How can dad's not be involved in there kids lives ?

[Maryw287]

I split up with my children's dad about a year and half ago it wasn't a easy break up so he hates me, but he won't even spend time with his kids or help me out with money not like he can anyway his never worked , his staying a few doors up at his mum's house which makes it worse. I just feel so sorry for my kids knowing there father doesn't want nothing to do with them it's horrible.

In your situation I don’t know. In my friends situation it’s because the mum makes it soo sooo sooo difficult and poisonous the dad is being pushed away.

Blimey, I knew that was coming, but the first reply?

OP, it’s because they are feckless cunts, no other reason.

See most mum's are like that but I grew up without my dad so would never stop him seeing them his just more concerned on his new girlfriend than his kids.

Its not always dads. Some mums are like this too

No idea, my exH is the same. We separated five years ago and he moved in with his GF and her two children about a month later. He can’t have our DC over night because he lives in a small two bedroom house and it just isn’t big enough to accommodate them all so he only sees them for 5/6 hours a week. He doesn’t do anything with them when they’re with him, tells me he doesn’t take them out for their birthdays because he knows I do and to make matters worse, barely pays any maintenance.

I’ve given up trying. My DC are getting older now and just can’t be bothered with him. I’m not pushing for them to maintain a relationship anymore, it’s up to them and as it stands, he is just losing out.

Most mums aren’t like that, OP. Most are like you. It’s awful that so many men see fatherhood as something they can opt out of at a later date

Who knows? My two dc see their 'dad' maybe 6, 7 times a year, although recently dd has decided to not see him.
He puts himself and his new family first, has never paid maintenance and moved away about 3 months after we parted, so being 300 miles away doesn't help!
I honestly will never get it. It's been like this for 10 years now, he knows nothing about them really, he's never been to any parents evenings, school plays etc He doesn't know any of their friends or anything about their day to day lives.
He's a fool. I don't hate them, I pity him.

Him, not 'them' although I'm not keen on his wife!!!

It honestly baffles me op. I know someone who's walked away from 3 children who he was extremely hands on with.
Took them to clubs, worked certain shifts to be home. Helped with homework. The type of man you'd say was a 'good one'

He hasn't seen them in about 4 years. Not a peep. New baby with new wife.
New people who meet him now would probably again comment on what an amazing father his is.

Not knowing that there are three other children who he just flat out walked out on.

I think there are some men who see kids as an extension of the mother, so if they're no longer in a relationship with the mum the kids are no longer emotionally proximate to them. Especially if they're small. It's like they've "broken up" not only with the mum but the kids too, even if they're biologically theirs.

It's mind boggling. And all of them, ALL of them blame the mother. The mother stops it, she's poisoned the kids, she left me with nothing blah blah blah blah and society swallows these, feeble excuses at best, lies more often as real.

Just look at the threads on here where god awful dreadful abusive fathers actually bother to go to court- they are awarded contact, often over nights, and women penalised and frowned upon if there has been any withholding of contact or not enough compromise etc. It highlights the fact that all those "great" dads could fight and go to court if she really is poisoning them or stopping them etc. The courts no longer favour mothers(if they ever did) The fact is these fathers don't do that because they don't want to- their crocodile tears don't fool me.

The thing that has peed me off about him the most is that he puts pictures of our children on social media saying how happy his life is and that he loves all his son's so everyone thinks his a really good dad.

"Its not always dads. Some mums are like this too"

I always love these comments. Because anecdotally we all know that it's 95% the dads.

This is something I will never understand. And when they DO see the children, it's ALWAYS on their terms. DS has two good friends with divorced parents and it's a nightmare - his birthday party was rearranged because the dad refused to bring one boy and then on the day, because he had the boy the night before he said he'd drop him off b ut he turned up 30 minutes late. The other boy was at a playdate at ours with an agreement I'd bring him home for 5 because he was going to his dad's.... but then I got a call from the mum asking him to be brought back earlier because Dad had announced he was coming earlier. This same dad often just doesn't bother to turn up, turns up late, brings the child back early etc.

It makes me beyond mad. And it's incomprehensible.

@Xiaoxiong omg I've endured 10 years of shite and it's never occurred to me that the issue is they're 'my' kids They look just like me and because they're dad has been mostly absent, they are very like me in their beliefs, humour, interests etc

Excuse the typos!

I have no clue, I split with DD's father when she was 7 months old, he saw her a handful of times over the next year and it got less and less, to the point she hasn't had any contact with him since she was 5 (she is now 20). I never stopped him having contact

Can I throw in a question about grandparents? I have distant family where a guy has at least 4 kids that I know of (3 different mums) and he doesn't see them at all. I feel sorry for the kids but their mums are bringing them up well and I consider it his loss.

However, his parents also have no contact with any of their grandchildren. I look at how much my kid's grandparents adore my kids and am absolutely baffled that these grandparents would be happy knowing they have 4 grandchildren that they never see. If my husband walked out now and never saw his kids, his parents would be furious with him and I can't imagine they would also cut us out of their lives.

From a child's perspective it's hard too. My dad left, remarried and adopted his step children. Me and I sibling get barely any contact.

OP it must be very hard for you. Especially as he is geographically so close.

DS's father willingly signed him over for adoption. There wasn't any discussion or anything, he signed the form and never saw DS again

Actually it worked for DS as DH was able to adopt him and he has the stable father figure he lacked in his early years. Still can't pretend not to be baffled by it though.

I think a lot of men don’t really attach emotionally to their children in the same way most mothers do. Plus, social, legal and financial norms are set up which just make it easier for men to detach from their children - men are the ones expected to leave the family home in divorce; residency is generally always awarded to mothers and so on. Also, I largely suspect many men weren’t particularly fussed about the children in the first place: anecdotally, I know a number of men who weren’t the main instigators in deciding to start a family or would have been quite happy not to have one - and I suspect if their marriages ended they consequently wouldn’t be all that diligent about maintaining contact with the children.

Behind every narcissistic man is his mother who doesn’t believe her son can do any wrong

I think all humans are able to cut off and compartmentalise life when it either suits them or it’s too painful to deal with. There are also cases where some men are so psychologically tortured in custody battles that they shit it off and walk away.

Shit=shut