DP and depression

[Imstickingwiththisone]

About 5 years ago my DP had depression and anxiety. He recovered and CBT helped a lot. He was off work for a while due to it.

Since then he's been ok but he dips 2-3 times a year. It doesn't last too long, and he gets through it himself. He usually takes some time off work and tries to avoid family life TBH. He's a good dad but struggles with daily life with children and the lack of metime. He pulls his weight with everything, it just takes its toll on him.

We're having another dip now. Popped up out of nowhere and find myself just trying to keep the DC away from him so he can be alone. I don't bother asking him questions as he only speaks when he's ready.

I feel a bit worn out with it TBH. It has a big impact on my mood and feeling like I should try to disappear in my own house.

I'm just letting off steam here because it's not something I discuss with anyone in real life. We've been through this before and this time I just think I can't be bothered. I wonder if he's ever genuinely better or if his good times are just 'not awful'. Money is shit, our relationship is lacking. I honestly feel like asking him to move out for 6 months so he can get his me time. So I can carry on with my life without having all the joy drained from it. See if he can get truly better and then build our relationship again properly. I can't suggest this it would break his heart and would probably be the end of us.

Thanks for reading my pointless post.

Ok I'm gonna bump even though I'm not sure what I want out of this thread.

Just feel lonely, fed up and selfish all at the same time!

I didn’t want to read and run. It sounds really tough for you. As if he is checking out of the relationship for a while and leaving you to shoulder everything now and then. Does he receive any other treatment?

I suffer from depression and recognise your husband’s pattern. Since having dc I took the decision to take anti depressants so that I don’t have to zone out from family for a few days/ weeks every so often, and can remain more consistent. I think it’s better for the kids that way. I’m not saying that’s the right thing for hour husband but perhaps he need to look at other strategies as this one is putting too much strain on family life

Thank you alostpainting I appreciate the insight.

It's not even the fact he's not chipping in, it just changes the whole dynamic of the house. To get better he tries to do things, to try to get some passion and enjoyment out of his life I suppose. So he will go for lots of walks, do some painting and drawing, listen to new music. The DC want to know why he's in his room all the time, or if he's in the kitchen I try to keep them out the way so he gets some solitude, dc want to know why they can't go with him when he goes out etc

When things are 'good' I feel like I can't broach a lot of subjects because this might rear its head again. He always sleeps on the couch because he sleeps better there and if he's tired it might set things spiralling. It feels like a constant presence.

I'd love for that consistency you've got, but antidepressants don't appeal to him and he thinks this way is better, but it just doesn't last.

I suffer from depression and had a very severe bout over a decade ago. I had some intensive CBT and group therapy. I was lucky that I had very good private medical insurance through my job at the time - I am eternally grateful to that employer as it changed my life. It helped massively, and gave me the tools to manage my depression going forward. I now recognise the signs when things are getting on top of me and take immediate action to prevent them getting worse and to dig myself out of the black hole I risk falling into. That includes doing lots of exercise, getting in touch with nature and the small pleasures in life and talking to people (even though this may be the last thing I want to do!). And being kind to myself and others. These coping mechanisms work really well for me although it has taken me years to understand what actually works.

I understand how difficult it must be for you living with someone with depression. It's a very selfish illness I'm afraid. It does sound like your DP is not managing it particularly well. The pattern of having to take time off work and lock yourself away from the world is all too recognisable. I used to be like this. I'd hold it together for about a year before I'd crack and need time off work again. Work stress was massive contributing factor for me.

It can be hard to get through to people with depression but I think your DP needs to work out what his triggers are and how he can better manage them. He may need professional help to do this. I think you should be honest with him and tell him how badly this is affecting you and your family life, and ask him to get some help. It may be that talking to someone would help you too. You say it would break his heart but isn't he breaking YOUR heart right now?

antidepressants don't appeal to him

I'm sorry OP but he needs a kick up the backside for this attitude. When you describe what a cloud he is over you and your family life, him finding anti-depressants unappealing is beyond selfish. The majority of people with depression struggle to get better without some help from anti-depressants. Scientific advice (supported by some well regarded psychiatrists) shows that depression can be as a result of a chemical imbalance. This doesn't miraculously fix itself.

