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Can you forgive someone ghosting you?

21 replies

CowslipFlower · 04/06/2019 22:13

Have been ghosted by someone I have been good friends with for over 30 years. I literally had no idea what I could have done to offend. No arguments. Neither of us relied on each other for emotional support, so not that either. Haven't seen her for over 2 years. I felt extremely depressed about bring ghosted, but came to terms with it as no choice not to.
Now, all this time and hurt later, said friend has texted out of the blue to say that I have done nothing wrong and she had been dealing some difficult issues. She said that it is nothing terrible.

AIBU to not want to try and get friendship going again? I was so immeasurably wounded about being totally ignored without explanation all this time that I don't feel I have it in me to re-establish our friendship again.I don't know what the difficult issues were but she says that they were nothing terrible. I have just texted back to say sorry to hear that she had been up against it and left it at that.

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sotired2 · 04/06/2019 22:18

I think I would have to go very carefully at 1st and perhaps make it clear how i had felt.

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DragonTrainer3 · 04/06/2019 22:24

Normally I'd try to be understanding if someone was busy or going through something, but two years?

I'd be very wary there.

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CowslipFlower · 04/06/2019 23:01

It may be the case that my friend isn't trying to restart the friendship in any case as she hadn't asked to meet. She just said in her text that she valued my friendship and said that her not bring in touch was nothing to do with anything I have done. Just feel that she could have put me out of my misery 2 years ago and it's too little, too late.

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AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/06/2019 23:07

I'd be very wary as well, it's pretty awful to ghost someone for so long after over 30 years of friendship.

I think your response was perfect, just leave it and see what happens. If she does want to meet up, see you feel and certainly don't put yourself out. It's on her to the running if she wants to rekindle the friendship.

I have a friend of 20 years who's also been "off" with me for months. I left her a voicemail a couple of weeks ago, no response so I'm leaving it. If she wants to get back in touch, she will. I also have no idea what I have/haven't done to cause this!

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AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/06/2019 23:09

Sorry, missed some words out. "See how you feel" and "on her to do the running." I'm tired!

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CowslipFlower · 04/06/2019 23:12

AmICrazyorWhat2 I do sympathise. It's the not knowing what you have done that is do hard to come to terms with.

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CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 05/06/2019 01:06

Having been ghosted twice by far lesser friendships, I can imagibe how raw you feel. But I say give her the benefit of the doubt, but don't put down your defences entirely

I had a lovely friend and ended up not keeping in contact because I became very ill. I haven't ghosted her. Just keeping in contact became difficult and stretches of time between contact became longer and longer.

Problem is the more time has passed the worse I feel about getting back in touch. And the guilt means I get paralysed and do nothing.

Her getting in contact means she's likely been thinking about you, feeling awful and has finally plucked up courage to tell you she's sorry and that your friendship is important to her.

If it were me I'd accept it - 30 years is a long time - but still be cautious.

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HotChocolateLover · 05/06/2019 14:17

I’d be wary too. Weirdly I was going to start a thread about this as someone I was friends with who ghosted me about a year ago got in touch about a week ago. I had sent the odd text with no response prior to that and then gave up. I’m now debating what to do. It’s so hurtful and confusing OP, especially when you don’t know if you have done anything wrong. The excuse she have is also pretty crap and what’s to stop her doing the same thing again 🤷‍♀️

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HotChocolateLover · 05/06/2019 14:18

I meant the excuse your friend gave to you was pretty crap, in case that wasn’t clear.

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CowslipFlower · 05/06/2019 14:49

HotChocolateLover and CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook

Thank you both for your posts. The very last time I saw my friend, both DH and I got the sense that she might have been having an affair. Perhaps she has been too distracted with this to maintain a friendship. I think that I would have been able to accept not seeing her in the last couple of years if she had told me that she had difficult issues to deal with and would be in touch when she could. I can't help blaming her for not caring enough to bother to even send a 2 minute text.

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dustarr73 · 05/06/2019 15:04

If she doesnt want the friendship back,why text you now.I wouldnt be able to trust her.

I was ghosted a few years ago,and it was awful.But if she was to get back in touch,i would just ignore her.She made her choice.

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EssexGurl · 05/06/2019 17:08

I was ghosted by my oldest friend. We were part of a group of 4 and she ghosted us all. Moved house and didn’t tell us her new address. What made it worse was her Mum was friends with my Mum, but my Mum could never get any sense from her Mum as to what happened.

