Best friend bit happy about pregnancy

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

Hi all, I hope you are having a good week.
My partner and I are super happy to have recently conceived (about 12 weeks) and couldn't wait to share the news with our friends.
I have a group chat with two of my best friends and I shared a scan picture and neither of them replied. They didn't even say congratulations. I've been told by one of them to keep the baby news quiet and not make a big deal as the other one has just gone through a bad breakup but I'm genuinely offended that they didn't even congratulate me on the scan, which is a big milestone for us. I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy about it as she is upset about her ex-boyfriend. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

Just to clarity- I meant NOT happy, not BIT happy in the title! Damn typos!

[Nikhedonia]

When did you send the message and have they said anything else on the group chat since?

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

Send it yesterday at about 7pm. No one replied. This afternoon I sent a picture of some shoes to ask their opinions as I feel it's a safer subject if I can't talk about the baby.

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

No, no one has said anything since

[Moneybegreen]

It sounds like one of your friends is having a very hard time right now and might not be in the best place to engage, If her life has been turned upside down she might not have the headspace to handle someone else's wonderful news.

And it sounds like the other friend is possibly closer to the one having the bad break-up, and is being sensitive to her?

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

Yes, although the problem is that the other friend is about to get married, so I think she has been burnt previously from sharing too many details and the wedding with her, and has said that for now we should not mention her wedding or my baby to her. I get it from one point of view, I remember when we were TTC it's always hard when your friends get pregnant but I would never ignore or not congratulate them?

[Moneybegreen]

When you say bad breakup, what is the situation? I can only imagine that if it was me and I was losing the love of my life, possibly my home, and everything I had built on for years, I'm not sure I could cope with communicating with anyone at all, let alone hearing their great news while I was losing everything.

I was previously in a situation like this and just went completely off the radar for a while, because while my own life was falling apart I had zero energy to be happy for people gaining the things I thought I would never have.

Just projecting based on my own history here. It may seem like she's being selfish, but she might just be in a very dark place right now.

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

She is 29, was with her bf for 3 years, and they lived together (in her flat that she owned though, so he has since moved out). I've also been in that situation multiple times, have had two really awful breakups at 23 and 28 (I'm now 30) and both times I was left homeless and had to stay with friends so that's why I was struggling to understand the reaction as even when I was in a bad place I was still happy when something good happened to people I love. I suppose everyone reacts differently though, and I guess I was just a bit upset/surprised that my baby scan didn't get any reaction at all

[NameChange92]

Did the one who told you to keep it quiet not even congratulate you outside of the group? If so, that’s rubbish of her.

If I knew someone in a group would struggle with some news I might take the conversation to a private chat, but i’d definitely be making it clear I was happy for you.

As to the one who’s going through a hard time, how i’d feel about her would depend on whether she’s someone whose problems are always bigger than everyone else’s and is never happy for anyone, or she’s someone who is just genuinely going through a really tough time at the moment and struggling to cope.

Congratulations anyway!

[Abcd3]

I agree with Moneybegreen. I can totally understand you feeling hurt, but when someone’s devastated about a break-up, news of other people’s weddings/babies can be too hard to deal with. A friend of mine who was upset about being single went off Facebook for a while for that reason. I really would try not to take it personally. I’m sure that it’s not that she doesn’t want you to be happy; she would just find it too hard at the moment at the moment to engage with your baby news, when the ending of a relationship is making her wonder whether she’ll ever have kids. I think posting a photo of shoes is a great move - just acting normally, chatting about other things and not the baby, will give your friend a chance to deal with how she’s feeling. When she’s ready, hopefully she’ll say how happy she is for you. Congratulations on the baby, anyway!

[Abcd3]

By the way, two friends of mine had a horrendous falling-out when one of them found out she was pregnant on the same day that the other found out she couldn’t have children. (They eventually became friends again, but things were awful for a while.) In situations like that, both people can so easily get hurt; one is hurt that the other isn’t happy for them, the other is hurt that the other isn’t sad for them. For the sake of the friendship, I think it’s best not to bear a grudge.

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

@NameChange92 come to think of it she didn't congratulate me outside of the group- but I guess she is super busy with organising her wedding and is travelling with work.
@Abcd3 yes you're right I won't take it personally. I'm sure it's due to everything that's going on with her. Sounds awful what happened with your friends, glad to hear they are now friends again, these things can really pull people apart.
Thanks for the congrats!!!

[ShinyRuby]

It's pretty mean to not even respond in a group chat! Of course people are going through their own bad times but would a brief response really be impossible? I don't think so, like you say OP you wouldn't treat anyone like this so it is bit much.

[PrayingandHoping]

Sorry I think that's really rubbish of your friend!


I'm currently pregnant and my friend who's going through a nasty divorce (has 2 young children) was thrilled for me

It took me years to conceive (had to have ivf), I don't see 2 of my closest friends very often and once when I did I was going to
Tell them all about it. One of them beat me to it and told us she was pregnant! I bit back the tears (difficult when face to face!) and was thrilled for her and chatted babies all day! It killed me inside but she is one of my best friends and I was happy for her!!

[Newbie1981]

Doesn't matter if they are devastated about a break up. Awful friend if she can't suck it up and reply through gritted teeth. I had a miscarriage and congratulated 3 different people in the days afterwards on their pregnancy news as I do not think the world revolves around me!

[hmsvictory]

I take it you know they've both seen the messages?

If they have then that's bloody horrible. From both of them breakup or no breakup. Takes a second to send a congrats.

However, I think the other friend hasn't messaged you because she specifically said to keep the baby news away from break up friend for a while and then you go and send her a scan pic! She's likely thinking wtf?!

Still, not nice to read it and not reply at all.

Congratulations

[palahvah]

Congratulations!

Being upset /finding it hard to be happy for you is one thing, but being told on group chat is a GIFT in that situation because you can pretend to be gushingly delighted while actually doing big fat ugly snotty crying.
Pretty rubbish she couldn't pretend from the safety of her phone.

Don't let it bother you - I'm sure she'll come round eventually.

[ShinyRuby]

It's often the case as well that you're expected to keep quiet, not mention the pregnancy & baby just in case you upset your friend only to find a few years later that they are now pregnant & happy. You're then expected to be overjoyed for them & chat about pregnancy for hours. Erm, no. Ignoring a scan photo is so hurtful. You sound lovely OP & very understanding but don't make too many excuses for either of them.

[ilovecatsabittoomuch]

@hmsvictory they both knew early on that I might be pregnant but it's not really till the 12 week scan mark that it feels "official", so they were both aware of it and knew how much I wanted it all to work out and to get to this milestone which I'm so happy we have done (I previously had an early miscarriage at about 5 weeks so for me official 12 week scan is when you know it's for real!) and they actually said to let them know when I know. What I took from the other friends warning was not to talk excessively about the baby and buying things for it etc (which tbh I wouldn't anyway).

Yes it's all very strange and I am upset that they don't seem to be happy for me. I've been in so many situations where the shoe has been on the other foot... I had a really bad breakup at 28 where I was left homeless and around that time 2 of my friends got engaged. I of course congratulated them and said how happy I was for them (then secretly cried alone!).
I dunno maybe it's not a big deal for them, they are quite career focused and always say they don't want children before 35

[Frittata]

. Congratulations.

Your friends sound horrible. All they needed to do was type 'Congratulations!' - however upset they are. I would do your newly conceived baby a favour and find new friends and the baby will not need that kind of negativity in their life.