Did anyone else attend a private/independent/public school and not end up super confident?

[DontFearTheReaper]

I read often about the confidence it supposedly instils in you. “Leaders of tomorrow” and all that. I just don’t have that confidence at all. I sometimes worry my GPs wasted their money

Is there anyone else like me?

I think it's largely a myth. If you attended a famous public school, it's probably true.
But there are hundreds of private schools of various sizes, in different regions with different social groups.
My DD goes to an excellent academic independent school. There are many opportunities for her there, but no-one is posh and I don't get the sense of any additional polish or confidence. My DD has social anxiety and she will leave the school with the same anxiety she had on going in.

I used to coach a sport, and was always surprised at how much more confident and articulate the public school children were.

Anecdotally and from a large sample size, I would say it’s true.

I am not super confident, and hate leading things. But I think I am probably far more confident than I would have been if I hadn't been to a small school (and where I lived, private was the only way to do this). I think it would have been very easy for me to blend into the background in a bigger school.

I have no idea if it was a sensible decision for my parents to send me to private school, I have no idea how my life would have differed without it. But I think their reasoning was to give me the best they could, and they made the best decisions they could with their knowledge at the time. It's not all about success and money - sometimes it's just about a positive educational experience for you at the time. I'm sure your family did the same - made the best decision they could

My DH attended a famous public school and was so badly bullied that it destroyed his self-confidence and mental health. So no, it doesn’t work for everyone.

I bet the fuckers who bullied him are confident, though.

I don't have time to reply in full now, but I went to a private secondary for five years and it was a pretty bad experience for me.

For all sorts of reasons I didn't fit in, the school was too small to find any like minded friends and it was very old fashioned in its approach to education. Basically I had a 1950s education in the 1980s. I left with a few fairly poor GCSEs and a huge dislike of formal education. I didn't go on to take A levels let alone a degree. I would have done so much better in a decent comp.

I have 2 dc and so does dh, they all have partners so my sample size is only 8, however... 5 of them went to private school and all 5 of them are very confident, with 2 of them bordering on arrogance and big headed (endlessly talk about themselves in terms of their awesomeness).

I went to an all girls private secondary school. I was bullied throughout. It was a really bitchy atmosphere. I ended up with 2 poor A-levels. I had any confidence I had knocked out of me and nearly 30 years later I am still struggling. I feel totally worthless, a waste of space and like i shouldn't exist, most of the time.

I’m a mass of insecurities and have had psychotherapy for abuse related lack of self worth.... but.... I can turn on the ‘performance’ and walk into a room like I belong no matter what the situation. Totally fake and not at all a reflection of what’s going on inside though.

I don’t think it magically just gives you confidence. So there’ll always be those it doesn’t help.

But... the attitude and opportunities are better for building confidence, so I think it helps those where it could go either way to become more confident.

One example, netball tournament, my child’s state primary vs nearby friend’s private primary.

State: have a netball club that runs after school, and has run 2 half terms of 6 this year. Not everyone can make that day. Run once by a TA who played at a high level. Then run by teacher who just had an interest - and didn’t know the rules until she took over. They have one (just one!) broken basketball hoop, and part of the court is missing because there’s a storage shed on it. They wear school PE kit and have no bibs. Nobody outside of club knows who is on the team.

Private: they have netball as regular PE, every week, all year. The coach is a former England player. They have 4 beautiful courts with proper nets. It’s a source of pride to be selected for the team - there are professional team photos up. They have a lovely sports uniform and their own co-ordinated bibs.

So - local tournament, they brought 2 teams, looked fab, and came first and second. We brought one and had a great time, but did badly.

Which kids went home feeling confident?

I know it’s all anecdotal. But in my own children confidence very obviously builds when they do well at things. Private school often gives you more chances to be good at something - either more options, or just a better chance at the same options.

None of that example increases the confidence of the kid with social anxiety who can’t do sport. But for the averagely confident and sporty kid in the class... I think it does.

I have always been a shy person (particularly as a child/teenager) and most definitely have never been "super confident", despite going to a public school. However, you never know what your experience might have been at a different school and so it is difficult to tell. I think in certain respects I am probably "less unconfident" than I might otherwise have been (if you see what I mean!).

