Please help- DH doesn't get coercive control / Sally Challen

[despairingwife]

Saw the news tonight that Sally Challen's appeal had been successful and she's been released after 9 years in prison after killing her husband. This is after a 40 year marriage during which she was subjected to coercive control by her husband. She suffered from various mental health disorders at the time- unsurprisingly.

Saw the news and punched the air as I was so thrilled. DH questioned why and then cue a long discussion, which turned into a v. heated discussion / row about this. We never argue so I'm feeling crap. DH (who used to work in law) maintains that prison is there to deter others, set an example and punish people for committing crimes, even if there are circumstances which diminish that crime to a lesser one, eg manslaughter. He maintains that it can't be seen as acceptable for a person (even when abused) to kill another.

My argument was that Sally Challen should never have been in prison. I don't see the value to society or the taxpayer in locking her up, or the value to her own wellbeing or rehabilitation, or to her family (as supported by her two sons). But DH insisted she should have served some time. I felt like he was dismissing coercive control. I said, did he realise she had probably been raped throughout her marriage, (in addition to the rest of the awful behaviour she was subjected to). He immediately looked up the definition of coercive control and said it was very vague. I feel like he is trying to undermine this!

I am incensed! He has gone into the other room to use his computer. I'm left in the living room having made a nice dinner for us both tonight.

Just letting off steam really! But any thoughts?

She served 9 years, was that not enough for him ?

She DID serve eight years in prison so she was punished.

Yes that's right! I think he was saying she ought to have served something. I was saying she should never have served anything.

She wasn't found innocent. She was found guilty of man slaughter and has served a very long sentence for that. She has been punished and has set an example to others. So what he would like to happen, has, in fact, happened. So why's he pissed off?

Fab that that's the end of the matter for her though, although I'm sure it'll be years before it's really over for her emotionally. If ever.

So DH has a different opinion to you? What is so wrong with that. Especially with such a controversial case.

@PodgeBod very true! Just felt so infuriated! Not usual for us either.

Thank goodness he's not in law anymore then!

Looking at in black and white she killed him when she could have left/run away instead.

But it’s not black and white because her thinking was impaired by years of abuse.

A mitigating excuse for killing someone? That is up for debate and each case must be carefully explored.

Was there opportunity and resources for her her to leave him?

Did she kill him to stop the abuse or to avenge the abuse?

There is a lot to consider.

Personally I feel that if she had to be punished within the constraints of the law then 9 years was more than enough and I’m glad she is now free.

A lot of people don’t understand coercive control. Sally Challoner says she still loves her husband and misses him, and I can’t get my head round that. But I think I would be annoyed at your husbands reaction!

(It worries me how many posters here bandy around advice to LTB when that is the most dangerous time for women in relationships with perpetrators).

Weren't they actually separated and living apart when she killed him? But thinking about getting back together.

Yes they were separated. My point was that if there is coercive control going on then any attempt to regain control is likely to be dangerous, so advocating behaviour which challenges the abuser is not good advice and can just add to the victim feeling bullied. It’s a bit of a bugbear of mine on here.

In Sally’s case she had left but of course the abuse doesn’t usually just stop then.

I think it is right she served some time. I don't think the murder charge was ever right.

No one understands this kind of relationship unless you have lived this kind of relationship.