She died a couple of years ago and I did go to her funeral. Invited by her parents. I felt that gave me closure but would have loved to know what happened. The 3 of us meet often - she would have been part of those meetings - and we always talk about her.

Very sad. Would loved her to have contacted me before she died with an explanation, any explanation.

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Rock4please · 05/06/2019 17:27

I think you need to think how much the friendship means or meant to you and, if you think it is worthwhile continuing, you just need to let some things go ie the anger and the hurt. If you can't do that, you cannot resume the friendship, as your - totally understandable- feelings will prevent you from having any sort of meaningful relationship.

I have been in exactly the same position quite recently. Someone I regarded as one of my best friends, known since university, godmother to my eldest etc, just ghosted me for 3 years with no explanation. I was so hurt, thought it must be down to me, agonised that it was something that I had done or not done etc, then discovered that she had treated other close friends in a similar way, and they were very hurt too.

However, it made me realise that it was not about me but about her. She is far too private a person to say, but I have concluded that it must be as a result of something that has happened in her life. I care for her enough to let it go and she is back in my life again and still a friend. BUT, I am wary and it will never be what it was. Part of me feels that, if we were really friends, she would have confided in me, as I used to confide in her. But that is not how or who she is, so I need to accept that or just let go.

Only you can decide, but whatever decision you make will be the right one.

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CowslipFlower · 05/06/2019 19:48

EssexGurl dustarr73 and Rock4please

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It seems there are quite a few of us who have been ghosted. I feel great sympathy for anyone who has experienced it. I don't share any mutual friends with my friend do I'd never know if she has broken contact with others.

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user1493423934 · 07/06/2019 02:17

Funny was just going to post - was ghosted a few months ago by my good friend of 20 years. Was weird - went to her house for a party and when I arrived she was acting strange and short so I just talked to other friends. Then I msged her the next day to say thank you for having me, she never replied ( we usually msg/talk at least once a week.) I remembered when I arrived she had been talking to a couple who were friends of my ex-H so I know he told them a whole load of BS. The couple then blocked me on FB. I have msgd friend a couple of times since asking what is going on but shes's just ignored me. I msged her and some other friends a couple of days ago as my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and she saw the message and hasn't bothered to reply. Thing is, her mum died of cancer a few years ago and I made sure I was there for her. I thought she might at least message me, but no.
It's so sad.

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user1493423934 · 07/06/2019 03:12

Gosh sorry Cowslip didn't mean to derail your thread.

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Beautiful3 · 07/06/2019 03:43

I was ghosted by my best friend. It was the day after we received our GCSE results. She failed all of hers and I got high grades. She was suddenly unavailable and dodged me if I saw her in public! I accepted it and after 18 years, she messaged me through finding my husband on fb! No explanation. Just, " hi I had a baby!!" I messaged back, "congratulations." But that ship has long sailed!!! I'm not interested at all now.

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MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 07/06/2019 03:50

I was ghosted by a school friend. We'd moved apart then ended up living a lot closer. She used to tell fantastic stories about where she lived before I knew her (which as an adult I now believe were implausible). She then did the same to people when she moved again.

I knew some of the stories were untrue. I think that's why she ended our friendship. She had lied about/exaggerated/reinvented her past and I could reveal her lies.

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Decormad38 · 07/06/2019 04:26

Think I’ve been ghosted by old friend too. She came to stay last year with her kids and she was hard work. Constantly saying my dh was amazing and we had to basically look after her kids whilst she sat and read magazines. It’s obvious she felt she was owed a break but anyway I must have given out a vibe because I was ghosted. My kids will be sad she’s done that as they always thought she was cool but sometimes relationships run their course.

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RiversDisguise · 07/06/2019 04:36

My life-long best friend ghosted me after I had my first baby. She can't have kids so I tried to be understanding but gave up contacting her after a few months

Met her 3 or 4 years ago in a mixed gathering, she was friendly but hostile. She told several stories where I was the villain. Our mutual friends seemed totally bemused.

Yesterday she friend requested me on FB. I just stared at it for ages before blocking her.

I don't know what the eff is going on with her tbh but I stopped caring many years ago

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dustarr73 · 07/06/2019 06:23

@CowslipFlower i bet if you look back on her behaviour there will be clues..Mine was very short with me,couldnt get a hold of her the week we where supposed to be going away.Told me some bs about her son,who is a grown man.We went away but its obvious now she didint want to go.

I had a baby,was meant to meet her in a cafe.She never showed.I rang her,but thats when the penny dropped,she didnt want to be friends.I never contacted her again.Its hard,but they are the ones in teh wrong,not you.

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