DS stole someone's watch

[blackcat2345]

NC as could be outing

Phone call from Head of Year yesterday to tell me that DS (13) had admitted taking a watch left on a desk. Apparently he had then shown it to his mates on the field at lunch but then got worried, left it on the grass and walked away

The watch's owner then got wind and went to find the watch, by which time it had been damaged, probably by being trampled on.

HoY is speaking to the parents today about what action they want taking but clearly we also need to discipline DS. We are so ashamed, this isn't his 1st misdemeanour, albeit his 1st serious one. Every time we think we've turned a corner then bam, we're hit with another incident.

He will obvious pay to replace the watch - DH wants the Xbox to be sold to finance this. Have also told DS that the school and boy's parents would be well within their rights to call the police, He has written letters of apology to the boy and HoY.

More of a venting than anything else but would welcome thoughts.

Key here is that he has to feel the consequence

When our son did something along these lines he lost his phone for 2 months - plus wrote apologies - plus replaced items with own funds - and you need to stick to it - you must have consequences that mean something to him

I write from experience. I went through a spate of shoplifting when I was in my early teens. I think it happens because of other issues that might be happening elsewhere. Or the child is just not happy or maybe a little bored. It might be not a huge issue in the long term. Don't go too hard on the punishment he probably realises what he did was wrong. You mentioned other misdemeanours, what were they? Also remember boys are different they do these types of things. When people read my comments I'm sure many will say "oh no not my son ,he would never do that " but your son is just showing that he is human. People make mistakes, keep the lines of communication open. And don't sell his Xbox. He will resent you !

Hi OP - (I have a background of relevance to this but can't go into details) I have dealt with this situation a lot.

I know you are shocked upset and probably ashamed of what he has done - and there is a good chance that your DS is too. In my experience, this behaviour starting at around puberty has some reason that is rarely connected with outright criminality. For example, he may be being bullied. He may have been dared. He may be trying to impress someone. (If I had a pound for every young person I've spoken to who ended up in gangs or trouble because of a desire to fit in and to belong I would be very rich now and not on Mumsnet ). He may have poor impulse control and once he took it he wasn't sure what to do next. He may be in debt to someone and needs to pay them - you may find that idea strange but I have dealt with a number of youngsters of the same age range who have begun to get into debt to older pupils - for all sorts of items both legal and illegal. There are lots of triggers for this type of behaviour and risk taking that news to be investigated. There is a risk that if you label a kid as a thief and as untrustworthy at this early stage that they will live up to the billing. Equally, if you tell DS you are disappointed in him then you may find that he begins to expect to disappoint. If he won't talk to you about what was going on and going through his head then he needs to find an adult who he trusts who he can talk to - another relative or a teacher perhaps. Someone who he can speak to in confidence. I would remove the x box - but as someone has said, hide it - and then deal with the bigger picture. He is writing a letter of apology so that should be enough said - we would not expect more than an apology and compensation to be offered. As I say, it is the bigger picture that needs consideration. Hope that is helpful.

£150 for a watch in school is ridiculous. Personally I would take away games/internet at home for a good few months until behaviour improves as well as look into some private counselling as your son sounds like he needs some help.

I wouldn't however, offer to replace the watch. Maybe a token amount of £30 towards a new one but £150 is a lot of money! If a parent wants to spend that and send their child to school with it on then that child should learn the value of money and not lose expensive things!

The victim blamers are out in force I see.
Would it be less serous if the boys watch was worth £20??
The Op’s son is a thief. That’s the issue here .

that child should learn the value of money and not lose expensive things!

He didn’t lose it. He left it on his desk. The op’s son took it.

@Wildorchidz I didn't read it carefully I see! I thought OP's son found it and kept it.

My response still stands though, I'd recommend therapy for OP's son & give a token amount towards a new watch. I wouldn't be able to afford £150 for someone else's child! Rather spend that on therapy to help the son not do it again.

Yes to @BCBG and to @analieninblackburn

You just talk to gym when he is ready - tell him that you love him - make the conversation separate to the consequences - when this happened with our son he just wanted to "fit in" - it was so desperately sad - but we talked it through and ultimately it enabled us to talk about true friends and self image and what he thought was important

Hang in there - remember their brains are on upgrade through puberty and the emotional bit gets upgraded waaaaaay before the reasoning and decision making bit - this means they have not great impulse control and emotions rule the roost - consequences and love ❤️

£150 for a child’s watch is obscene.

This is a 13 year old teenager though, not a youngster. Most carry phones on them worth at least this. They have tablets, X Boxes and laptops worth more.

If you have a sensible teenager who generally looks after their property then why can't they have a watch that costs a little more? You can't live your life think what if someone steals it, else you'd never have anything.

Smart watches in particular aren't cheap and could easily cost this and a lot more.

