Teen holiday angst

[girlofthenorth]

Have posted in travel but might get more traffic here

I need to sound off and possibly get some advice about how to handle this. I don't know if I am being unreasonable but I'm happy to be told I am, but gently.

We booked our one and only holiday this year to northern Spain, to a resort we all like. Me, DH , DD15 and DD 18.

DD15 is autistic and anxious and so happy DD18 wanted to go - holiday paid for travel plans made and paid for including hotel on the way, dates fixed around both children's need to go to a local festival. As this is a really big thing for them we said okay. DD18 has a chronic physical condition that makes her anxious when away from us .

DD18 now has partner living in area , and doesn't want to be without them for the holiday . Will miss and pine and now saying can't be bothered to go on holiday . Also she's says that now partner nearby she's no reason to be anxious whilst we are away .

I am fuming as money down the drain probably 250-300 so not a huge amount to some people but to us it's a lot . Also length of holiday would have been different plus travel plans . Due to DD18 being the main one who wanted to go to festival - DD15 could have persuaded .

Not to mention disappointment to DD15 who has no friends to bring .

I know if I get angry about the situation it might not go the way I want it to but equally I'm not sure if I want the old IDD to be so key on holiday. I'm not really sure which way to go with this – i.e. say no it's fine just leave it don't worry, don't come but you'll have to pay some of the money back as money is a stretch for us, or say she has to come now we have made plans and put up with sulking . She's supposed to be an adult but acting like a 10 year old !
Help!

You’re not being unreasonable - I’d be equally as annoyed. I’d probably be quite firm and insist as best I could that she joins in with the family holiday. As you’ve said, it’s a resort you all like so once you’re there, I doubt she’ll be sulking. Even if she DOES sulk for a little bit, at least your autistic DD will be happier and have some company

Even though she claims that she won’t get anxious about her physical condition in your absence, you can’t be too sure. You and your DH do not want to spoil your holiday by worrying whether or not she’s coping back at home.

YANBU. You have considered both dd's' needs and plans whilst trying to sort out a holiday that everyone could enjoy. Your dd1 really doesn't know that she'll be fine with her partner & a lot could happen between now & then. She should join you on the holiday, she'll probably be ok when she's there. Maybe tell her it's the last holiday she'll be expected to go on & it means a lot to dd2. Hope it all works out

Yanbu. Does she work? She comes or she pays you for the ticket imo.

As an aside are you talking about carnival in Tossa? I took 14yo autistic ds there last year and he absolutely loved it - especially as he loves all things lights!

She’s 18? There’s nothing you can do as she’s an adult and I think she needs to feel that her choices are respected.

You could ask for something towards the cost as she had initially agreed but you have to let her decide herself if she will go or not

Thankyou - no she doesn't have a job atm due to disability and FT student but gets a large allowance and we are generous within our means.
So I think you are right about asking something towards cost if she decided not to come - becoming an adult is partly taking responsibility for decisions isn't it ?

No not carnival in Tossa though that sounds great !

I wouldn’t make her come as she’ll drag you all down on holiday by being morose and dramatic about wishing she wasn’t there.

Let her not go on the promise she pays something towards reimbursing you for the cost. That can be as big of as small a contribution as you see for and paid back at once or over time.

Then whilst you’re away she might become anxious but will have to accept that it was her decision to stay behind. Make it final that you will not have her contact you unduly and spoil your holiday and you will only listen to emergency problems.

Of course it’s up to you to them check in with her to see how she is.

Yes def think owning your decisions as an adult means being accountable if costs are incurred due to indecision or changing your mind