Please could you tell me about your 2-3 year age gap between children?

[Asarabacca]

We have an amazing 1 year old DD and would love to give her a brother or sister but are deliberating on the timings.

I know that there's no "ideal" age gap as there are so many factors and pluses and minuses but at the moment my primary concern is how it will affect our DD. Of course we know it may take us a long time to conceive (it took a year without DD with a miscarriage in between)

I had read that 2 is probably one of the more difficult ages to have a new baby and that perhaps 3 might be better (though clearly different families will have different experiences)

Please could you tell me a bit about your family and how your first born seemed to find it?

There's 13 months between my eldest two and my eldest was very jealous when his brother first came and it was hard I won't lie. There is three years between my middle and youngest child, both of my boys were great when their baby sister came along wanted to help do everything.

Every child is different though to how they handle the arrival of a new sibling. Some friends had it bad with hitting and throwing tantrums because they weren't getting all the attention anymore.

There is three years and three months between mine.

DS was well aware that a baby was coming and when she first arrived he was lovely, insisting on holding her etc. Then the novelty wore off and for a few months we had typical behaviour associated with the arrival of a new sibling, with toilet training regression and acting up for attention. We tried to make sure that he had lots of one to one time to help him through it, and we found that he became a lot more dependent on my husband (he was previously very much a Mummy's boy).

Now they are six and three and they squabble constantly. Very rarely they will play together but it almost always ends in tears. They are chalk and cheese and I don't think it's so much the age difference as the personality difference that causes a lot of their battles.

I agree totally that every child and situation is different - my daughter was 2 and a half when my son was born and it was perfect, she was excited and caring and just independent enough to take off some of the pressure. But my son is now nearly 2 and a half and I can't imagine he would be the same!

Thanks. At the moment she seems to love other children and babies especially, always tries to give them a kiss - but in a year she might be totally different and it's a completely different situation having the baby here permanently taking some attention away from her.

I find that hard as the idea of her self esteem taking any kind of knock is something I really want to avoid.

My son was 2 and has been great. We prepared him, we read up on how best to introduce the baby / treat him afterwards. It's all worked out really well (not that there isn't the odd jealousy here and there). It probably depends on the child but it's so easy to overthink stuff like this, I know I did. Good luck with whatever you decide!

We hoped for a gap of 2.5-3 years and started ttc when dd1 was 18 months. We ended up with exactly 3.5 years between them.

I worried right through my pregnancy that maybe the bigger gap would make it harder for them to play together. Now I am so glad it worked out this way. Dd1 didn't walk until 2 and is SO much more independent now. She is also a child that needs a lot of reassurance, so we had 6 months to talk about the new baby with her being old enough to ask lots of questions and express insecurities we were able to resolve. She is lovely with her baby sister.

But that's my firstborn - my nephews are 2.5 years apart and that has worked really well for them.

It's easy to say and hard to do,but try not to worry too much. The fact that you are thinking so much about the impact on your daughter shows that you will meet her needs whatever the age gap turns out to be.

I have three with a three-year gap both times. We were aiming for a 2 to 2 and a half-year gap but ended up with three years. In fact I was kept in hospital for a week after middle one's birth and was distraught at missing eldest's third birthday (we opened some presents in the hospital). It was easier in some ways because the older ones were old enough to be quite helpful when I was doing things with the baby but the eldest did resent the middle one for a long time (years) which might be due to being an only child for three years or might be due to clashing personalities. A 3-year gap twice also meant ten years of nappies. It was also difficult when they were smaller to find things everyone was able to do together and we split them up between parents quite a lot. They didn't play much together and I had to stop younger ones wrecking older ones' games and younger ones being bossed about too much.

However, now they are older (17, 14, 11), the gap has meant they are at different stages of life and are very supportive of each other. They have never been competitive rivals. They pass down clothes cheerfully rather than stealing them. I am one of three with two-year gaps and we were much more jealous and vying for attention. It might be due to parenting or that one of the unexpected side-effects of divorce means that my three have bonded as the family unit separate from their parents, but I also think having the bigger gap meant we had to treat them as individuals with their own different needs more, even though that was time-consuming and difficult when they were smaller, and I think that was a good thing in the long run.

Mine are 2.5 years apart and it's been fine until the eldest got to 13. They're going through a period of readjustment as the oldest has turned into a teen permanently fixed to her phone, with no time for her little brother who still wants to play. It's a bit sad really, but we've compensated by having his friends over more and he's grown up a little so they're coming back together again. Up until then, it's mostly been good. They're close enough in age to have shared interests, and far enough apart to have their own friends. There's two school years between them which is also good as it means the end is in sight for primary school days. I may regret it the year one is doing GCSEs and the other is doing A levels though!

Mine are 4 and 6 and almost exactly two years to the day, I've found it really easy, they're into the same things so play together nicely, day trips are simple, clothes can be passed down without having to pack them away for years, they get along with each others friends.

When the youngest was born the eldest took out in her stride, I could take them both to playgroup and eldest was old enough to occupy herself.

I'm hoping it'll carry on as they get older and it'd be lovely if they go out together and keep their close relationship.

I think there is an element that is out of your control. I would have had a smaller gap, but it took ages to fall pregnant second time. You can choose your minimum gap but not so much you maximum.

Mine are 2.25 years apart, but fall as 3 school years. They are fighting like cat and dog at the moment, but have had times when they've played beautifully together. Oldest liked youngest and understood what was going on when they were born.

22 month gap here. Early days as the baby is only four months but dd1 has been amazing. Absolutely adores her baby sister, helps get wipes out for nappy changes, brings me things if I ask her to when I’m pinned breastfeeding. I honestly think she doesn’t remember life before baby arrived so has accepted her with little fuss and much excitement.

However...we have noticed she’s started to sometimes be jealous of the attention the baby gets, she wants ‘her’ daddy when he comes home etc. It’s never aimed at the baby but she does sometimes get grumpy with us if we can’t give her attention straight away. Is that just her being 2 though? Who knows!

It is absolutely exhausting though, even though they get on. Baby nappies, night feeds, toddler potty training, toddler tantrums all at once. Part of me thinks a three year gap might have been better, part of me is glad to just be getting it all over and done with and hoping for calmer times ahead

I also know someone with a similar gap who can’t leave the toddler and baby alone together even for a minute as the toddler will literally hit the baby through resentment. That must be so hard practically and emotionally. Just depends on their personalities I suppose!

Thanks for these replies. It sounds like some toddlers have taken it really well, I'd love to think that DD would too as she seems fascinated with the babies we've seen out but I guess we just won't know.

Agree that it's out of our control a little - she is due some medical treatment that will be quite hard so we want to make sure it's long before or after a sibling arrives so that she has time to adjust and it isn't a double whammy but we don't know when that will be yet either (some time in the next few years) so it's tricky to plan

Out of our control completely rather- other than deciding the minimum gap!