How do I help someone when they act this way?

[flamed12]

My OH has lost a friend to suicide two days ago and will lose his grandparent to old age in the next couple of days.

He’s clearly upset and hurting and confused. I’m hurting too as I’m in shock and confused and feel ill thinking about his friend who I also knew.

I was crying and he can’t understand it. He acts angry and confused about why I’m crying. It’s hurt me so much to think of his friend and I just can’t stop thinking about it. He seems to think it’s pathetic that I’m so upset.

He hasn’t cried (to me anyway). Puts on a defensive brave face. Blames the friends girlfriend for the death and launches into a tirade of abuse towards her when we both know he was a troubled character albeit very lovable.

He’s cold towards me and I am stuck with how to react towards him. I feel almost weird to give him a cuddle and say are you ok. I’m here for you. He’s like yes I’m okay! And it’s a strange well ok then.

Help?

Not wishing to be mean, but why are you trying to hijack his misery? You write: his friend I knew. So not your friend per se. Let him come to terms with it all in his own time.

Grief affects people in different ways. Anger is a normal reaction. Being cold and putting on a brace face is normal. It’s only been two days and he’s waiting for someone else to die.

Give him a break.

I’m not trying to hijack his grief. I’m genuinely upset. I knew him well. He wasn’t my friend but he was in our house, went for dinners, been part of our life. I’m hurt too and he’s angry when I’m crying.

I’m trying to help him. I just don’t know how to when he’s pushing me away. But thanks i guess it’s just a waiting game.

He struggles with grief in general. Lost both parents before me and I know nothing about them. Our kids know nothing. He tenses up when I ask about them. So it’s unusual to me and I struggle as I want to be close with him. To help him.

Sometimes it doesn’t help to have someone fussing over you when you are upset.

Some people cope better by getting on with life and grieve without any drama.

You sound very caring and want to console him but it’s not what your partner wants at the moment so you must respect that.

You need to give him some space OP. We all react to losing someone we care about in different ways and some people (more often men imo) don’t like showing vulnerability. You can’t force him to open up.
Be a bit extra kind and patient and give him a bit of time. You can’t really solve this one for him much as you might like to I’m afraid.

Thanks.

I take it all on board. I’m so emotional and always feel better after a good cry so find it difficult when he’s so closed. But it’s good to have someone say to me - leave it, don’t push it and he’s coping how he wants to and that’s ok. So thank you for that I feel like I actually needed to hear that.