Me, I went to a girls private school and I still have very low confidence and shyness. I fell behind in the state system so transferred to private at 12. The quiet, small classes at private school suited me. I definitely wouldn’t have become the scientist I did without it. The experience didn’t help my confidence but it gave me a career.

Me! I don't know if I would have been more or less confident if I had gone to the state comprehensive I would otherwise have gone to. I went to local state primary schools, then went to a selective, single-sex independent for secondary (not a big name that people are likely to have heard of). When I started I was already quite unconfident, quite shy, didn't know anyone else in the school and was starting my second new school where I didn't know anyone in 2 years as I had done year 6 at a new school too. The school was very academic and most people were very talented at sports/ arts/ music. I was fairly average in most subjects at that school (which I have gradually come to realise means I would have been very good at them and likely in top sets in a different school) and absolutely terrible at sports, music and art, so I didn't feel successful. I might have felt more confident in a school where I was considered to be very very good at academic subjects, or I might have not done so well without the small class sizes that I had. I was already unhappy/ possibly clinically depressed in year 7, and I did eventually get good pastoral support from some staff in the school, but again I don't know if that would have been better or worse in a different school. My mum repeatedly told me I was stupid and rubbish and I believed her, and I convinced myself of this partly because I was not nearly as good/ clever as my friends at school. This has had a life-long impact (I am now in my 30s). So, the school didn't give me confidence, but I don't know whether it had a positive or negative impact compared to what could have happened in a different school.

I went to a small private.

I am much more confident now than I was back then. I don't think I gained confidence from the school was at. However I might have lost more confidence if I'd found school difficult friendswise.

I think though, it's a little like people complaining the children of governors/pta get asked to do everything.
The children on adults who are engaged in education and educated themselves are more likely to be confident because they have the background enabling them to be. The adults are more likely to do things like PTA/Governors and more likely to choose to spend their money on education.

It was hard at the local comp because everyone just took the piss, constantly. Out of each other, all the time.

I'm guessing they don't do this in private schools.

I went to an average girl's independent school, got average A levels and an average degree, had an average career and took early retirement. I would say I am also averagely confident. Some alumni (including Sophie Wessex and the editor of the Today programme Sarah Sands) did rather better. What I did end up with is a small solid group of friends who, despite the intervening years and diverse lives, I would trust with my life and have the most fun with. So not all bad

I always felt a failure at my private school despite getting pretty much straight As. I think this was partly down to school and mostly down my parents who thought getting 99% or not coming top were poor results. I've fought years of low self esteem.

I went to an indie all girls school. I did well, confident, happy etc got a good career and lifestyle. Confidence definitely came from school but also out of school. I did sea cadets and that sent my confidence sky high. But I would never have joined if I didn't get the confidence from school to go and their support. I also managed to play a sport at national level, do 3-4 other extra curriculars at school then go to cadets twice a week and weekends all whilst getting a full suite of GCSE (A/A) and stem A levels (As/A) but in comparison my DSis did similar - much less extra curriculars but cannot cope in the real world. Suffers from severe anxiety and depression that manifested after uni. She was bullied badly at the school too - one girl driving it relentlessly.

Most girls I know from the school have had the direction to find and do something their passionate about, with the confidence and room to explore. Some of them it's because mummy and daddy can bank roll them but a lot is because they have drive, determination and confidence. (And funnily enough the latter are the scholarship kids and ones that were well supported through learning difficulties not the bratty ones buying their way through life)

Attended private senior school. Did averagely in my exams. Ended up a teenage mum and a single parent for most of my adult life.

What generally makes most private school (huge generalisation I know) more confident is having a successful family with a degree of wealth and it it can help them attain easily rather than the private education itself per se.

I was a painfully shy 11 year old who went on to flourish. But I have no comparison! I don't know that I wouldn't have done anyway. I suspect being in a place where erring on the side of geeky was acceptable probably helped. Dunno. I was the poor kid and that wasn't particularly awful either. Might just be that I developed this hide naturally!!

Shy teenager at a private school, kept under the radar and only just passing exams. But indie school gave me the opportunity to take part in a sport which I excelled at (took part in international competitions, represented GB). Which in turn, gave me a quiet steely confidence. And it also gave me something positive to talk about at interviews etc and set me apart from others.