Don't get me wrong. I am no fan of taking anti-depressants. I have tried many over the years and the majority have made me (physically) feel rotten. Trying to find one that works for you can be a miserable process (although some people get lucky straight away). But I understand that when you are in a dark place, sometimes you need some chemical help to give you the strength to find your way back to the light. If he wants to work with you to save his relationship and get back what you had, he needs to be willing to put some effort in and try finding an anti-depressant that works for him. It's not fair on you or your children for him to waft around the house wanting silence yet not be willing to take some steps to help himself. I feel quite angry on your behalf and I'm sorry you're having to put up with this.

Thank you hundreds I'm so grateful for these responses. He does try to tackle it head on, doing what you've recommended (except for talking but he's just not a chatty person anyway!). I've suggested going to CBT again but he says he still uses what he learnt back then so he wouldn't gain anything.

Work is a massive factor. We're a bit stuck because of money issues. I've suggested he drops to 4 days but he says his workload wouldn't decrease and it would make him worse. I've been supportive of the idea he changes field of work but it would mean a big drop in pay and he has a lot of debt and he hates the idea of starting new with new people.

We'd afford a drop in pay better if he quit smoking but thats always on the backburner while there are these things going on.

It's like nothing changes, we just keep going round and round.

What a selfish twat! So he wants you And the children to bed over backwards to do what he needs to keep him healthy, but he’s not prepared to do anything for them.You can’t spend the rest of your life propping him up and sacrificing your own mood to do so. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health and go to the doctor and get some antidepressants. You are not responsible for his mental health.

Ah hadn't seen your second post I'm a slow typer! He only tried one AD and his reaction was a strange one and put him off.

I think he needs to try again too. This is what I'm going to have to try to get across to him.

I can feel your frustration through your post and I don't blame you. His responses are classic depression sufferer answers i.e. nothing can be done so no point trying.

But I think for your sake, he has to try. Even if he believes it won't make a difference (because this is the depression talking).

He only tried one AD and his reaction was a strange one and put him off.

I'm sorry but you need to tell him not to be such a big baby. A lot of anti-depressants have unpleasant side-effects and they make you feel rubbish. But you keep bloody taking them for long enough to find out if they help you (or not). By which point the side effects usually have worn off anyway. This cycle takes 4-6 weeks generally. If you get to 6 weeks and there's no mood improvement, you can try a different anti-depressant and the 6 week cycle starts again. Or your GP increases your dosage and you try again. There WILL be one that works for him. He just needs to be willing to try. But he really isn't trying at all and instead all the stress and all the unhappiness is landing on you and your children and that's beyond selfish of him.

He's definitely a big baby!! When I say he took one AD I mean literally one pill and he was so dizzy he couldn't walk. In hindsight it was possibly a really bad panic attack, we just hadn't put two and two together by then and it was such a long time ago now I'd forgot. Penny drop moment!

I feel more hopeful now. There are going to be some difficult conversations and hard times but it's an attempt to change things at least. I need to open up about my feelings, DP has no idea but I don't want to put pressure on him so will tread carefully.

It's a shame antidepressants take so long to work, it is a gruelling process to find the right one. It must be so disheartening.

When I say he took one AD I mean literally one pill and he was so dizzy he couldn't walk.

OMFG! You have the patience of a saint. You deserve a medal for putting up with him. (As you can tell, whilst I'm sympathetic to depression, patience is not one of my virtues )

I think you're bang on the money. Tell him how you feel. He needs to understand the impact on you and your children. And then he needs to get some help. If he helps himself, he helps all of you.

I'm glad you're feeling more hopeful. Don't be afraid to give him a kick up the backside if/when he needs it.

I do a good job of coming across as patient but in my head I'm giving a major bollocking 😂

I will have to let some of that surface now as biting my tongue has got us nowhere. Hopefully it's a welcome reality check.

Thank you hundreds you've been really helpful in gaining a better perspective. I'll re-read this tomorrow for a kick up the arse and make me crack on with things.