Psychoanalyse me please

[LadyFatboobs]

Have NCd for this but it’s so outing I’ll be identified in moments.

Since meeting DH in 2015 we have had three children and four house moves. The children were all planned and are absolute dreamboats. It’s the house moves I need your feedback on.

• Moved N London to Kingston (late 2015)
• had DC1 in Kingston Maternity (early 2016)
• Moved over to Netherlands to find work and start exciting new life (June 2017)
• Came back with tail between legs and financially bust to Kingston Oct 2017
• had DC2 four weeks later (end Oct 2017)
• decision was made to move back to my home city of Aberdeen on finding I was pg with DC3
• We have been back a month and DC3 was born three weeks ago.

We left for good reason; we have a garden and space here, the school system isn’t intense like it is in SW London and the country and sea are both 20 mins away.

I’m just permanently freaked out that I’ve made a huge mistake and I want to run back with my little family to our place in Kingston.

Help. I know I’m a hormonal ball after having just had a baby too but I hate this feeling and it makes me think I’m cracked.

Is it just me? Am I defective in some way that makes me desperate to turn the clock back and just not move? Is it a common thing?

I think usually if you move it takes about 2 years to make it feel like "home". You have moved a lot in a little time with a lot of big life stuff happening, so I think you just need to take your time, give it a chance and review how you feel in 2 to 3 years time.

Coming back from Netherlands after going to seek a good life for yourself isn't something to be embarrassed about. Lots of people think "id like to live x" and don't do it.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Appreciate the comment re the Netherlands - that was a real heartbreaker but I was so relieved to get back to Kingston...

Are you surrounded by friends and family in Aberdeen - maybe having that support with 3 young children will be helpful?

What do you like about/ what makes you feel at home in Kingston? It seems like the move to Netherlands was led by your heart and to Aberdeen by your head. What can you find in Aberdeen to make your heart happy?

Re friends in Aberdeen: there are some; being away for so many years means I’m in the process of re-establishing these friendships and it can be hard trying to break into pre existing groups. But I will be doing the baby classes soon to try and maximise making new friends too.

I liked the containment of Kingston: a town in its own right but stuck onto London and not a dull suburb like (sorry guys) Tolworth or Chessington - where we would have had to move out to had we stayed. Our budget just couldn’t keep us in central Kingston.

Blatant bump for the night shift

Do you think where you lives reflects on who you are?

I moved back to my home town when my 1st child was 6months old - I sat on the floor and through what have I done, I only moved back to be near my mum. I was 23. This move meant I didn't have to go to work as the house was so much cheaper and bigger. I made a friend, then joined a baby group and began to be happy. Give yourself time you are tearing for what you knew rather than bedding in where your are, I admire people who move abroad for a new life then move back, because they tried and are "doers ". Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to be still and enjoy the moment. You have done a lot in 4 yrs

I was always happy to move and realised later in life that I wasn't a naturally happy person, so I was moving always believing I would have that great circle of friends/ get a better job/ feel happier when we moved to the new place.
But now realise that you have to enjoy life where you are. I didn't have a hugely happy childhood, and had some crazy views on being respected (due to DF's drinking). Some early counselling might have helped but I probably wouldn't have opened up to them honestly so it might not have worked (it would have been when mental health issues were something to be ashamed of).
But for you I would say the move away from pressured schooling was a good one. I think you will be too busy with your little ones to worry about another move, or regret where you are. Once they have their friends and are enjoying school I don't think you will regret anything. The weather is cold but your DCs won't notice it. I lived there when they were small and they only remember great picnics at the many beaches and paddling in the sea. And no awful SE traffic.

Oh gosh, Aberdeen sounds wonderful... Away from London traffic and overcrowding and overly competitive parenting /living!! Your kids will grow up with amazing memories of beaches and clean countryside. You will make friends, you will make a life, you'll be able to afford a decent standard of living. Give it time, do nice things, make your home homely.

To answer the above questions, i weirdly think I’d be happy if my life was 50/50 London and Aberdeen but obviously that’s not practical and now one of them is nit sustainable then it’s the other.

@MairzyDoats makes a decent point, agreed that the SE sprawl is something I don’t miss. Having to factor in two hours extra travel time to go to the Kent coast on a Bank Holiday I won’t miss at all.

Appreciate the nod re the move away from pressured schooling @QueenBeeee

That is the one thing I know without question will pay dividends down the line. I think because DD1 is struggling to settle in her new very different nursery and is talking a lot about her friends from Kingston it’s sending me into a “wtf have i put her through” spiral.

Her old nursery was absolutely brilliant and I miss it every day as we really bonded with her key workers and I was on the brink of making more mum friends I think. But it was HELLA expensive and I must put energy into making mum friends here and realise it’s a long game. Just hate feeling lonely and nostalgic.