Ex bulimics - how did you stop?

[Pipps35]

I’ve been bulimic since I was 14 (21 years), it’s getting pretty tiresome now.

I spent my childhood being overweight, I’m from the AOL homepage generation and pro anorexia sites weren't shut down yet. It didn’t make me bulimic but having it there to search for and read definitely spurred me on. I spent years on those things.

I got to a stage where I didn’t make myself sick for 3 years, I was strict with food and I exercised just enough. I was never happy though, always thought I could be thinner... I was a size 6-8 and always thought I was the fattest person in any room. I can’t really make anyone understand what an eating disorder is like but that’s how it is. Logically you know you’re not seriously overweight but that is how you think and that is what you see..is a bit all consuming.

My best friend is a size 18-20, she is beautiful, she is fierce, she is brilliant and she is the best person in this world... so why am I equating fat with ugly?

It’s out of control just now. After a binge I just think, why? Why do I do this? What can’t I stop? I sometimes cry on the way up the stairs to make myself sick.

I can’t stop. I’ve just had a glass of wine and about 1/4 of DS left over pizza and I’m willing myself not to throw up. I can’t think of anything else but going to make myself sick. How do I embrace the feeling of fullness? How did you stop yourself? What can I do?

I had NLP (neuro linguistic programming) which sounds freaky but is a lot like hypnosis. I had it in 2005 and haven’t lapsed yet, it totally changed how I think about it and I just can’t go there in my head any more.

I’m not saying it cured my ED but it cured my bulimia if that makes sense. I still freak out about food, track and think about what I eat but I’m unable to consider purging and I obsessive nature of it isn’t there anymore.

I'm about your age and still struggle with it too. Just when I think it's gone or congratulate myself on doing well, it comes back again. I'm so sorry that you're going through this OP It is horrible and although I purge a lot less right now, I still struggle with that full feeling and sense of helplessness.

Have you tried talking to Beat? Their support workers all have experience of eating disorders. Have you told your GP? I know that can be really tough but often the first step to gaining some control of your ED, I found that CBT really helped and that was through GP referral. I hope you can get some help because the feeling of control then helplessness is overwhelming at times. You are not alone with this.

I'm a medic, have kept it a secret all my life. Totally embarrassed to explain to anyone in my life, it comes and goes. I know why, I even go to the supermarket and pick " bulimic foods" as in those that I know I can throw up easily, but I wouldn't even eat normally.
My drive to purge comes and goes, but I notice a definite turbulant relationships and purging.

You poor thing OP

I totally sympathise. I would say that both allowing and making sure I eat 3 meals plus a couple of snacks a day is what made a huge difference to me. Then I don't get the really hungry feeling which means I end up eating too much and then purging. Neither do I get too full if I know it is one normal meal. Very difficult to allow yourself to eat even a normal days worth of food but well worth trying to do.

Good luck!

I’m in my 30s and have struggled with bulimia since I was about 15. It’s probably my darkest secret and the thing I’m most ashamed of. Nobody knows. As a teen I was very underweight as I’d purge everything but now it’s not happening everyday and I’m a normal weight.

For me it will come in waves where I may have a week where the binge/ purge cycle is happening daily but then may have weeks where it doesn’t happen but I don’t see that I will ever be able to stop completely as when I’m feeling low it is such a compulsion and purging comes incredibly easily now, I’m not sticking fingers down my throat so I think it’s easier for me to normalise it.

I saw a psychiatrist last year regarding other MH issues and for the first time I mentioned it. She sent a letter to my GP suggesting a referral to an eating disorder clinic but when I went to see my GP he dismissed the referral saying that obviously wasn’t necessary. I’m too embarrassed to bring it up again but I think there is help available if you’re able to talk to yours.