my kids to play at their house yesterday and was really shocked that they have almost no stuff- no carpet in the DCs' bedroom, no table and chairs, the 2 DDs are sharing a bed. I really don't think that this is minimalist chic, I think that she's struggling.

I know that there are parents at our school who redecorate every couple of years with all new furniture. And I know that we all have more toys and books than we know what to do with.

How do I join this up? New friend already feels like she sticks out in the playground.

I have pretty rubbish social skills and I'm worried about embarrassing her.
I also don't want to just write on the school FB page "Mrs B is skint so please give her things" even though I'm confident that she could fill her house in a day like that.

Please could you someone who is good at this tell me how to do it?

Thank you

I know that there are parents at our school who redecorate every couple of years with all new furniture she won't want the whole school knowing about her situation so don't involve anyone else.

Don't say or do anything OP. Not until you know her better. I had no sofa for a long time...and no carpet in my sitting room. If a school mum had offered me her children's old toys and books I'd have died.

A FRIEND offering would be different but your relationship hasn't reached that point yet.

Totally agree with Henny. It's massively overstepping.

That certainly takes the pressure off me- thank you

It seems so logical doesn't it - people with excess stuff vs people with not enough.

Agree with PP: get to know the woman better, find out how she would like to be supported. If you happen to be having a clear-out of toys and clothes that your own children have grown out of, offer them.

The people who redecorate every year with new furniture sound hugely wasteful! Where does it all go, do they recycle/ re-sell/ donate to charity? Can you encourage that more broadly? Find out about local charities that support people leaving abusive relationships and encourage them in that direction, the message may filter through more organically that way.

Just be her friend, without judgement, sympathy or pity. She probably needs that more than material belongings at the moment. Once you have a relationship with her that's on an equal footing, then you might be able to offer.

I think the exact opposite tbh - be up front and say something along the lines that it must be difficult to be starting again and would she like some help? She will be well aware that you have noticed and it's not rude to ignore someone who clearly could do with some support. Perhaps the opposite. It will only be embarrassing if you make a 'thing' of it by dancing about.

I'm sure you won't be sticking a notice up in the village store asking for donations and can discretely ask friends who would also like to help.

Damm - badly written I meant to say it's not rude to offer help to someone who needs it.

Op I don't think encouraging school parents to Freecycle is bad at all.

Concentration on getting good Freecycle community going first...

Then things will naturally be offered maybe on school Facebook page! And she along with others can ask for stuff.

I'd go down a route... parents... one of you threw something away I secretly coveted. It made me think, when we change rooms around and need to get rid shall we advertise on here first?

Then offer something up yourself.

With photo and short description of condition.

Re no carpet... that's very common with trends in floor board. Can She paint the floor and get cheap rug's?

I furnished house From free.

There are grants that she can apply for, for white good and beds. If she has a child under 5 she can go to a children's centre and maybe get a family support worker to assist with applications. I wouldn't do anything about asking school mums to support until you know her better?

Yes I think involving other people would be a big mistake, it's overstepping and could really embarrass her. When you feel you know her well enough you could offer things you no longer use or need but I'd recommend doing it in a very low key way and maybe even by text rather than face to face given you say your social skills aren't always great .

When I wanted to help a young work colleague who was unexpectedly single and pregnant, yet I didn't know her well enough to judge whether she'd be embarrassed, I just sent a chatty email along the lines of:

Bit random possibly and feel free to say no but I've still got dcs high chair, Moses basket and some clothes and I wondered if they might be of some use to you? No problem if you're already sorted, just thought I'd mention as I really keep meaning to pass them on! Give me a shout if you're interested.

She was delighted and it didn't come across as though I was treating her like a charity case as it was only the same type of offer one might make to anybody who's expecting. Not quite the same I know but I suppose the aim is that it just sounds like the type of offer you'd make to any friend as opposed to sounding like "I've noticed you don't have..."

Thanks everyone

Would you be able to say that you have a bag of too small children's clothes, would they be of any use to her? If she says yes, just keep handing them down as and when you have them and maybe put a couple of unwanted toys in each bag too.

Nothing to add except you sound so lovely, your kindness shines out and has really cheered my Sunday ………..