I have a loving husband that struggles to understand me. 3 amazing children who I love soo much. But for some reason I struggle with being happy. I would love to of had a career but being a full time mum is just amazing. I don't meet up with friends for coffee or get out the house much other then to go to my mums. When my kids were small I didn't worry about anything untill I had my missed misscarriage at 16 weeks before my daughter was born. Which I have never really gotten over. After my daughter was born I was so please she was healthy that everyday I would constantly hold her close, watch over her and would never leave her with anyone. But I was always busy with my middle boy who has autisum that the days went really fast and then the years. I look back now and feel all I have is the photos i took but they upset me even more as after my daughter was born my emotions were everywhere trying to juggle a new baby and meltdowns from my son. I should look back at the photos and enjoy them but all I can think of was the lack of them I took and how upset i am, I am not in them. I think deep down the photos are all I can think about as after I lost my little boy they asked if I wanted a photo with him and I turned it down. And now I feel guilty for not having one of him. So when I look back at my daughters and I'm only in around 20 in her first year with her it saddens me. No one understands everyone tells me how many photos they have with there children and them. I feel soo alone