Besides it doesn't matter how much the watch cost. That was the choice of the child and the parent involved. It was the OP's son who took the watch - the teenage owner didn't lose it or damage it did he? So, regardless of the cost of the watch that teenager remains the victim of the 'crime' and deserves to have his property returned.

Maybe the watch was a Fitbit or other smart watch. Then a fairly basic one could easily have come in at £100 - £150. Plenty of kids do have these in secondary school. My DD did as she liked to use it during athletics and sports lessons. It is irrelevant the whys and wherefores of the type and cost of the watch, as the boy stole it and must now face consequences.

I would well the Xbox and all games. I would pay that money to the other child's parents and then would make DS hand over his pocket money every week for them until the remainder was cleared. I wouldn't be inclined to replace said Xbox or games for a very long time and would make him do lots of chores. He wouldn't be going out with his friends in the near future either, as he would be grounded except for going to school.

Sell the Xbox, not well. Best not to throw it down a well. Stupid autocorrect!!!

spanielove

So the teenage owner loses out because another child decided to take his property. Not sure that is a good lesson to be teaching a young lad who has been caught out stealing.

And the OP's son can afford to replace it if he sees his Xbox and games.

The watch might have been a birthday present £150 for something like a pp said is usual ,kids have iphones these days

@BCBG speaks total sense, you need to speak to your son and LISTEN

What else has been going on and when did it start?

It sounds more like he wants to fit in and took it to impress others. Doesn't make it right but it doesn't make him a bad, thieving kid either. Kids his age are going through so much.

I think if it was my son I'd pay the money to the parents or buy the replacement (whichever is cheaper) and my son would work to pay me back by doing jobs round the house. Perhaps using this time to spend with him.

I wouldn't sell his xbox or phone as these things are really important to a child's wellbeing.

Keep an open dialogue with him and make sure he knows we all make mistakes or bad decisions but it's how we make them right again that matters.

It was a watch that doesn't seem readily available anymore so think the £150 will be for something similar.

Whilst it was DS who took the watch, I suspect it would've gone walk about regardless as it had been left laying around.

Don't send money. Ask for a link to what watch it is and replace yourselves. Ds can then confirm it definitely was that watch!

I wouldn't sell x box. But I'd remove it. Use it as a carrot for good behaviour.

For earning the money to replace watch then has to give up things. Cinema trips etc and also do jobs.

Problem is when they do impulsive stupid things and then are honest about what they did if they get no recognition for the honesty it discourages them in future from being honest.

He was wrong and he knows it. He now needs the opportunity to do the right thing and get rewarded for it.

I would sit him down and ask how he is going to finance the watch replacement.

Give him options or let him come up with his own.

But he has to get it replaced next week, and then repay the debt to whoever [you/grandparents/savings] or sell stuff to pay for it.

Whilst it was DS who took the watch, I suspect it would've gone walk about regardless as it had been left laying around.

Please don't make excuses for your son. Don't start blaming the other teen. It doesn't matter what might have happened in this instance. Your son DID take it and it was lost because of your son's actions, no one else's on this occasion.

Certainly not making excuses, the responsibility sits squarely with DS.

Just being realistic, especially when expensive items get taken into school.

Don't send money. Ask for a link to what watch it is and replace yourselves. Ds can then confirm it definitely was that watch!

Do not do this. What if the op’s son claims it was a different watch?
Why are people so keen to absolve the culprit ??

youarenotkiddingme excellent advice!

Many teens would pick up a misplaced item left laying around and then panic afterwards, many teens are impulsive and don’t think about consequences until they get caught.
I agree with op that there was every chance another child would have picked it up, she is not excusing her child.
Kids nick things and always have done, why are only 2 school kids at a time allowed in some sweet shops??
Ops son does not need therapy, why does everybody need bloody therapy for everything these days!
Teens are like toddlers, they are learning right from wrong still. Ops son knows what he has done is wrong and by the sounds of it is genuinely sorry.
I wouldn’t hand over cash op, I would ask if I could replace the watch myself and if that particular model wasn’t available I would buy something similar.
Also, all the other kids, teachers and some parents will have heard about this incident, I hope it doesn’t have repercussions on ops son during the rest of his school life.
Kids make mistakes, they are allowed to make mistakes, they need to learn from them but not with heavy handed discipline. Selling the Xbox is too heavy handed in my opinion.

Not everything’s about money, is it?

That watch might be the one expensive item that child owns.
It might have been bought for him as a special reward or birthday present.
It might have sentimental value.
It might have been bought by a loved family member.

Theft is a crime against people at the end of the day. Buying another one doesn’t make it right.

To imply that it should be somehow expected or that his parents are chancers is fairly appalling.

To imply that it should be somehow expected or that his parents are chancers is fairly appalling.

Totally agree with this.

Sounds like you're handling it well OP.

I don't think I'd be doing anything differently.

It's encouraging that he's showing remorse / feeling guilt for his actions and has written letters of apology. It's a start, isn't it. Hope you're doing ok.