Husband deployed today-feel so lost :(

[Wishingforoctober]

Hi, I don't really know why I am posting, but I feel a bit panicky and anxious and there is no one here to talk to.

My husband left tonight for a 4 month deployment abroad. It's only 4 months, but it feels like that is so far away. Our children are 2 and 3 so have no concept of time so think he will be back tomorrow
Today was so hard, how I didn't break down in front of them I don't know. The last time he went away the eldest was a teeny baby so she doesn't remember.

I work FT, drop children at their grandparents at 6.30 and collect them at 5. Feeling overwhelmed by having to manage everything on my own. I know I signed up for this but it's still a bit shit.

Is anyone else in the same boat? October seems so very far away right now

I'm dreading the first deployment and it's years off - dd is on the engineering scheme. I'm guessing the first few days are the worse. Thank goodness for parents, thinking of you and safe deployment

Oh lady, it's so good to hear you and your children went through it and came out the other end. I am not feeling terribly strong right now but I know that I am. I do a bloody difficult job and I'm made of tough stuff. I CAN do this and I WILL stay strong and keep a brave face for the kids (even if I do have a bit of a cry in the shower )

Thank you

I didn't know about the Forces Sweethearts, I'll have a look thank you!!

My partner was deployed last week for 6 months. He's been away before but this will be the longest time we've spent apart. It does get very hard at times, I just try to keep myself as busy as possible (I'm sure you're always busy with FT job and children)! What I also find that helps is having something to look forward to. I'm going to book a holiday for when he gets home just before Christmas! I also find it quite nice buying things for and packing his boxes that I send over (just another thing to keep me busy). Maybe have your children draw pictures to send/ take photographs to send. We'll get through this

Hey campervan, sorry you are in this crappy club too. Yes good shout on getting them to do pictures we can send. They love posting stuff so I could take them to pick up treats for him and take them to the post office to send, they will love that. I'll call into the post office near work tomorrow and pick up blueys so we can write to him and keep him up to date on what we are up to. The eldest starts school in September so she can tell him all about settling in days and picking uniform etc.

@Wishingforoctober That sounds like a great idea! Kids love that sort of thing and will be excited for him to receive his parcels x

Hello! My DH is also currently deployed for 4 months, but we are already, amazingly, half way through.

I have older DC which helps but also not much in the way of family close by and also not on a base so no nearby HIVE etc. I tend to spend some evenings doing nothing but taxi and laundry service!

I thought it was going to be really hard and was dreading him going but honestly the first few weeks have gone so quickly. This middle bit is harder for sure but at least I can start to count down to when he will he back. Plus we have good internet so can chat regularly which makes a big difference. The post has been hopeless, better now and it’s about a 2 week lead time to stuff getting from us to him. Feel free to PM me if it would help to chat more

Head down and get in your routine. It’s the best thing for you and your babies.

Keep busy. Can you go to stay with people at the weekend or have people to you? That breaks it up.

You’ll see - those 4 months are going to fly by!

I find FaceTiming every night not the most helpful and if you haven’t done that much it can be a little repetitive and boring.

As time goes on it does get easier. My DH DH did three six month tours in a hellzone. The first week is really hard then you can start counting down. Can you arrange some little treats for yourself and the kids, I needed something to look forward to at the weekends as that was the loneliest time. Invite friends round/arrange picnics and park meet ups etc. Good luck!

My hubby works away alot for long periods of time. I do a count down calender with a little gift every few days. We do silly pictures last thing at night (dress up/ theme/ silly faces) so hubby gets them first thing and starts his day with a smile. It's also fun planning the theme through the day. Lots of Skype and lots of talking to kids about what daddy is doing now and let them come up with their own ideas of what daddy is doing, we then send daddy a little message with some of those suggestions which can get quite off the wall. Frankly do anything that gets you through the day!
On the plus side, if your partner is anything like mine your house will stay a million times tidier when he's away!
You can do this!

I've not been an army wife for many years now but I remember how hard it could be.

Don't hesitate to contact the units welfare support services, that's what it's there for.

Are you friendly with the other wives? Can be good to support each other. One possibility (might seem old fashioned but I think very sensible) is setting up a babysitting circle with them?

How are you able to communicate with him while he's away? When I was still in that position it was very much still paper blueys I'm sure it's much better now. But with such young children paper blueys could provide him with wee drawings from the kids, even little handprints etc I would think it would still be nice for you both too to use them for physical letters (you might feel more comfortable being more personal in these than electronic methods).

Some units also organise events for when the serving personnel are away. That can help with keeping kids occupied.

Mark off a paper calendar - having a clear visual representation of the day's going by can help and once you hit the 2 month mark you know you're half way.

"we don't live on camp unfortunately" you don't have to to use the hive, contact welfare reps etc

Try and focus on the things you can do while he's away, might seem silly but can make things easier eg watching what you want on telly, eating what you like for dinner, spreading out and using the whole bed, going places he's not very keen on...

And the things you DON'T miss about him - again might seem silly but can help eg not dealing with those small but annoying habits we all have, perhaps not having to watch footy or wash cruddy rugby gear or smelly fatigues...

You got this! You sound a sensible sort.

