Please help. Freaking out that I’m a terrible parent.

[CliveTheCheeseplant]

Hi all.

Ds is 8 and I love him to pieces. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

However

I’m absolutely terrified of screwing him up. I come from a miserable background involving an AWOL dad, an abusive stepfather and a mum who let him get away with being violent/ bullying for years. I have not been able to forgive her for a million things that happened and don’t speak to her anymore.

I’m so scared that I’ll make mistakes as a parent and plunge him in to the mental health hell I’ve had to endure.

The incident that had made me so afraid of this happened this pm. He was doing roly polys while I was sorting out fresh bedlinen for him. Suddenly he said ‘mummy I’m going to kick you in the face’ and before I had time to take it in or respond he had done a roly poly in to me and smacked his feet into my head really hard. I was so stunned and it hurt and I said ‘fucking hell’ (I know I know) and said to him what the hell was that angrily. He immediately burst into tears and started screeching at me that he hadn’t meant to do it but I didn’t believe him because of what he said before doing it. He got himself into a sobbing mess trying to get me to believe him and started hitting himself in the head in frustration. At this point I pulled him over for a giant cuddle and rubbed his head better and told him to forget the whole thing and please not to hurt himself.

He is such a sensitive soul and has a stammer. Whenever he gets told off he goes nuts and has been known to threaten to hit me/ us before or actually do it. And then he calms down and is in floods of tears apologising and feeling ashamed and sorry. I’ve told him a million times that everybody makes mistakes, it’s all ok, and he is absolutely showered with love and attention, but I’m terrified that I’ve made a mess of things and have damaged him somehow mentally. Apart from when he mucks about when I try to get him ready for school etc all is generally laughter and fun in our house but these trying times really distress both me and him.

Please help. I feel like I love him more than I can possibly express and I don’t want to ruin his life, I’m terrified.

Bump

That sounds tough. As far as I can tell from your post, you haven’t done anything to ‘mess up’ your DS. Your awareness of your own difficult childhood have in fact made you more determined to not repeat the same mistakes, but understandably made it trickier for you to judge what ‘good’ parenting or a normal childhood (and normal childhood tantrums) looks like.

Your DS may be pushing the boundaries at times but this is normal. He does sound a bit intense with how he reacts to being told off - is it possible he has unfeasibly high expectations of himself?

Please don’t blame yourself though. Nobody’s children are perfectly emotionally stable.

Oh, and I would have sworn (and probably have done) if one of my DC had hurt me too.

I’m reading ‘the book your parents should have read (and the one your children want you to’ and it covers this in the first chapter. Basically our experiences of parenting will throw up memories and emotions from our own childhoods, and it gives some exercises on how to prevent your subsequent emotions impacting your own parenting. It sounds like a good book for you to read.

The fact that you are so worried about your parenting means you are a good parent. What happened doesn’t sound bad, it sounds like a normal reaction to a shock.

Op don't freak out you reacted how a lot of people would react one incident isn't going to scar him permanently. Plus in my house I wouldn't be apologising for that reaction maybe for swearing but no more.
He has been upset in your reaction but he did know what he was doing before he did it as he said to you. If he regularly hits you I would be seeking further advice on how to deal with this.
Have you spoken to anyone about your mental health and the abuse you suffered. Maybe some counselling could help you.
Is he seen speech and language for his stammer?

I’ve had patches of therapy/ counselling yes. I’m particularly haunted by the memory of having my head repeatedly pushed underwater recently though.

And it’s true that whenever he is upset I am taken straight back to my own distress as a child and it muddies everything so much.

Thank you for the book suggestion, I’ll read that.

Look up the good enough parent theory. It suggests that being a perfect parent while obviously impossible is also not good enough for your child because you can’t model being sorry or bouncing back from mistakes. It also sets an impossible standard for your child to attempt to recreate.

You haven't done anything wrong. He said he was going to kick you in the face which he did and it hurt. Therefore he got told off, which I'm sorry is what he deserved. Its no big deal. What were meant to say. "
Oh now then poppit don't do that", that hurts" (in a song voice) Its just not real life op.
oh and about the f word. People do swear when they're in pain.

I think how you reacted, whilst not ideal, was fully understandable. At 8 he's absolutely old enough to know that it's not ok to say '"I'm going to kick you in the face" and then do it. You showed him anger, you showed him managing your anger, you showed him an apology and you showed him love. I'm sure we've all lost our shit occasionally at children.

You sound lovely, but you also sound as though you need a little more confidence in yourself and how you parent. Counselling can help, but so can reading books on parenting; when DS1 was small I read quite a few and learned that my parenting absolutely was good enough, despite not being perfect.

You sound lovely OP of course you haven't messed him up. I'm always thinking I'm not doing a very good job then just try and remember the most important thing is to be there, listen and give lots of cuddles!
Do read the Philippa Perry book mentioned and get some more counselling for yourself. And a big hug and flowers for you for the abuse you suffered x

Also have you had any help with his stammer? There may well be ways to help him defuse his frustration in other ways than acting aggressively like you mentioned. And give you more confidence too.

Disciplining your child and teaching them right from wrong is not abuse

One thing that a very wise friend once said to me ( she was a play therapist) was that it wasn't the rupture but the repair that mattered.
It wasn't the falling out, losing of temper, swearing that was important but the making up and apologies on all sides that mattered.
You are going to get the falling outs it is the making up that needs to be focused on. The reflection from ds as well as you about what could be done differently next time.
Don't stress OP, you sound like you have this sorted.

Thank you everyone.

Re the speech therapy, he has had two lots on the NHS. It didn’t really work though because they wanted him to speak slower and unfortunately he would need a personality transplant to be able to do that, he’s naturally a very bouncy child who never stops talking. When we have a quiet day at home the stammer disappears, but unfortunately during term time it comes back massively because he finds having to go to school stressful, he’d be home schooled given the chance. Nothing is going on at school right now, it’s the separation aspect he doesn’t like. He’s a sensitive little thing.

I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. Looking at your post, your reaction to pain was totally understandable and the fact that you spent time apologising & explaining will communicate your love for him. I do think, in the chat after the storm, as well as apologising for your behaviour, you do need to very calmly explain to him that his behaviour was unacceptable and possibly give some sort of consequence. He does need to learn not to hit out. You deserve not to be hit - even as an adult. You obviously want to avoid the abusive behaviour you were subjected to as a child. But you are absolutely allowed to calmly express displeasure and make it clear that there will be some sort of sanction for that sort of behaviour (eg no x-box for a day or so).

Are you getting therapy and/or counselling? If not please do. You sound like a good parent but it will help you feel more confident that you are breaking the chain and stop you passing on any anxiety etc.

I’m not having therapy right now, I finished a spate of it last month and it was very helpful for everything but I think to some degree the memories will always bubble up and unless I’m constantly in counselling I have to keep working on it all myself. I have a folder of self help sheets to refer to.