But don't feel bad for having low moments or even being pissed off that he's away and eg not having to deal with a sick kiddy that's normal

Oh it's horrible but it will pass. We used to use a 'dadvent calendar' for our youngest. It could just be a calendar, but DH's best one was a row of jars on top of our cupboards with a treat/sweet in each (and the odd toothbrush!) to count down the days visibly. You could create one with them...

We also found blueys really helped - he would draw pictures for them and add photos etc.

He also recorded some of their favourite books so he could 'read their bedtime story' - he could do this and email a sound file.

To be honest, what used to piss me off was all the sympathy directed at him... no he just had to do his job... I was the shattered one! It does get better... maybe use a bit of leave if you can to shorten one of your days a week or fortnight to get done respite.

Good luck.

AlsoAForcesSpouse half way already is fantastic! I always find the second half goes much faster than the first so hopefully it will be the same for you lovely.

CanIGoToBedNow Thank you. Ordinarily I wouldn't face time him every day but research into attachment indicates that short, regular contact is better for the children so the plan is just a few mins to ask about their day and say goodnight. I'll probably just have a proper chat with him once or twice a week, although I do love sending him blueys too, I still feel the excitement I did as a kid when I get letters 🤣

Witsendagain sadly DH is far better at housework than me so I've lost my best tidier hahaha! Lovely suggestions for the children, thank you x

Graphista Thank you for your advice, I sadly don't know any of the other wives as we haven't lived on a camp for years and never at the one he is based at now but I could take them along to some of the planned outings for service kids in the summer hols which ai might do as they will enjoy it and I could meet some of the other wives. Your words about not feeling bad about feeling resentful are so helpful because I know when this one inevitably happens I'll feel guilty but will try not to.

The calendar idea is good too, I'll get one for me.
The children have paper chains, they cut one every Monday and when they are gone Daddy will be home

InMyLivingRoom We did talk about him doing some stories but ran out of time (like maniacs we moved house 3 weeks ago so its been a manic month!) but I will ask him to so some and email them over, great suggestion thank you!!

I am hoping those extra hours I've built up might equate to a day off every other week or so. Fingers crossed!!!

Just to say, if anyone messages and I don't reply I'm not being rude I work in a place phones aren't allowed so will reply once ai get home. First night done and no one woke up crying for Dad so off to a good start

How are you doing today wishing?

Day one almost done for you! One day down and one day closer to him coming home!!

We went into town after work today to get the last things from his kit list so he just needs to do his ironing and pack his case and he's all set! His family are all coming over tomorrow for last goodbyes so I think it will really really hit home tomorrow xx

Hope first day went relatively well.

Sometimes I got on with the other wives, sometimes not so much. But you don't know till you meet them, get to know them.

Calendar can really help and I loved getting blueys, emails etc aren't quite the same. Good he can Skype that will help the kids.

Definitely don't feel guilty if you have negative feelings towards him on occasion. You would if he were home, his being away doesn't mean you're not allowed to that's part of the natural ebb and flow of relationships

He's been away before how do you find it when he comes back? I used to find that really tough, like he was deliberately disrupting my smooth routine I'd managed to achieve and annoying me/getting under my feet!

Of course he wasn't it's just a period of adjustment.

Hi toy, thanks for checking in. Yes 1 down, 126 to go Haha! We are ok, children were a bit tearful after they facetime chatted with him but have gone to bed ok. He is doing ok too, though obviously misses his babies. I'm just trying not to panic and get overwhelmed by everything and allowing myself to not hoover etc when it was done yesterday so I am not spending ever night just cleaning up etc .

How are things now on basic training with regards to mobiles? Back in the day they didn't get to have free access to them until about 4 weeks in but could call on set days. HMS Rayleigh where I guess he is going is a mission to get to, I feel for him!
I think in lots of ways naval spouses have it worst off, as communication when at sea is awful - my DH is RAF but the posting they did to aircraft carriers it was notoriously bad. I hope things have improved a bit since then for you guys. How are you feeling? Xx

Graphista so true, many a time I've spent the first few weeks missing him, then get into a routine and then feel aggrieved when he was back and doubling my washing pile and eating everything 🤣 no doubt this time will be no better,, though hopefully the children's excitement to have him home will dilute my annoyance haha!

It will pass... one day down :)
I have four children (Aged between 4 and 9 the last time DH was deployed) and it was tough..but you get your own routine going very quickly. In fact I was quite put out when DH came home unexpectedly early from one detachment as he literally appeared in the back garden with a deep suntan and all his kit, and I was not ready for him to be back!
Poor guy...

Now DH is retired from the RAF and while it's great he has a regular job I miss the alone time now and again!

You can do this - keep telling yourself that.
Do the calendar tick off chart - it worked great for my DS. You can also add on there some special treat days to give them other things to look forward to.
If you're in a military area near a married patch, then the schools should really be able to assist with your eldest when she starts school. Ours had a map and all the children with deployed parents had to take a picture in. It meant the kids could always look and see where their deployed parent was. Also showed them that they weren't the only ones with a parent away.
I always try and do extra jobs whilst DH is away, all the birthday present and Christmas present shopping done. When they do get home, you then haven't got to worry about doing the tedious jobs and just have family time instead.
Just take one day at a time - it does pass.

Hi All, I’m in a similar situation my only adored child is serving with the armed forces. There have been times when he’s away that I have thought that my heart would burst with sorrow as I missed him so much. Sending you my very best wishes